Our Fertility Adventure

Let the new year begin

2012-01-02T16:26:00.001-05:00

As an educator I have two weeks off for the holidays. The first week was full of celebration family and friends. This second week is suppose to be a week of crafting, starting to exercise again, walking the dog.... Really just doing whatever the hell I want.

This morning I woke up with a cold, a crappy cold. Tried scrap booking but couldn't focus... Now I am lying on the couch with Tylenol cold in me, Kleenex shoved up my nose and am watching corner gas. For you Americans it is a hilarious Canadian show about a small town in Saskatchewan.

In unrelated sick news, we have just found out my sister in law is pregnant again. Her and her husband already have on beautiful daughter. I am so happy for them they are wonderful parents and another baby in the family is a blessing.

As you all can guess this was not easy news the hear, no matter how happy I am it is tough. Tough to know it is someone else's turn, not mine.

All in good time

Xxoo

2011

2011-12-31T17:37:00.001-05:00

Well 2011 has been an interesting year. I have experienced a great amount of joy and sorrow.

Fertility treatments continued with our first round of ivf. Sadly this resulted In a negative. We have since decided to take a break and are coming to terms with the fact that life without children will be ok, we will be ok. That being said we are hoping to try a second round of ivf in 2012 once we a figured out our finances.

We got our puppy paddy this year and I cannot imagine life without him he has brought us joy beyond what I have dreamed of and has opened up our social circle immensely with all of the other dog parents. Thanks paddy :)

2011 has brought a lot of guilt with it. I am trying desperately to let go of this guilt. It is from recent and long time past. Hubby thinks it is silly for me to carry it around with me and I agree. So if I feel I can't move forward on my own a therapist is in order. I will not carry this on for the next year.

As for 2012 I hope it brings peace and happiness, the blessing of being a parent. I hope throughout this year I follow my heart and instincts and continue to grow into a better person.

Happy new year everyone, many blessings for you all.

xxoo

realization

2011-12-19T12:25:00.000-05:00

I have just made a realization....so many of the women I started out blogging with now have babies and not just newborns. But kids, real kids some who are going to be walking and talking.

Where am I, I remain here in the land between. No kids, no reasonable explanation.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for all of these families who are now brimming with baby goodness there is a tiny little piece that says. Why not us, why.

xxoo

7 days

2011-12-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

As Christmas and New Years approach I am left to reflect on the past year.

To be honest I was positive I would be pregnant by now. Last year at this time I kept thinking next year will be better, next year we will be having a baby. Sadly this dream has not become a reality. I am left to enjoy my Christmas without a baby but with a strong foundation of family and friends.

This Christmas I am going to enjoy my time with family and friends, cherish them and the moments we have together. I am going to be grateful to sleep in whenever I want, on our ability to go grocery shopping at ten at night and that we can pick up and go whenever and wherever we want.

My Christmas wish for all of you is that you cherish your loved ones and each other. Be grateful for what you have in your life today and continue to dream big for the future.

xxoo

Why?

2011-12-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

There is a great guy I know (GG) , I teach with him. Him and his wife have experienced two miscarriages. They have been going through their third pregnancy, hoping and praying. I have been the only person GG has told about the pregnancy. Today they found out that the heart has stopped beating. She will require a D&C. They are shattered. I am at such a loss. I am so angry and sad about this. GG and his wife are wonderful, caring people. People who should be able to have children to raise and love. To watch them experiencee this heartbreak is horrible.

So here is the question I pose. What do I do? what can I do to help him get through this. I work with this man everyday. I just want to be able to lift his pain from him. What would you do to let him know that you care about him and his loss? What would you say?

it has been a while...

2011-11-14T20:35:00.000-05:00

Hello all...yes it has been a while. Life has been moving along as usual. Week days run together and I am trying to get the most out of my weekends. Currently I am not happy in my job. It is not the kids or the teacher I work with it is administration. For those of you who work in education know that you can't really mess with administration so as of now I am stuck, trying to make the best of things.

Hubby and I have finally gotten away on our trip to Montreal. At this moment I am sitting on the train, which I LOVE!!!, writing this. We had a whirl wind weekend of museums, galleries, shopping and fabulous food. It was so wonderful to have time for just us. No worries, no concerns, just us. My parents looked after our puppy and the bunny stayed at the house, checked in by hubby's brother. This allowed us to not worry about our fur babies which was great! My mom and I chatted on Skype and it totally confused the dog, poor thing, he could hear his Mommy but couldn't see her.

On the fertility front we are still looking at a second round of IVF in the spring. It is tough as a few people I know are pregnant. I don't really know how to politely say..I don't fucking want to hear about your pregnancy, it should have been me. See, no easy way. So smiling and nodding is what I do at the moment.

I am doing fairly well though. I am going to take an in class writing course in the spring I think I will enjoy that more than an online class. I am also taking my pottery workshop soon. Should be good. I am mending my soul and really that is all I can ask of myself at the time.

all for now...

xxoo

weight gain - boo

2011-10-25T19:46:00.000-04:00

Well it is official I have gained nine pounds. NINE!!!!!!! A combination of IVF medications and emotional eating have lead me here.

So, what to do. Well weight watchers has always worked for me. So I have joined up again and I am planning on getting my butt in gear. I feel good about this because right now my body feels like crap. I hate feeling like crap and believe I am worth feeling better about myself.

Wish me luck :)

xxoo

moving along

2011-10-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

Fall has finally arrived here in Ontario and I am happy. It is my favourite season. I love the changing colours, the crisp breeze, I feel rejuvinated during fall like anything is possible.

With this feeling of rejuvination I plan to spend the next six months doing what I want and making no apologies for it. You see I have six months until we try our second IVF, six months until I become pregnant so I plan to live it up!!!!!

I have found some great deals on wag jag and deal find so I am now starting Zumba with my mom and then I am going to be going to pilates as well. I am going to take a pottery workshop and I am going to enjoy some culture with shows, symphonies and trips downtown.

Today my friends I am happy, I am blessed and I am grateful.

(p.s spell check is not working, my apologies)

xxoo

The fog has lifted

2011-10-12T11:49:00.000-04:00

I am feeling much more myself. I feel as if that horrible dark fog that was our negative result has lifted and I am once again finding joy, peace and purpose in my life.

It is so strange while I was going through IVF I did not realize how much of my life was being eaten up by the process. Small things like getting my hair done, remembering to floss, enjoying an evening with hubby and puppy were lost. Now they are found and I am so happy.

I feel like I can refocus on my job and my life outside of infertility and enjoy. One of the first things on my list is to get back to exercising. I cannot do a lot right now as I have torn cartilage in my right knee and am on a surgery list but I can walk and can lift weights and am going to zumba my butt off.

Hubby and I are planning a trip to Montreal in the next few weeks. It is a chance to get away...just be us. So if any of you have suggestions of things to see or a must do in Montreal let me know.

all for now,

xoxo

forward

2011-10-06T21:30:00.000-04:00

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through these past few days. They have been pretty bad and to be honest I am still not great yet, but I am mending.

I have so many things going through my mind it is crazy, it can be wrapped up into a few words though. Fear, Guilt, Grief.

Hubby has been fabulous helping me work through the emotions. Lets just say a lot of tears have been shed on his shoulder.

We have made a decision that we are going to wait for awhile until we reevaluate our next move. Dr.E agrees that IVF with a short protocol will be best. So when the time comes we at least know what plan we can follow.

So for now I am looking forward to my thanksgiving weekend and planning our trip to Montreal!!!

xxoo

after shock

2011-10-02T20:51:00.000-04:00

Ok...so I am experiencing some after shocks of this negative result.

What if I can never get pregnant. Will I be happy. Will I be able to come to terms with not having a child?? I don't know how my relationship will be affected...will it be fine, grown stronger or become well..a shadow of a marriage.

I don't know if I will be ok being a women who has to answer..no I never had children every time I am asked.

I do know I cannot adopt...it is just not something that is for me.

Is this it?? Me, hubby and our animals????

:(

Beta

2011-10-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

Test showed a negative result. No pregnancy. Heartbreaking, yes. Surprising, no.

I had a feeling that this was not to be the time the closer I got to the date. In fact I think I would have been more surprised if I had gotten a positive result.

So what now??

We we are going to take a break from treatment. In the mean time there are somethings to keep me busy.

- get back to the gym while I CAN
- My knee needs to be fixed. I have torn cartilage. So I will be getting sugary done on my knee.
- We are going to take a trip, a few days for us to get away and just rejuvenate and have time for us. We are thinking Montreal
- save money for next IVF

So...there we go. Time to move forward.

xoxo

IVF-13 dpt

2011-09-30T14:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I am a bad educator. I am sitting here in class and all I can think about is my test tomorrow. I really do enjoy my students but right now their issues and dilemmas seem trivial and I could care less about them.

I am so nervous, so worried. You see I have NEVER had a positive test result blood work or at home test...EVER. In five years of trying NEVER!!!! So I have this underlying fear that my body cannot get pregnant.

Please oh please let this happen for me. Let this be it for us. Please.

Day 27 - IVF - 11 dpt

2011-09-28T19:29:00.000-04:00

Well I am still here.

I am in much less pain which is great...it actually settled down over the weekend. I have 3 more days till my beta test to tell me if we are pregnant or not. Oddly I am not one to test at home, I don't really know why. I just seem to be able to wait until the blood work.

I am feeling ok, tired today and I had a brutal headache, for sure weather related it. It does not know if it is summer or spring here in Southern Ontario. I have officially switched over to progesterone suppositories, yes the one that go up your bum. Gross I know but they don't cause me a major irritation to my lady parts. I have had a teeny tiny bit of spotting...I don't even know if I would call it that but a little bit of old blood mixed with old progesterone. Again, I know sort of gross.

I am so scared of what the outcome of this will be....I so badly want to be pregnant and experience all of the wonderful and horrible things that come with pregnancy and motherhood. But I am terrified that this cycle will not be it. I know I need to stay positive and think good thoughts and such but the fact of the matter is that I am a realist. I know the chances for us this cycle are not great. So I continue to mentally prepare myself for the worst. Knowing we can handle it....but really hoping we wont have to and that we will get to experience joy.

There are a few ladies in the blogger world who have been doing IVF right along with me and they have had positive results. I am so hoping I get to join them in their happiness and celebration.

Day 23 - IVF - 7dpt

2011-09-24T11:05:00.000-04:00

I was going to write a post about the ups and downs of the two week wait during IVF but something more pressing needs to be written about..Pain.

I have been having horrible stabbing pain on my right side for the past three days. It can be so bad that it makes me crumple to the ground. This morning I woke up to general cramp pain. Needless to say this pain has brought a lot of fear with it.

The fear is based on two things:

One - That this IVF cycle has not worked and I will be left with a BFN after all of the time, money and energy spent.

Two - I have horrible cramps, I mean horrible. Like double over throwing up from the pain type of cramps. Typically when I feel cramps coming on I take Annaprox a med from my family Doctor so that I am not stuck with horrific pain. I cannot take these meds right now due to the fact that I could still possibly be pregnant. Meaning I could end up in a great deal of pain and not be able to do much for it. So the fear of pain is quite real for me.

I am suppose to be going to a family reunion for my hubby's family today. It is a two hour drive there and then obviously a two hour ride home. With the cramps coming and going and the stress it has put me under the thought of being two hours away from home is horrible. Thus, I will not being going. I feel bad knowing this is something that is important to him and his family but I just can't do it right now. Hopefully next time his family has a big get together we will be able to go with all of this in the past and with a baby in our arms.

xxoo

Day 18 - IVF - 2dpt

2011-09-19T11:12:00.001-04:00

Good Morning,

I have decided to take Monday off of work. I just feel better about having one more day lazing around the house. I am bored but at least I know Eggbert is not being jostled around to much and maybe has a better chance of sticking.

These past few days have been pretty uneventful. A lot of sitting around watching Seinfeld and playing on the computer.

Hubby and I are trying really hard to eat healthy. I decided I might as well start eating as though I have a little being growing in me because it is more than possible!! I have also been eating pineapple, whether or not it is an old wives tale anything that may help with implantation I will do.

I am feeling pretty good physically, the bloating is gone and my energy is good. The only issue I have is the progesterone. I really do think it might be giving me an yeast infection, yuck. Put a call into my clinic today so we will see what they come up with.

I never posted the two pictures from transfer day so I will do that now...Hope everyone is having an enjoyable Monday.

xxoo

-I really had to pee-

-all ready for the transfer-

Day 16-IVF- transfer day

2011-09-17T23:16:00.001-04:00

Well the transfer is done. Eggbert is a healthy 10 cell, grade two embryo. The transfer was fairly easy and painless, although I was pretty sure at one point I was going to lose control of my full bladder and pee all over the table.

For those who don't know how an ivf transfer works it is very basic. You arrive with a full bladder so there is a clear shot of the uterus. Then after the cervix is open and cleaned a carher is put in. The lab tech brings the embryos in a needle like contraption. This is inserted into the catheter and once it is in the right position the embryo is released in the uterus. That easy :)

So after the transfer was done and I got to pee. We headed home. I have been lying around all day on a self prescribed bed rest. Tomorrow I will take it easy again. My clinic does not recommend bed rest unless really necessary. So what are your thoughts on bed rest??? Ivfer's out there did u do bed rest???

Day 15 - IVF

2011-09-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

Fert report showed eggbert doing well, he is growing. In fact there is a bit of a concern that he is growing to fast, he was at 8 cells this morning which is a bit big. Of course this has me worried...what does that mean?? Is there a higher risk of him not sticking?? If he does stick is there a higher risk something chormonsonally will be wrong? I don't know.

With Eggbert continuing to grow transfer is tomorrow morning at 10:00am and then a few days of bed rest. I am so nervous for so many reasons right now I am having trouble focusing at work and just want tomorrow to come so we can move forward. I feel bad for my students...to be honest I just don't care that much today. I am so wrapped up in my own head that focusing on them is next to impossible.

From a physical aspect I am doing ok, I am bloated but not as bloated so that is good. I have been taking my progesterone but am getting a bit worried....in the past vaginal progesterone has caused yeast infections for me and I think I feel one coming on. I have put a call into the IVF nurse to see what options I have. Hopefully I hear from her fairly soon.

Thats it for now, more as it comes.

xxoo

Day 14-IVF

2011-09-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

Not feeling so hot today.

Fert report was not great. Two eggs were immature and not able to fertilize. Two other eggs had not fertilized yet and they were unsure as to whether or not these were also not mature enough...However one did fertilize. So hooray!!!! I am so worried about this little egg. I am praying it multiplys and stays healthy.

I am worried about my report tomorrow morning, what if it is bad news? I am not sure how I will handle it. I will have to work all day. However I remain optimistic that eggbert is strong and will pull through and will be back with me nestling in very soon.

I do have a question for anyone who has done IVF. How did you feel the day after retrieval? I feel like crap, super bloated and sore and no energy...just wondering if it is normal.

xxoo

Day 13 -IVF

2011-09-14T19:44:00.000-04:00

Today was retrieval day!!!! It was quite an experience. My Hubby and my Mom were with me. Hubby got to be with me every step of the way.

When we arrived I got changed and was given two ativan to keep my anxiety down, Next came the IV with a salin solution, which was not easy to put in but Nurse T, did a great job.

Next thing I knew my mom had to leave to wait outside, John had finished his sample and was getting his scrubs on and we were off to the OR.

Once in the OR things started to get fuzzy. More meds were given through the IV but I really had no clue as to what was happening, I was in a happy place. Hubby sat right beside me holding me hand telling me what was happening. He was fabulous. He got to see all the follies on the U/S screen and said it was really cool...I am a little jealous about that.

When we were done, procedure only took about 8 minutes and everyone said I did fabulous, I was whisked back to the recovery room where I slept and was given sips of water by John cause I was damn thirsty!!!!

As far a follies go, there were nine and from those nine came five eggs. Hubby said Dr. E was happy with this. So now we will wait for the call tomorrow morning to find out how our eggies are doing. I am so nervous for them. I hope they all fertilize, I want them to do well and grow nice and big a strong so please send out good vibes.

Of course as usual there was a lot of laughter and giggling during the whole morning and of course there are pictures. So here are a few from the Retrieval process.

Day 11 - IVF

2011-09-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

What a difference a few days make. Over the past couple of days my body has been working hard. In fact it has been working so hard that I now have 8 follies and we are going ahead with IVF!!!! I just finished my trigger shot which means my retrieval will be Wednesday morning.

I cannot believe that we are finally here. After all of the back and forth my body has pulled through. Thank you so much to everyone who sent out positive vibes and prayers it is truly appreciated.

So tonight I feel good, exhausted and a little overwhelmed but good.

Below are a few pictures of the past few days.

xxoo

-Ok, a terrible picture of me, but this is me with fingers crossed for lots of follies going into the ultrasound-

-This is Hubby holding up our Clinic's form for retrieval, he is excited-

-This is me with our last bag of meds, it was really sunny-

Day 9-IVF

2011-09-10T11:08:00.000-04:00

My frustration is reaching its peak.

The menopur is doing it job, I know have 10 follies in total. That is up from just two in a few days. However as wonderful as that seems there is a catch. A few of my follies are way ahead of all the others. What does this mean? you may ask well it means I am in limbo.

If more than five follies can all be roughly the same good size as of tomorrow then we will go ahead with IVF if that does not happen we convert to an IUI. Since I have done four unsuccessful IUI's before that it does not give me a lot of hope for this cycle.

The good news I can gather from this is that the menopur works and so if we need to do another cycle then we are ahead of the game....

However that does not change my frustration at this point. I have taken a hell of a lot of medicine and spent a hell of a lot of money to do an IUI!! I feel bad for hubby because he really is just on the sidelines for all of this and I cannot imagine how hard that would be. I don't want to cry about this, I don't want to give in to that emotion..but my damn estrogen levels are making is pretty difficult. I just want to make it through to tomorrow and get a final verdict on what will be happening. Then I can digest it and move forward.

xxoo

Day 6 - IVF

2011-09-07T11:56:00.000-04:00

Today is a rough day,

I went to my clinic this morning and discovered my body is not moving along the way we would like it to be. I currently have three follicles on the right ovary and none on the left. Dr. E needs to see more growth. I have had my pruegon bumped up to 300 and will be doing menepur as well, at a dosage of 150. Of course Suprefact continues each morning. I will do these meds tonight and tomorrow and go in for ultrasound on Friday to see how much growth has happened.
Dr. E will go ahead with IVF if there is 6 or more follies. If not we will convert to IUI. He told me that a long protocol with Suprefact can sometimes lead to suppression of follies but that can only be discovered through the process....If we do another round of IVF then we will do a short protocol hoping for better results.

So, how do I feel about this. Shitty, crumby, angry, sad, and disappointed along with a variety of other feelings....When you are using your body as a pin cushion you expect it to respond. When it doesn't well...you end up feeling how I feel (see above).

I am really hoping that over the next two days my body kicks into gear and gets some follies going. If any of you IVFers out there have tips pass them along!!!!!

xxoo

day 4-IVF

2011-09-05T10:19:00.000-04:00

Three days ago I started Pruegon, I am now doing two shots a day. My Suprefact in the morning and Pruegon in the evening. I feel like a giant pin cushion but all in all it is not that bad. The Pruegon is not terrible, it hurts like a bitch when I first give it to myself but beside that the side effects so far are pretty minimal...I am a bit bitchy but hubby can handle that :)

Today I went for ultrasound and blood work and the nurse is pleased with how things are coming along, I already have two eggs so that is good. She actually gave the day off tomorrow so I don't have to go back until Wednesday which is great because tomorrow is the first day of school!!!!!

I love the first day of school, even though I am now a staff it is such a fun feeling going back. Wearing a new back to school outfit, seeing people you have not seen for months. It is fun. I love to see how the teenagers have changed, what is new in their lives. They bring me a lot of joy and I swear keep my young.

The one thing I do need to comment on with all of these meds is that my hair is still changing colour. Seriously my eye brows are still going blond and now my hair is changing!! What the what!!!!!

So here is a picture of my eye brow, hard to see I know but it use to be brown! I swear!

33

2011-08-30T15:27:00.000-04:00

Today I have cramps, exhaustion and a pep in my step because my period has finally arrived!

This means Friday I will go in for my day zero ultrasound and blood work appt. and start what I call stage two of IVF. This means I continue suprefact and will also start taking pruegon. Two shots a day, what a lucky lady.

With everything being pushed ahead I have now realized that I will be doing my shots at school. I do them between 8:00am and 9:00am....school starts at 8:00am. We have a single private bathroom for teachers in the school so I can just use that. I am not worried about this....the teacher I work with is really easy going and won't ask to many questions, plus his wife is a doctor who specializes in infertility. The students will be oblivious, really at 8:00am in the morning what teenager isn't.

In other life news things are good. One week until I am back to work and I plan on enjoying my days off. Spend some quality time with friends, sister, brother- in -law, mom, dad and hubby :)

xxoo.

Here is a recent pic of my little Paddy. Love him so much.

31

2011-08-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

Today I am sad. Just sad. It sucks.

I still don't have my period and it feels like my body is playing a really bad joke on me. Also my eyebrows which have always been dark brown are turning a blond, ginger colour. Weird, is it the meds...I don`t know....

I have just heard Beyonce is expecting.....I am happy for her but today was not the day I wanted to hear that a beautiful, rich, talented celebrity was expecting. Nonetheless I wish her the best.

tomorrow will be better day,

xxoo.

Day 30

2011-08-26T10:31:00.000-04:00

Frustration is setting in. Today was suppose to be my day zero. First day of ultrasound and blood work regimen and beginning of Pruegon.

For all of this to happen I need my period to have started.... However my body that usually runs like clock work is not. I still have yet to get my period although I have cramps, sore chest, exhaustion and mood swings. Lucky me.

I understand my body functions are not something I can control but I like order and schedules so now that my schedule is screwed up I am pissed. The one good thing that comes with this delay is that I will not be doing my retrieval on the first day of school. I will be able to be there to welcome back all of the teenagers and hear about their summers :)

I continue to do well with my suprefact shots, I am actually a rock star at it.

In other life news I have just had my 34 birthday. I spent my birthday weekend up north at my parents cottage with my family. I had a great weekend surrounded by love. There really is nothing better.

Here are a few of my favourite photos from my birthday weekend. Staring brother-in-law, sister, hubby, Paddy the dog and myself.

xxoo.

Day 24

2011-08-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

Things are moving along tickity-boo, no real complaints regarding the medication. I am pretty good at jabbing myself with a needle. Side effects of the meds seem to be getting tired really randomly and sometimes feeling nauseous, and crazy sensitive skin bruising really easily.

I am a bit worried about my upcoming period as I usually get really bad cramps and take Anaprox for them...I don't know if I can take that with this cycle...so I am going to head out to my fertility clinic later on to ask. I am lucky as it is only 15 minutes away.

I have to say there is nothing better than some sister time. A few days ago my sister and I went shopping and had a hilarious good time. Really nothing better than trying on crazy clothes and having a good laugh. Love my sister to bits and am so grateful that we can spend time together. Love you Rin.

xxoo

-Shopping pics-

Day 21

2011-08-16T09:50:00.000-04:00

So it Begins.....

Today is the first day of medication. Superfact is the name of the game!!! The first needle went well, husband was there to lend moral support even though needles are one of his least favourite things.

We have completed all of our mandatory meetings with IVF nurse and Social Worker who told us that she thought we were very settled and well prepared to start this journey.

I am ready for this! I am positive and looking forward to the outcome of this process!!!

In other news I have been diagnoised with Restless leg syndrome. OMG brutal. Am not sleeping well at night....so, if anyone out there has any ideas or stratagies to help send them my way!!!!

Here are some photos-enjoy-xxoo

-Feeling good after our meeting with the Social Worker- A Starbucks reward for getting closer to the start!-

-John ready to go-he is holding the needle, meds and sharps box-yes we are now proud owners of a sharp box!-

-Ok, I look a bit crazy and tired, to be fair I had only been up about 3 minutes-

-Drawing out the superfact with the needle- Do you love my Mini-mouse nightie!!-

-SUCCESS!!! we did it, one down and many more to go!-

Day 11

2011-08-06T14:44:00.000-04:00

Well yesterday sucked. I mean really sucked.

Kathy's funeral was overflowing with people, in fact it was standing room only. Of course I expected this, she was a remarkable person and deserved to have such a large amount of people come to honour her. Due to the amount of people in the room the emotion over powering. It was impossible to not feel the pain and loss each and everyone of us were experiencing. It was heartbreaking to watch and listen as students said good bye to someone they cared so deeply for. Her daughters spoke with grace and maturity and when they walked by me as pallbearers for their mothers casket it did me in. This loss has left me numb, I know it will ease but for now a real smile is hard to come by.

I had to leave the funeral immediately for my Salin-Sono and pap. Joy (sarcasm), I have had this test done before but because I am proceeding with IVF I had to do it again to ensure everything was clear. So I lay their in my funeral blouse and had my body poked and prodded. Everything is fine. I can go forward with IVF. I am happy about this, I really am. I just can't smile yet.

-Hating the Sono-

Day 8

2011-08-03T21:40:00.000-04:00

Day 8 already, time is moving quickly...Day 21 and the start of meds will be coming soon!!!

Day 3 went well. Ultrasound looked good and blood work got done. Hubby survived the horror of the blood work he even was able to stay seated and didn't have to lie down. Here are a few photos of our day at the clinic. Hubby showing off his boo boo and me with my Gatorade so I was ready for my full bladder ultrasound and ready to give 15 vials of blood. YUCK.

Friday is my salin-sonogram and it falls on a terrible day. A close friend of mine passed away on Monday, it was very sudden and unexpected and her funeral is also on Friday. The staff at my clinic have been wonderful and have been desperately trying to get me another appt. but have not been successful. So I will have to basically rush out of the funeral to the salin-sono appt. Not ideal...

My friend Kathy was an incredible woman, she was the social worker at my school and was an amazing mentor to me and a support to so many students. The visitation and funeral will be incredibly hard for me personally and to so many students who will be attending. I will be going with a few former students who were close to her, hoping to lend them some support.

good night my dear Kathy

xxoo

Day 2

2011-07-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

Today was a rainy day here...sort of one of those low key don't feel like doing much days.

So guess what I did...no much. Wandered the mall didn't buy anything and went to physio.

For those who don't know within the last six months I have developed a torn meniscus in my right knee, broken my ring finger on my right hand and most recently just got a cast off of my left foot after having broken it. So I am currently in physio for my foot. A necessary part of my life, without it I don't think I would be walking very far.

Tomorrow I am doing my day three ultrasound and blood work and then we head up north. I have not had an ultrasound in over six month so I have to do the usual transvag. and then the full bladder ultrasound. I hate the full bladder especially if you have to wait!!! yikes!

Hubby is also doing blood work tomorrow and bless him he hates having his blood taken, seriously hates it. So I know how rough tomorrow morning is going to be for him.

The pay off for the crummy morning is that we will have four days up north with my family and our puppy dog. YAY!!!!

Enjoy your weekend friends,

xxoo

Day 1

2011-07-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

Well today is day 1. So IVF begins....

I have all of my beginning dates booked..

Meeting with Doc, initial ultrasounds and such and then starting Superfact on day 21 of the cycle. I am excited and nervous. Excited because this could finally be our chance at having a baby...this is something we have been looking towards for a long time and now it is here.

I am nervous for MANY reasons. I am nervous of the whole procedure and I am terrified of the retrieval, really terrified. I won't go into all of the reasons I am terrified but as we move along in this process you will hear all about every little fear...all for now.

xxoo

Back to the world of Blogging

2011-07-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

That's right I am back.

The last ten months have been wonderful. No appts., no stress about ovulation or that horrible waiting that comes after every ovulation.

I have spent time with my family, enjoyed time with my husband and have spent more time with my friends. I have been happy. I have been living life and loving it!!!

I have learnt that I don't need children to full fill my life. I now know that if I don't have a child I will be ok, I will not fall apart. I will be happy. This is huge, this is what I needed to know. With this knowledge I can now look to the future and that future is back to the uphill battle of infertility and the world of IVF. Yup the big guns are coming out.

About a week or so ago I looked at my day planner (yes I still use a day planner, how very 1990's of me) and I realized I was not far away from day one of a new cycle (old habits die hard, I still count my cycle days). The first thought that came to mind was 'now is a good time to start IVF' so there it was after months and months of not being sure I was ready!

With this new confidence I called my IVF nurse and booked an appt. and am now ready to begin the IVF treatment cycle on my upcoming day one, which to be honest is just a few days away.

I have organized myself with a nice binder filled with all the important forms and information and such and know that this will give me at least a little bit of control when my body is being overloaded with hormones and I am otherwise feeling out of control.

Tonight hubby and I were looking through and signing consent forms, all fairly easy choices. One question I do have is regarding assisted hatching for those of you in the IVF world you will know what I mean...I am not well versed in it enough to describe it here but Dr. Google has some good information. Anyways I am not sure it is something we should consent to...so if you have information or an opinion share with me.

Right now hubby is asleep and I am writing this, I tried to sleep but just ended up sitting in bed thinking about what to write here...so here I am. Back and ready to go through this process. I am hoping for the love and support I remember from all of you bloggers out there and look forward to sharing this journey with all of you.

xxoo

Gross

2011-02-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

I figured out why I was so exhausted. FOOD POISONING!!! the worst I have ever had. I was not able to sleep at all last night and was really hot...This morning I woke up to go to work and realized my body was rebelling. I went to go the bathroom got so dizzy I fainted smacked my head on my counter and some how injured my shoulder. I some how made it to the toilet...I don't really remeber very well. I have not subsequently spent the next two hours feeling like I was dying. I am not feeling a bit better but still horrible if that can actually make sense.

I feel gross and awful and I am NOT HAPPY

exhausted

2011-02-16T18:10:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted. I do not know what is wrong with me...whether it is weather, work or if I am in just need of a day off but OH MY GOD!! I am tired!!!!

This weekend is a busy one..I am getting my puppy which I am so excited about! It is my father in laws 65th birthday and we are going out for dinner and then back to our house to open gifts.

The most difficult thing this weekend will be a baby shower. One of my former students is almost 8 months pregnant, she is 17 and an amazing girl. I adored working with her and can wait to hug her to pieces when I see her. BUT it is a baby shower, I have not been to one of these in a long time. I think I am up for it, I think I can handle it but the idea of being around a teenage girl who is not really prepared to have a baby while I have been struggling for years is not at the top of my to do list.

At least when I come home from the shower I can hug and squeeze my new furbaby. That is something....

Calling all dog lovers

2011-02-14T18:08:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone...anyone who is a dog lover or has dogs please follow my new puppy blog. It will be full of stories about Paddy and lots of other stories and tidbits of info!

http://crazydoggydays.blogspot.com/

fur babies

2011-02-12T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well the time has arrived we are welcoming a new fur baby to our family! It has been almost four months since we lost our little baby cat Pudding. It has been a long road, we have grieved and have tried to heal and are moving forward.
Next Friday we welcome Paddy to our family. Paddy is a black mini Goldendoodle, he will be 8 weeks old when we welcome him into our home. We are so excited, this is our first puppy! We have been getting our house ready for Puppy. We have a bed, crate, toys and treats. But as we know you can never be ready for a new puppy so we are ready for an adventure. Any of you dog owners out there send me your suggestions, ideas and tips for a new puppy. Below are some pictures of when we went to visit our Paddy.

anxiety

2011-01-31T20:17:00.000-05:00

Oh Anxiety...
For whatever reason things are not great, well not really horrible but I am having a rough go of things with my anxiety.
I went to a really interesting seminar this afternoon regarding mood disorders, ADHD and alike. Since I personally have been dealt a hand of anxiety, ADD and a learning disability it was professionally and personally interesting. So with the information fresh in my head and knowing how I have been struggling I went out and got myself a workbook. A cognitive behavioural work book for anxiety. One of my old therapists use to use pages from the same book so I know I am on the right track.
Since I am basically three months away from the start of my first IVF procedure I am going to work hard to get myself emotionally on track just as much as I am working to get myself physically one track.
I know there is no magic formula and I know these mental health issues are things I will always be working on but I feel better knowing I am taking some control.

the month of May

2011-01-25T16:39:00.000-05:00

Hello all

Well the month of May it is...I have been doing a lot of thinking and planning and I have decided that the month of May will be the month we start our first IVF treatment. We have looked at money and feel that we should be in a decent position at that time. My parents are willing to help us out so that does take the pressure off. Really the most important thing is that I feel ready for this. I have moved past the fear and am ready to embrace the adventure. I am seeing my IVF specialist on Wednesday and will set up appt. for pap test, blood work and any other tests that need to be done. I am happy and ready to move forward!

feeling fine

2011-01-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

I have been taking action. Do things when I want to do them and making no apologies for it. Going to the gym is the biggest thing for me...going and really beginning to enjoy my time there. I actually asked hubby to not come with me when I went since he goes in the morning too...that way it gives me all the time I need for me. When I am done at the gym I reward myself with a Timmies Tea or a steamed milk, I feel so good about myself. Tonight I had Swiss Chalet, yes with fries and because I have been so active surprise, surprise I am not beating myself up.

So with the days approaching I will continue to feel good and do good for me and everyone else.

To much?

2011-01-11T19:36:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here in my bathtub with my iPhone, strange I don't know do other people do this????
My therapist and I have been talking about being true to me letting go of what I think other peoples desires or expectations if me and be true to myself. Harder said than done....my role with family, friends and work has always been the caregiver the listner the person to take the burden from others. It was pointed out to me that this can a bit of an arrogance thinking I need to take the pain from someone else because they are not equipped to handle it, this us true. Until it was said to me I would not have believed it but now I see it is true. so with this new information one of the things I am focusing on. Is my athentic self who am I when I am not looking after others, what are my needs and wNts. Let me tell u not an easy thing to do after 33 years.... So here I sit in the bathtub thinking about this while testing and surfing Facebook.....perhaps it is time to put technology aside for a bit and really ficus on me..

to much

2011-01-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have so much I need to say and want to say and am not able to get it down...I am not sure what to say. I have been working hard with my Osteopath and Naturopath and I am pleased with my personal commitment to them and their procedures. However I have so much junk building its self up in me regarding pregnancy and infertility. I want to say so much but am not ready to write I guess. But I am here. I am present in my life and I am working towards my goal.

its a new year

2011-01-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

2011 has arrived and with it is talk of resolutions and goals and dreams for each of us.

This year I have decided to not do resolutions and stick with attainable goals.

I plan on continuing down the path of good health and complete the goals I set out for me. This is important since I often start something and then do not follow through to the end.

Over the next year there are many things I want to do.

Things around the home - paint rooms, buy blinds, get a fence, buy a couch to name a few

Things for the family - get a dog, get pregnant, be happy

Things for me - get outside, exercise, go to osteopathy and naturopath apt., eat well, look after myself and be true to who I am and what I want.

A lot of these things cost money and so one of my greatest goals is to be smart with money.
To not go beyond my means so that our saving will continue to grow.

We were doing pretty well having most of our debt paid down and a percent of money in savings. Unfortunately when we lost our pudding we lost our money as well because we did everything we could to save him and make his quality of life as good as possible. This has been the toughest blow for me, I lost my cat, my darling fur baby and lost my house and IVF money. I am starting to move forward from this loss. But it sucks.

So yes being smart with my money is a number one goal.

I hope everyone had a good new years I spent mine at home with hubby not feeling well. But it was such a nice night with just us and pepper the rabbit I did not care that I was sick.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

caved

2010-12-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

Ok I caved...I had cheese sitting in the fridge from last nights dinner it was a really good kind. Brie with goat cheese in the centre from Quebec. It was sitting in the fridge calling me. Hubby is upstairs sick with the flu, I am not feeling great and my period is approaching and so yes I caved. I finished the cheese, yes I finished and I don't even feel gross or horrible. So it is gone and I am officially free of cheese. Won't bring any more into my house :)

Off to relax and look after hubby.

Cheese

2010-12-28T22:20:00.001-05:00

Oh Cheese how I love you. You are delicious and comforting and yet you are my enemy. I have been eating cheese for the past 24 hours with pretty much every meal. As a celiac (severe gluten intolerance) cheese is almost as bad as gluten, my tummy is bloated and unhappy but damn it tasted good!

So with 2011 approaching I say goodbye to my friend delicious tasty cheese and welcome in a happier less bloated tummy.

Ferocious

2010-12-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

2011 is approaching fast. It is days away and I am looking forward to it. I loved 2010 it was a whirlwind of emotions and learning. I have learnt that my body is more stubborn than I thought, I have also learnt that I am much stronger and have more perseverance than I thought. So with this in mind I am approaching 2011 with ferociousness. It will be the year of ferocity. I will get what I want and I will not make apologies for my desires or needs. I will go forth and be healthy and happy and of course I will be a mother by the end of 2011!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T14:14:00.000-05:00

Well my friends Christmas is here and I plan to enjoy it fully. I wanted to take the time to wish you all a Merry Christmas and to thank you for all of your support over this past year. I wish you all the best for this holiday season and may love and hope shine down on you all.

many hugs.
lisa

tip toe

2010-12-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

I am tip toeing through life right now, trying to figure out where I want to be and what I want to be. So really this post is more for me than anyone to help me focus but feel free to read .

I have recently started seeing an osteopath and a naturopath/psychotherapist. They are wonderful, really wonderful. Both women specialize in working with women who deal with infertility. They both seem very hopeful and positive about the fact that my diagnosis is unexplained infertility, this gives them hope. In turn it gives me hope. Hope that with physical and psychotherapy intervention that maybe just maybe I will get pregnant sooner rather than later. The goal is to get my body back on track, to help me get as healthy as possible and to begin actively trying to get pregnant through natural means with these supports. If the time comes for us to move forward with IVF in late spring then they will help me through that to achieve pregnancy!

My homework from my naturotherapist (as I will call her) is to write on two different subjects.
1. my fears, expectations, ideas and thoughts on pregnancy and what that means to me as a woman and a wife.
2. sexuality and how it affects my well being and life. Part of this is because the second chakra is based on sexuality, creativity and if it is blocked a side effect is infertility.

I am hoping that by seeing my osteopath I will begin to have more energy and then in turn start exercising more. My vitality is low/slow so it is no wonder I always feel like I am dragging. As she said I am much to young to feel like I am dragging my butt around all the time. That is a sign that something is out of whack.

My class continues to be wonderful, they help me to love myself. They help me to feel special and I am forever grateful for that.

The holidays are here and I am excited. I love the holidays and am looking forward to five days of family fun. I love my family and the time I spend with them rejuvenates me.

Well that is it for now. I am sure there is much more where this has come from....

much love and hugs.

Saturday Night

2010-12-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

It is a Saturday night and I am home with my Hubby. Pepper my classroom rabbit lives with us now. I take him to school with me most days in his little pet escort. The teenagers adore him he snuggles with them and gives them lots to smile about. I love this little rabbit, since the loss of my Pudding cat he has help to fill a void and I am forever grateful for this little soul in my life.

It is only one week until the holidays and I am looking forward to the two weeks off. Time with family and home with my hubby. He is so important to me and I cannot explain how much our time together means to me. I am grateful for him and his love that he has chosen to give to me.

I love you John.

So funny I had to share.

2010-12-08T20:48:00.000-05:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

(courtesy of google images)

i will be fine

2010-12-06T18:49:00.000-05:00

If the day comes and I am not able to hold a baby in my arms I will be fine. I will cry and rant and beg and pray but I will be fine. I will hold my husband I will apologize to everyone close to me but I will be fine.
I will move forward with my life, I will travel and have lots of animals. Savour my time with my hubby and family and friends. I will realize this is the plan for me. The way it is meant to be. I will forever be changed.
I know I will also wonder what if, I will be sad someday and angry other days. But I will carry on, I will be fine.

My Fears

2010-12-05T16:30:00.000-05:00

I have many fears..some are fertility related some are just life related. I figure to expunge myself of them I will write them down..So get ready..a list of my fears in no particular order

I will not get pregnant
I will not get pregnant and never be able to comes to terms with it
I will not get pregnant and I will be one of those women is always sad and resents other women's happiness
I will never have enough in savings
I won't fulfill my dreams
those last 15 pounds will haunt me forever
I will dye alone
I will live a life of unimportance. I will go unnoticed.
I will not climb the mountains I want to climb...literally
I will hold my husband back from things he wants to do
I won't provide my family with the grandchild they so want
that I will live my life in fear

So there you go...I realize some of these things are silly fears but most of them are valid and very real to me.

With this list down I will continue to face the world with a brave face and smile.

the fog is clearing

2010-11-27T21:00:00.000-05:00

I have been so depressed. So horribly depressed. Losing my cat Pudding was not just a loss of my little boy who I loved with all my heart but a reminder of how empty life can be. When we lost him all of the infertility pain came back...the hurt and the pain of it all. But now slowly I am coming back. I am seeing the light.

I did see my new counselor and it was horrible. She was understanding and all that jazz that therapists are suppose to be but her experience in the world of infertility sucks. In fact she actually said my most hated phrase....'if you relax it may happen for you' WHAT SERIOUSLY! yes, she said that. It took all my will power to not say fuck you and walk out. But I didn't. I held my cool and nodded and tried to politely explain that it does not work that way. I will not be going back and am saddened by the experience as most of my experience with therapists have been positive. However it did help to realize how much infertility is a part of my depression and that I need to find someone who has experience and knowledge in this field.

So with the light shinning on me again I can feel my face lifting. I am making my way out of the fog and am looking forward to a fabulous holiday season.

winning the war

2010-11-17T18:43:00.000-05:00

The battle lines are set and I am winning. I am taking control and not getting pulled into that little monsters game. Recent strategies have been.....a day light that I bought at Costco, it is small and sits on my desk and I LOVE IT!! This is such an amazing little invention. For anyone who suffers from Seasonal depression get one, they make all the difference. The second thing I did was cut my hair. short. and dyed it dark. It was such a release to cut it..honestly I could have shaved it all off at the time it was so freeing. here is a pic. don't 'mind the bathrobe.

So I am moving and fighting. I am going away for the weekend with my friends shopping and I have my first counselling apt. so. look on monster I am on a roll.

little gray monster

2010-11-14T12:41:00.000-05:00

There is a little gray monster that lives in me. He usually stays behind closed doors and does not come out and play but when life gets to difficult he cannot be contained.
He is responsible for pulling the sides of my mouth down so they feel like they are in a permanent frown, he is the one who tells me I am ugly when I look in the mirror. This little monster is the one who makes me feel like an empty shell.
In the past I have ingorned this little man and let myself fall deeper and deeper into his games and had a very difficult time getting back. But now I am older and wiser and recognize when he is coming around and refuse to fall back into old habits of permanent sadness. So I up my medication and I go and talk to someone. I try and be grateful for what I have and hope and pray that the little gray monster will go back into his hidey hole and not come out and play again.

intentions

2010-11-11T19:53:00.002-05:00

Intention my intentions I do not follow through with my intentions i hate it. Makes me feel like crap. I need to follow through. I need to not wallow. I hate myself tonight and that sucks.

my heart is breaking

2010-11-04T14:52:00.000-04:00

Our little boy Pudding passed away last night. We lost him to heart failure. Hubby and I were with him at the end patting him and telling him how much we love him. My heart is breaking, shattering. We have had him for 10 years and he is our life. We have been trying to have a baby for years and Pudding has literally become our baby...it just hurts so much. To wander my house and not see him....to have to figure out what to do with his things...I have put his food bowl away, that is a start but it is going to be a long painful process. Keep us in your prayers.

On Halloween, his favourite holiday - four days before we lost him.

new blog

2010-10-29T20:02:00.000-04:00

Hey there folks! I am writing a new blog that I would love for you all to check out and follow. It is about the books that I am reading and my love for them. So if you love to read check it out and follow :)
Of course this is a new blog so there is not much there but there is more to come. www.lovelyliterature.blogspot.com

mixed emotions

2010-10-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

Today is a day of mixed emotions for me. To start I am still in the self loathing place about weight loss. I feel generally great about myself in every other aspect of my life but my darn weight is a forever issue. I am still up the two pounds still not moving forward. It is frustrating and makes me want to scream. This morning I spent a few minutes just looking at myself in the mirror trying not to say mean things. Bummer.

To get myself in gear I am trying to figure out what activity makes me happy. What do I actually LIKE to do so that I can stay active. I have discovered with absolute certainty that I like to walk. Walking on the treadmill is meh. But walking outside I love, hiking in nature I love more. So there it is I am not a runner (although I don't mind it) I am not a gym rat. I do enjoy biking but I AM a walker. So walk I will.

This afternoon we celebrated a students birthday..she is turning 16 and really wanted a cake. So I bought her a cake and we had it as a class, everyone was happy and we were smart to do it at the end of the day so the sugar high would hit them once they left. When I asked her if she was having cake at home as well she said no. Her family could not afford a cake for her. She said it so factually with no emotion. It is just a part of her life.

I am happy I am part of her life to provide her with a little something extra on days like today. Happy Birthday Keara.

do you ever wonder

2010-10-19T16:26:00.000-04:00

Remember when you were little people would ask you. What do you want to be when you grow up. I never knew the answer to that, it would change almost every time someone asked me.
Why do we stop asking that. Why do stop asking adults what they want to be? Is it because when we have found a career it is assumed or expected that it will be our path for life. Do we feel that a belief in trying something different is juvenile, irresponsible and for dreamers. I don't know that answer to this but I do know that I keep dreaming.
I have so many things I want to do still. Things I would love to be. I want to learn to be a yoga teacher and a trail guide (hiking guide) I want to get my wilderness first aid. I would love to be a writer. A real writer which to me is a paid job. I want to travel and climb a mountain. I believe I can do all these things and more. But here is the thing the really big thing that people may smirk at...I want to do and learn to do all these things while being a mother. Difficult. yes. Impossible NEVER!
Dream well my friends.

thankful

2010-10-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

This weekend is thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I have much to be thankful for. I feel very blessed for my family, husband and friends. The ability to own a home and a car. To buy groceries when I need them and to enjoy things like going to the movie theatre. I am grateful for these things. I am thankful for my ability to move forward in my life. The fact that I am able to separate myself from my infertility and that I know that by this time next year I will be carrying a child. Of this I am sure.
thank you universe.

no longer crushing

2010-10-05T20:08:00.000-04:00

Sitting here in bed feeling like crap. Today I started my period and have cramps from hell that have haunted me for years. This is the first time in a long time that having my period has not crushed me..no expectations no disappointment just a natural part of a ladies life. It feels nice to not have all those emotions attached.
I don't really have much to say, I have been reading you all and am keeping up to date with all of your fertility news I just don't have any to report myself.
In my life right now it is about work, which I love and family, and I am ok with that. I look forward to the future but am satisfied with life as it stands now.
This is a good thing.

saying goodbye

2010-09-26T20:02:00.000-04:00

Last night our little hamster baby passed away. For those who know me or read me often know that Bella was ill for a long time and that we were giving her medicine twice a day and have been doing so for four months. We buried our little Bella in our front garden and will miss her so much. Love you so much little Bella. Rest in Peace.

Pent up frustration

2010-09-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

Hello all. Yes I am frustrated, very frustrated at myself and the world. Lets start with the world.

Ok...when I mean the world I actually mean my book club. I love my book club I do, I love reading and talking about books however what I hate is this. Women talking A LOT about their kids, their kids who are in their 20's!
I know both of these women are divorced and need time to talk and vent and brag but is our book club the appropriate place. NO. Not to me. So basically these women were talking about their children and the inevitable question came up of do I have kids, do I want kids. When I respond that I do want children the response I get is...'no, no you don't' 'They are to much work' ' Don't you like your sleep' and other such horrible statements to say to a infertile woman. I reacted poorly, I must admit that I responded curtly that yes I do want children and that they have no right to say I don't. I realize these women were teasing, I realize they have no idea about my infertility but it hurt and it was rude and it pissed me off. I was so angry I was thinking about dropping out of the book club but later came to my senses. However I will never ever forget how small and inferior and angry those comments made me.

Now on to my personal frustration. Frustration with myself. I know I need to continue to lose weight, I know I need to get to the gym and that these things make me feel good YET I cannot seem to get my ass in gear. I feel like I am stuck, not moving forward and slowly drifting backward. I have a tendency to do well in the beginning of my weight lose and then just lose interest and I will be dammed if I am going to let that happen I just don't know what to do. I know it has to come from within I just wish I could find that part of me again. That passion and energy, to be honest I feel deflated.

So to encourage myself to move towards change I am cutting my hair. I am taking quite a bit off and getting bangs, I am going from long to short and I think it is a good thing. I will post pictures later.

I am also going to the gym today, that is my commitment. Wish me luck.

moving along

2010-09-17T19:22:00.000-04:00

Well I have made it through another week. I am exhausted, this bronchitis is kicking my ass and it is making it hard to get through the days. I am happy to be back at work even with this cough. My kids are hilarious and I am so proud of some of the teens who are off to a great start when they had such a rough year last year. Oh course two are suspended already but that is how it goes, LOL.

I am re-evaluating my lifestyle choices. Meaning I am looking at how I am looking after myself, what I am doing for myself to keep me and my future baby healthy and happy.
I am going to start yoga classes again. I have no idea why I stopped, when I am going I feel better, more centered. I know this and yet I let myself get off track and stop going. I have also started seeing a holistic nutritionist. She is wonderful and has fabulous energy and is full of life and knowledge. This week I am doing a 7 week food journal and fill out some paperwork. She really is focused on the whole person and I love this. I am going to get back to the gym once I can actually walk without hacking up a lung. I don't know when that will be but hopefully soon.

I feel like I am taking back some control. My life was so wrapped up in the fertility treatments that I did not realize how much of myself I had lost. I was still seeing friends and spending time with hubby and family and not feeling depressed or sad all the time...but I lost a piece of who I was. I lost my love of nutrition and health and am so looking forward to getting it back :)

My body at war

2010-09-09T19:54:00.000-04:00

Yes..it is true..there is a war going on in my body...who will win is yet to be determined. Will it be my horrific cramps that heat, prescription meds cannot heal or will it be the horrific bronchitis I have. I think the bronchitis will win, it will stick around longer and make my body ache a bit more. BUT in the end I will win!! I have just gotten a puffer and cough medicine from the good Doctor and am ready to be healed. A day or three of bed rest in combination with said medicine should do the trick!

Now onto fertility news:
Had our first official meeting with the IVF nurse today...very nice, really liked her. Lovely Lisa I will call her...well Lovely Lisa filled us in on the paperwork, procedure and cost of it all. She told me we were great candidates for IVF and that ICSI will not be needed. She seemed very positive and upbeat about how things will work out. She was wonderfully supportive when we talked about waiting a bit to save money and told us that a session with the therapist is part of the IVF fee which I think is wonderful and will take advantage of. I told her my concern about weight and the possibility of it interfering with the IVF, she told me I was fine and not to worry. Lovely Lisa let me know there was no harm in moderate exercise and healthy eating and continuing to lose a healthy amount of weight up until the IVF procedures. So that is what I will continue to do.
I am feeling good about everything...I am starting to think this is really possible. I could be one of those women who actually gets pregnant. The woman who gets to hold her beautiful baby belly and feel her child move within her. I will proudly tell people that my baby is here because of IVF and that I am grateful for the process that has allowed me to be a mother.

So even though the war continues to wage. I am happy and looking to the future.

Before I go much love and fingers crossed to Amber at Life in the last frontier

sick day

2010-09-05T22:00:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I am taking a sick day...ok, ok. I know it is a holiday and I don't start work until Tuesday but I am taking a sick day from life. I have been battling this cold which is going from bad to worse and I have come to terms with the fact that the only way to get rid of it is to actually take a day off from life and stay in bed. Something I HATE to do. I made hubby promise to keep me settled tomorrow.
It is so bad that tonight I had to leave my sister's and BIL early tonight. They had me and hubby over for dinner for a belated birthday dinner for me and it was so nice. I love spending time with them. They are so kind and so fun I was very angry that I had to leave. By the way Rin I am using my new BLOG present right now!!!!

So now I am home in bed in my PJ's with my computer. I want all my blogger friends out there to know that I love reading your blogs. I am not the biggest commenter but I really truly love to read each and everyone one of you. When you feel joy so do I and when you feel pain I do as well. I want to thank you for being a part of my life.

Now...to rest and to try not and be to bored.

reality v.s JINX

2010-09-04T19:25:00.000-04:00

I am at the point of IVF, I know it is not a guarantee. IVF is very expensive and we do not have huge salaries so the amount of money is a pretty big deal. IF IVF does not have a positive result will we try again?? I don't know??? Will we choose to be childless? Will I be ok with that??

So here is the current question..... by being realistic by acknowledging that we may not get a BFP am I jinxing us? am I some how accidentally putting it out to the universe that I am ok if we don't get pregnant? But if I am not realistic if I don't think about the what if and what the next steps will be I will be crushed emotionally and unprepared.

I plan on working my ass off to get my body and mind ready for the process of IVF. I recently read a stat that women who have a BMI over 27 are 33% less likely to be successful with IVF. I currently have a BMI of 28.5 so I would love to get it a few points lower than the 27 mark.

sick with a cold and it sucks..talk later

Life is passing on by

2010-09-01T20:06:00.000-04:00

School is starting in 5 days, I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and seeing all the teenagers again. For those who don't know...or know me personally here is a quick run down of my job. I work in a self-contained alternative High school program. I work with at risk youth who have not been attending school for various reasons. These kids deal with a variety of issues but mainly poverty, alcohol/drug abuse, learning disabilities and a variety of mental health disabilities. I love my students, our class only takes 10-12 students and they are between the ages of 14-16. They are challenging and fun and I adore them. When I have a bad morning I forget about it within the first 15 minutes of my day. When I was doing IUI and having to go back and forth from work my kids were so worried something was wrong. Their concern was such a big reward.....

Life continues to move forward day by day. I am thinking about my infertility less and less and more about saving money for IVF. It is almost as if I can let the cost of IVF drive me for awhile, the quest for fertility itself can take a backseat. We are meeting with our IVF nurse a week from now. We will find out much more about the process and what our expectations should be. I am still very comfortable waiting until February/March for IVF. It just feels right.
I am also looking forward to finding a part time job. I am hoping to get a job at Smart Set or Indigo. Of course my family is not as happy about me getting a part time job. My parents have offered to pay for as much as the IVF as needed and don't want me to put myself under the stress of two jobs but I need to feel like I am contributing as much as I can. I feel like it is my body that is not working properly, that can't get pregnant so I need to help pay for that.

Well tomorrow is a PD day so it is a day of meetings. YUCK. but it is what it is.

Later Skaters.

new in the world

2010-08-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Hello all...well things in my world are going smoothly...School is starting soon so I am going to enjoy my last few days of freedom. I am looking forward to going back..seeing the kids and getting back into a routine.

My world of IVF continues...we are going to wait until February/March for sure and are going to save like crazy people. I am going to get a second job - part/time to help cover off some of the costs. It will make me feel like I am being proactive. I am still trying to lose weight to help me body prepare for pregnancy...I have hit a plateau and am frustrated but plan on persevering, I refuse to let myself stay in this spot or fall back. I must move forward.

As for Bella the hamster, she is good..really good. She is still on her medication and looks like she is feeling pretty good.

That's about it. Later skaters.

monday, monday

2010-08-23T09:27:00.000-04:00

Good Morning

Well I am up much earlier than I would like to be on a Monday that is my summer vacation but here I am....had to drive Hubby to the car shop to get the car looked at and then onto his work. I am back at home now but still feeling that groggy sleep feeling that comes from rolling out of bed into your car without washing your face or putting on deodorant.

I have curly hair...so what you think. Well I never had curly hair before! I have always had wavy hair, thick wavy hair but since I began fertility treatments and have had a variety of hormones pushed through my body my hair has sprung out of control!!!! I got a hair cut a few days ago to help tame it and now love it!!!!!!!

Yesterday I also realized how much I love being an aunt. Dealing with infertility has made it difficult in the past. I had trouble getting past the sadness and jealousy that she was not mine...that I did not have a child. Well I still might find myself in that dark place every now and again but I no longer wallow in it. I enjoy my time with my niece and love watching Hubby with her. She is a fab little girl who's giggle will melt your heart. No matter where my path takes me I know I will be a frickin fabulous aunt. That counts for something.

change is in the air....

2010-08-21T11:53:00.000-04:00

To begin it is clear the 30 day blog challenge was a fail for me. Although it did serve its purpose at the time...it kept me preoccupied.

Yesterday I turned 33 I had a wonderful birthday, went to Stratford with Hubby saw Evita. I also got my hair done...it was pretty long and needed to be cut so I got about 2/3 inches off some new colour in and I feel great. Overall and fab birthday.

Now for the real news. We went to see our doctor last week to see where we stand after four IUI's with great sperm and eggs. He informed us that we have unexplained infertility...my PCOS is no mild it is non existent. I respond great to meds and get results that most women need much more expensive meds to get. Hubby's sperm look great, wonderful in fact. So the explanation is that there is no real explanation. Unexplained Infertility. Shit.
With that diagnosis on the table Doctor told us that doing more IUI will continue with a negative result and that we should prepare to move onto IVF. YUP!!! The big guns.
We have our meeting with the IVF nurse in September along with a information night. At first we thought we would go right ahead with IVF in October...but then I had a major panic attack and realized I was not ready for the assault on my body that is IVF. PLUS the cost, damn, expensive. So we have made our decision. Take a break, about 6 months. In February/March we will begin the process. This will allow us time to save money and to mentally and physically prepare for what is ahead. I am looking forward to meeting with the nurse to find out all the details to give me lots to research over the next 6 months. I am also looking forward to some time where I can do things for me...to be a little selfish for a little while.

So that is all....who knows where this long road will lead us but I am looking forward to it.

ok..real update

2010-08-12T19:02:00.000-04:00

So this past cycle I have not been writing about my fertility treatments...I needed a break from everybody knowing where I was medically. As I have said before this is an open blog to family and friends as well as all of you so I needed some space.

To start..the result of this cycle was negative. Hearbreakingly negative.

We did IUI again this cycle it was our fourth round, we had five eggs and over one million sperm...good odds :)
No result though. This is so freakin frustrating!!!!! I am starting to get really worried..what happens if this doesn't work, what happens if this really is not in the cards for us!!!! To help calm my worries we are going to see my specialist on Tuesday to see if there is more testing that we can do and what our next steps will be. Change in medication perhaps?? I am not really sure. Hopefully after Tuesday it will be clearer.

It is strange I know I should feel like my heart is ripped out and don't get me wrong I feel pretty crappy but not as horrible as I think others might. I don't know if this is my minds way of protecting its self or perhaps it is my confidence that no matter what..no matter how many times it takes we will have our baby.

It feels good letting you all know where I am with this and to be honest and open as usual. I am taking a break...a real break this cycle. I need space from all the hormones and have roughly 27 days just for me and hubby.

Who knows...maybe we will rock it naturally!

hobby

2010-08-11T21:34:00.000-04:00

Before I begin with the 30 day blog post. I want to give an update on Bella...she is well the same. She seems happy she is sleeping a lot but is still loving her snuggles and so we are at a stand still. My goal is to let her live her natural life...I hope we can. Thank you for those who left comments they brought me to tears, literally. The support from this community is amazing.

As for my hobby.

Well I have many hobbies...many things I like to do. So I will choose two.

1. Reading..I LOVE to read...crazy for reading. In fact I am joining a book club this September!!! So exciting.

2. Scrap booking...love it. Simply love it.

As for fertility. I am doing pretty good...I promise and 'real' update is to come soon...I am still needing some time.....

hugs.

confusion of an animal lover...

2010-08-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

For all of you animal lovers and pet owners out there I think you will understand this post...

As you know my hamster Bella has been quite sick. She has an infection somewhere that they could maybe find through surgery but there is no guarantee...so she is on medicine. One of the things that comes along with this infection is abscesses and an increase in difficulty in her sinuses...so her breathing can be a bit funky. So here is the question every pet owner has to answer. When is it time...when is it time to say goodbye....how do you make that choice for another living being that cannot tell you what they want.
It is hard on me...I am way to empathetic on a good day but this week I have been a wreck, balling at the drop of a hat. I have told hubby the final call will be his. I will not resent him for his choice. Bella seems fine when you look at her besides the big gross scab the last abscess has left on her head but she is really only sleeping now and is not nearly as active. I wonder if she is not in pain do we let her live the natural course of her life, what is left????? I know many of you out there are thinking...goodness it is just a hamster. But hamster or not I love her and she has stolen my heart and I know she will break it when she passes.

Here is hoping to another good few days with my darling girl.

Wedding - talent

2010-08-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

My Wedding...well my anniversary is September 13 so this September we will be married for seven years. We have had a wonderful marriage and fall more in love every year. Below is a wedding photo :)

Talent I have...well...I find it difficult to think of talent that I have so...I will go with the piano. I play the piano and love it. Not the best in the world but I am good at it. :)

song and art

2010-08-07T17:49:00.000-04:00

Ok....so a song that makes me cry.....EASY!!!! Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes...I could be anywhere and hear that and ball!!!!!! It is beautifully haunting....the Scot in me reacts to this song strongly.

As for an art piece....well..I don't really know.I enjoy art, I like to have it in my house but to think of an art piece I love. Well I come up blank. So sadly I don't have anything for this post.

Had a wonderful time with my mom, it was really nice just to spend some time with her. Ate GREAT food and relaxed. Of course the spa was great, mani and pedi, done wonderfully. For those in the GTA area go to Hockley Valley for the food and spa, well worth it.

As for fertility...I am still keeping things to myself right now but I want you to know I am happy with where I am and with this choice for now.

happy Saturday

to dream...

2010-08-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

Todays topic of this 30 day blog challange is dream house. What would be my dream house. I actually think I have two.

1. A beautiful farm house built on a hobby farm. This is not about the house but about the farm. The idea of having most of my food come from my own large garden, fruit from my own trees and eggs from my own chickens...well....it would be amazing!!!!! Hubby and I try and eat and live fairly clean lives with our food and the way we run our household...so to live off the land would be beautiful.

On the other hand......

2. A condo or small home in Quebec City...Old Quebec. Surrounding by history, culture and beautiful kind people and immersed in the french language and culture. To never have to drive anywhere. To walk and ride my bike safely down old cobbles streets. This too is a dream....

Sigh.

Non-fiction

2010-08-05T10:31:00.002-04:00

Ok so today is a Non-Fiction book. Again I have no idea what they are really asking for here so I give you the name of the most recent Non-fiction book I have read.....Women, Food and God. Pretty good....worth a read especially if you have any issues with food.
later skaters.

looking forward to some relaxation...

2010-08-05T10:29:00.000-04:00

Today I am leaving for a few days to go to a resort/spa with my Mom. I am SO looking forward to it. I need some time to recharge and unwind. Plus it will be so nice to spend some time with just my Mom.

However leaving means I need to leave my Bella (sick hamster) I know many people out there scoff at the idea of taking a hamster to a vet and giving it medicine. But to me and hubby she is part of our family and we look after family to the best of our ability. She has an infection that wont go away and gets medicine 3 times a day. It is very difficult when something is so small and fragile and you are so helpless to do more. The reality is that we wont have her for much longer. So the goal is to keep her quality of life high and to keep her happy. My hubby will look after her well I will just worry about her.

Off to pack and then off to the be pampered!!

back in action

2010-08-04T15:39:00.000-04:00

Alright I am back! I have been away at my parents cottage up north and am feeling really good and relaxed. I am however behind in my blog list so here it goes.

8. Photo that makes me angry or sad - This is Hope she was a wonderful little cat. We lost her recently to Kidney disease. I love her.

9. This is suppose to be a photo I took...I have taken many photos but I think this is a great shot..... It is of a Trillium, Ontario's official flower. You are not allowed to pick this flower.

10. A photo of me ten years ago. Ok, I couldn't find one of me 10 years ago so I went with the oldest I could find Christmas 2004.

11. A recent photo of me. this was taken this weekend at the Canadian Whitewater Kayaking Championships.

Almost done........

12. Something I am OCD about....well there are actually lots of things. I have an anxiety disorder so that sort of goes hand in hand with OCD behaviours..Most recent though it is making sure my hamster cage is shut proper.

last one.....

13. Fictional book...huh??? I have no idea what that means so...I will go with the last fictional book I read . It is called Frostbitten from the Women of the Otherworld Series. If you love Vampires, Werewolf's and such you must read this series!

Ok...so that looks like it is about it...back on track. Later Skaters.

happy photo

2010-07-29T22:04:00.000-04:00

Well today is choosing a photo that makes me happy. There are many photos that do this but one came to mind right away so here it is

This is us in Quebec city.. we went there for our sixth year wedding anniversary and not only did I fall in love with the city...I fell in love EVEN MORE with my husband. Love you baby!!!!!

These are a few of my favourite things!

2010-07-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

Yes favourite things...20 to be exact. Here they are.

1. My cat
2. My bunny
3. My hamster
4. yoga
5. blogging/writing
6. A great book
7. a good cup of tea
8. A massage
9. sleeping in
10. getting my hair done
11. baking
12. scrap booking
13. a really good belly laugh
14. sitting at a campfire
15. boxing day - not the shopping just the day with my family
16. shopping with my mom
17. Coffee with friends
18. Walt Disney World
19. Quebec city - I want to retire there!
20. Sharing a bag of smokey bacon potato chips with my hubby

Book List

2010-07-27T22:09:00.000-04:00

I am an avid reader, have been all of my life. As requested I have put together a list of my top 10 reads. Some are books and some are book series. Here is the list in no paticular order.

1. Red Tent
2. Lullabies for little criminals
3. No.1 Lady dectective Series
4. Mary called Magdelene
5. The secret life of bees
6. Shopoholic book series
7. The Mists of Avalon
8. Women of the otherworld Series - Kelly Armstrong
9. Eat, Pray, love
10. Poisonwood Bible
and one more.......
Kiterunner.

These are all wonderful books. Pretty much all of them have Heroines and are told from the female perspective. All worth a read.

Quote.

2010-07-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

'why are you the size of a teenager' - said by a fat kid grade 4 child in a yellow track suit

Yes this is my favourite quote it was said to my husband during a presention he was doing at a school. Hilarious. Since most of you don't know my hubby he is small like me. I am 5' and he is 5'3. We are small and get mistaken for younger people all the time...just usually not so loudly!

Love to read!

2010-07-26T20:11:00.000-04:00

Today is favourite book day. Now I LOVE to read. I have read hundreds and hundreds of books in my life. I can lose myself in a book and not hear the world around me, I can't tell you the amount of times I have missed my subway stop because I have been reading. There are many books I love but one book that stands out in 'The Red Tent' This is a beautiful book written from the female perspective during the biblical time of Joseph. This book captures women's relationships with each other, themselves and their children. Read it, if you have not read it. READ IT!!!!!

Favourite Show

2010-07-25T20:39:00.000-04:00

This is an easy one. My very favourite show is Seinfeld. I am can watch it anytime, anywhere. It does not matter how angry or upset I am the show always perks me up. I can tell you whole episodes and laugh as I tell you them. I like it that much!!!!

I have realized that at the end of this week I am heading up north for about 5 days so I will do a blitz of those items on the day that I leave to not fall behind.

Currently sitting outside on our big front porch sipping a tea and typing on my netbook. Hubby is chillaxing and reading his book and our kitty is in his little house on the from porch with us. A wonderful Sunday night. It reminds me that I am grateful for what I already have and hopeful for what is to come.

The list continues...

2010-07-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today is number 2 on the list. My favourite movie. Again...I don't have one. That's right I don't have a favourite movie...I enjoy watching movies..love comedies and Disney movies but am not a movie lover. I went to an arts high school and majored in theatre. With that came a large group of friends who were crazy for movies. They loved actors and directors and the intense scenes that happen in movies like The Godfather and American Beauty. Me...not so much.

In the world of me things are going well...I am remaining quiet about what my choices will be this cycle because I am not sure what I plan on doing....however I am very excited because today I made a big purchase for myself. I bought myself a netbook!!!! That is right I am writing this blog on it right now, my very own computer. I have been saving money for myself for awhile now..I didn't really know what I was saving for until this little thought came to mind. NETBOOK, my very own to write on when I please and to call my own. I finally feel like an adult!!!

30 day blog..a good distraction

2010-07-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

I have been looking for a distraction away from the world of infertility and what my body is up to at each moment. The goal is to write everyday for 30 days about the assigned subject..today will be my favorite song. I want to thank My Lovely Lady Bump for this great idea and the perfect distraction at the perfect time.

Here is the list...Find number one below :)

Day 1-your favorite song

Day 2-your favorite movie

Day 3-your favorite television program

Day 4- your favorite book

Day 5-your favorite quote

Day 6- 20 of my favorite things

Day 7-a photo that makes you happy

Day 8-a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9-a photo you took

Day 10-a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11-a photo of you recently

Day 12-something you are OCD about

Day 13-a fictional book

Day 14-a non-fictional book

Day 15-your dream house

Day 16-a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17-an art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18-my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19-a talent of yours

Day 20-a hobby of yours

Day 21-a recipe

Day 22-a website

Day 23-a youtube video

Day 24-where I live

Day 25-your day, in great detail

Day 26-your week, in great detail

Day 27-my worst habit

Day 28-whats in my handbag/purse

Day 29-hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30- a dream for the future

My Favourite Song

Ok so of course the first one is the hardest...isn't it always. The thing is I love music, adore it. Listening to it or playing it myself I am never happier. Music has the ability to open my heart and make me weep or dance with joy. That being said I don't have a favorite song. WEIRD! I know...I have never been one to have favorite things like songs, t.v shows or movies.
So sadly I can only tell you that I daily listen to the top 40...love to listen to classical music with my cat and really love anything that makes me dance!

feeling the love

2010-07-20T16:02:00.000-04:00

I want to take the time to thank everyone in my life who supports and loves me. I have an incredible family who is AMAZING and is truly behind me in all my choices it is amazing and I know I am lucky to have it. My mom and Dad are so wonderful and have been with John and I every step of the way so far and will continue on this journey with us. I have the best friends..their kind words have gotten me through a lot of difficult days. Whether these words were through a coffee chat, text message or facebook. They make me feel worthwhile when I feel like nothing. To my blogger friends...well you understand this world better than anyone. I can always count on you for a laugh, piece of advice and supportive words. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

To my husband. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have always been open to hearing me and my thoughts and have been supportive about every choice I have made regarding my body. You have held my hand through IUI and have held me when I cry because our dream has not come true yet. Your positive energy and belief that this will happen for us is what keeps me going sometimes. I love you.

To my furbabies you mean the world to me...

PUDDING

PEPPER

BELLA

sad day? No. Sad weekend.

2010-07-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

To begin I have decided that I am taking a break from the world of infertility this cycle..I may or may not do the IUI but I will not be writing about any of it...I need a break from the world..I am feeling really down with this last BFN and it hurts so much right now that I am doing what is best for me. I will still be reading and commenting and I will still be writing but it will be about my life..not my fertility.

My weekend continued with sadness with the passing of my family cat. Our little girl Hope is at peace...as I write this I cry...she was beautiful and sweet and we all loved her so much.

Hope was a rescued cat, she was found outside and she was on the verge of death..having been beaten and left to die to the elements. She weighed barely four pounds and was over a year old. They named her Hope in hopes that she would live. She did...then my sister and I found her at and adoption centre and begged our parents...we had recently lost our other cat Jingles (handsome boy). Hope lived to be an old girl with us and was so spoiled and loved...we worked very hard to take away all the bad dreams she would have and try and have her forget the horror of the first year of her life. She has been to Florida twice and has spent endless summers at the cottage. She lived a good life and was loved deeply. Bless you little Hope...I will always miss you.

not this time..

2010-07-17T12:02:00.002-04:00

Negative test result. Moving on to IUI #4....pray for me please.

jumping the gun?? ahhh who cares!

2010-07-15T15:01:00.000-04:00

Yes I jumped the gun I went out and bought a pregnancy journal/planner. You see I am a planner and organizer and am always on a need to know basis, I also love to research things. When we were getting married I had a planner and could not have lived without it. Now I know I have not gotten a BFP and I know I may have to put this book away but I don't care. I am enjoying going through it and since pregnancy is just around the corner no matter what. Why the hell not!!!

As for Hope..she is giving my parents a run for their money...she goes from bad to worse and then not so bad...The wonderful news is that she has eaten today!!!!! this is big and we are hoping for a little more time with her because of this. Please keep our little kitty in your thoughts as she is so sweet.

Later skaters.

waiting sucks

2010-07-14T10:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, waiting really does stink. I am three days away from doing my blood test and I am really trying to hold it together. I continue to have minimal cramping..breast are getting a little sore and I am tired!!! I am such an impatient person so this really sucks. I am trying to hard to imagine what it will be like to get a phone call that tells me it is positive, that I am, pregnant...I am finding that hard. So, please continue to send good vibes my way..

In other aspects of my life things are a little sad. My family cat Hope is not well, she is having kidney issues and might be heading towards chronic renal failure...she is a beautiful little girl who is so sweet. We all love her very much and hate having to watch her go through this. She is on medication now and we are hoping for the best. Again with the waiting.....Here is a picture of the darling girl.

So that is pretty much everything...waiting and waiting and trying to stay busy. Will report back soon.

when fear rears its ugly head

2010-07-11T11:22:00.000-04:00

I am now 7 days away from my blood test which would tell me if I am preggers...and I am scared....I try and keep positive and tell myself this is it, there is no reason why it cant be, but the little anxiety monster in me says..maybe not.
I am not feeling great today...I have a back ache and a hint of cramping and I am blah feeling.

I am so worried that this means this cycle did not work..I wonder then what next??

Please send positive vibes my way...I know that at this point I am either pregnant or not but the positive thoughts cant hurt.

10 days to go

2010-07-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

10 days! YIKES!!!!! How am I going to keep myself busy for 10 days!!! I test on July 17.....
Now here is the thing about July 17...it is my sisters birthday, that's right my sister is turning 30 this July 17 and what a wonderfully cool thing if we get a positive result on that day! I am thinking this is it, thinking positive, lots of green light.

In other parts of my world it is hot, holy cow it is hot. 43 with the humidity everyday, I am so grateful I have air conditioning. I remember when I didn't have air and how brutal it was and my heart goes out to all those without a/c.
I have officially hit a plateau with my weight loss so am amping everything up a little. My lofty goal is to lose two pounds this week and next...possible...so we shall see.

Nothing else to report. To all of you hating the heat like me...stay cool.

Waiting Game

2010-07-05T20:41:00.000-04:00

IUI is complete - 3 eggs ovulated, 29.9 million sperm first round and 35.5 million second round. Hubby came with me for both IUI and held my hand...it was really nice for him to feel a part of it. Seeing the process gave him a real idea of what I go through during the IUI, made him appreciate me and what I am doing just a little bit more. I am feeling hopeful, I am able to relax since I don't have to go to work so I am thinking this could help.
I was up at the cottage for the past few days and it was glorious, friends, family and up north..nothing is better. It was way to hot to do some hill walking so I wasn't able balance out the cottage food as much as |I would like, so Back on track tomorrow. I have hit a plateau with my weight loss I need to switch things up get more exercise and such. Looking forward to this week, organize the house, go to the gym and well just relax.
off for now.

freedom!

2010-06-30T10:42:00.000-04:00

FREEDOM!!!

Well that is two things..one of my Dad's favourite lines from Braveheart and how I feel today. I am officially on vacation. I have two months off and plan on enjoying them by relaxing, living life and getting pregnant.
Went in for my day 10 ultrasound today and things look good...4 follies, three look like they will be keepers. Had my HCG shot today, tomorrow and Friday are IUI days.
When I was waiting to get my HCG shot there were two women ahead of me..both were prepping for IVF...I began to wonder if they had tried IUI previous and how many times did they try, I also wondered how they were affording IVF...I have begun to think about IVF...at what point do we stop trying IUI and move forward...how would we even afford it...
Like most of you Hubby and I have had the what if conversation...what if IUI doesn't work do we move forward with IVF, do we adopt...do we remain childless??? I have done a lot of flip flopping on adoption, I am fairly sure that I do not want to adopt....I just don't think it is the right choice for me for multiple reasons...so then IVF??? If we are not going to spend the money on adoption then perhaps IVF makes the most sense. Then the big WHAT IF that doesn't work..will we remain childless..maybe.
All of that aside..I am thinking we may never have to actually work through these choices because I believe IUI will work for us. We are healthy, I ovulate well, Hubby is spermtastic so there is nothing to stand in our way but time...and my time is coming soon.
To all my educator friends out there...HAPPY SUMMER!!!!!

TGIF

2010-06-25T11:12:00.000-04:00

THANK GOD IT IS FRIDAY!!!
This has been the longest week of the entire school year. For those who don't know..I work in an alternative High school setting with at risk youth. They finished their exams on Monday so it has been just myself and the other teacher I work with in our portable...day after day...He comes and goes much more frequently than I do which is fine but damn I am bored. I have organized, cleaned, prepped and I still have Monday and Tuesday to go!! BUT this is my last Friday of work for two months!
I seem to be feeling fine with the Serophene not a lot of side effects so far which is great. I was feeling down yesterday..sad and lonely feeling. I think it was a combination of my day, my Serophene and the fact that I decided to lower my dosage of my depression/anxiety medication. BAD IDEA. So I am back to my regular dosage and think I will be feeling better in no time.
I am hoping the best for this cycle. I am really wishing that with being able to slow down and move at my own pace my body will want to have a little baby inside. Hopefully....