Let the new year begin

As an educator I have two weeks off for the holidays. The first week was full of celebration family and friends. This second week is suppose to be a week of crafting, starting to exercise again, walking the dog.... Really just doing whatever the hell I want.

This morning I woke up with a cold, a crappy cold. Tried scrap booking but couldn't focus... Now I am lying on the couch with Tylenol cold in me, Kleenex shoved up my nose and am watching corner gas. For you Americans it is a hilarious Canadian show about a small town in Saskatchewan.

In unrelated sick news, we have just found out my sister in law is pregnant again. Her and her husband already have on beautiful daughter. I am so happy for them they are wonderful parents and another baby in the family is a blessing.

As you all can guess this was not easy news the hear, no matter how happy I am it is tough. Tough to know it is someone else's turn, not mine.

All in good time

Xxoo

2011

Well 2011 has been an interesting year. I have experienced a great amount of joy and sorrow.

Fertility treatments continued with our first round of ivf. Sadly this resulted In a negative. We have since decided to take a break and are coming to terms with the fact that life without children will be ok, we will be ok. That being said we are hoping to try a second round of ivf in 2012 once we a figured out our finances.

We got our puppy paddy this year and I cannot imagine life without him he has brought us joy beyond what I have dreamed of and has opened up our social circle immensely with all of the other dog parents. Thanks paddy :)

2011 has brought a lot of guilt with it. I am trying desperately to let go of this guilt. It is from recent and long time past. Hubby thinks it is silly for me to carry it around with me and I agree. So if I feel I can't move forward on my own a therapist is in order. I will not carry this on for the next year.

As for 2012 I hope it brings peace and happiness, the blessing of being a parent. I hope throughout this year I follow my heart and instincts and continue to grow into a better person.

Happy new year everyone, many blessings for you all.

xxoo

realization

I have just made a realization....so many of the women I started out blogging with now have babies and not just newborns. But kids, real kids some who are going to be walking and talking.

Where am I, I remain here in the land between. No kids, no reasonable explanation.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for all of these families who are now brimming with baby goodness there is a tiny little piece that says. Why not us, why.

xxoo

7 days

As Christmas and New Years approach I am left to reflect on the past year.

To be honest I was positive I would be pregnant by now. Last year at this time I kept thinking next year will be better, next year we will be having a baby. Sadly this dream has not become a reality. I am left to enjoy my Christmas without a baby but with a strong foundation of family and friends.

This Christmas I am going to enjoy my time with family and friends, cherish them and the moments we have together. I am going to be grateful to sleep in whenever I want, on our ability to go grocery shopping at ten at night and that we can pick up and go whenever  and wherever we want.

My Christmas wish for all of you is that you cherish your loved ones and each other. Be grateful for what you have in your life today and continue to dream big for the future.

xxoo

Why?

There is a great guy I know (GG) , I teach with him. Him and his wife have experienced two miscarriages. They have been going through their third pregnancy, hoping and praying. I have been the only person GG has told about the pregnancy. Today they found out that the heart has stopped beating. She will require a D&C. They are shattered. I am at such a loss. I am so angry and sad about this. GG and his wife are wonderful, caring people. People who should be able to have children to raise and love. To watch them experiencee this heartbreak is horrible.

So here is the question I pose. What do I do? what can I do to help him get through this. I work with this man everyday. I just want to be able to lift his pain from him. What would you do to let him know that you care about him and his loss? What would you say?

it has been a while...

Hello all...yes it has been a while. Life has been moving along as usual. Week days run together and I am trying to get the most out of my weekends. Currently I am not happy in my job. It is not the kids or the teacher I work with it is administration. For those of you who work in education know that you can't really mess with administration so as of now I am stuck, trying to make the best of things.

Hubby and I have finally gotten away on our trip to Montreal. At this moment I am sitting on the train, which I LOVE!!!, writing this. We had a whirl wind weekend of museums, galleries, shopping and fabulous food. It was so wonderful to have time for just us. No worries, no concerns, just us. My parents looked after our puppy and the bunny stayed at the house, checked in by hubby's brother. This allowed us to not worry about our fur babies which was great! My mom and I chatted on Skype and it totally confused the dog, poor thing, he could hear his Mommy but couldn't see her.

On the fertility front we are still looking at a second round of IVF in the spring. It is tough as a few people I know are pregnant. I don't really know how to politely say..I don't fucking want to hear about your pregnancy, it should have been me. See, no easy way. So smiling and nodding is what I do at the moment.

I am doing fairly well though. I am going to take an in class writing course in the spring I think I will enjoy that more than an online class. I am also taking my pottery workshop soon. Should be good. I am mending my soul and really that is all I can ask of myself at the time.

all for now...

xxoo

weight gain - boo

Well it is official I have gained nine pounds. NINE!!!!!!! A combination of IVF medications and emotional eating have lead me here.

So, what to do. Well weight watchers has always worked for me. So I have joined up again and I am planning on getting my butt in gear. I feel good about this because right now my body feels like crap. I hate feeling like crap and believe I am worth feeling better about myself.

Wish me luck :)

xxoo

moving along

Fall has finally arrived here in Ontario and I am happy. It is my favourite season. I love the changing colours, the crisp breeze, I feel rejuvinated during fall like anything is possible.

With this feeling of rejuvination I plan to spend the next six months doing what I want and making no apologies for it. You see I have six months until we try our second IVF, six months until I become pregnant so I plan to live it up!!!!!

I have found some great deals on wag jag and deal find so I am now starting Zumba with my mom and then I am going to be going to pilates as well. I am going to take a pottery workshop and I am going to enjoy some culture with shows, symphonies and trips downtown.

Today my friends I am happy, I am blessed and I am grateful.

(p.s spell check is not working, my apologies)

xxoo

The fog has lifted

I am feeling much more myself. I feel as if that horrible dark fog that was our negative result has lifted and I am once again finding joy, peace and purpose in my life.

 It is so strange while I was going through IVF I did not realize how much of my life was being eaten up by the process. Small things like getting my hair done, remembering to floss, enjoying an evening with hubby and puppy were lost. Now they are found and I am so happy.

I feel like I can refocus on my job and my life outside of infertility and enjoy. One of the first things on my list is to get back to exercising. I cannot do a lot right now as I have torn cartilage in my right knee and am on a surgery list but I can walk and can lift weights and am going to zumba my butt off.

Hubby and I are planning a trip to Montreal in the next few weeks. It is a chance to get away...just be us. So if any of you have suggestions of things to see or a must do in Montreal let me know.

all for now,

xoxo

forward

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through these past few days. They have been pretty bad and to be honest I am still not great yet, but I am mending.

I have so many things going through my mind it is crazy, it can be wrapped up into a few words though. Fear, Guilt, Grief.

Hubby has been fabulous helping me work through the emotions. Lets just say a lot of tears have been shed on his shoulder.

We have made a decision that we are going to wait for awhile until we reevaluate our next move. Dr.E agrees that IVF with a short protocol will be best. So when the time comes we at least know what plan we can follow.

So for now I am looking forward to my thanksgiving weekend and planning our trip to Montreal!!!

xxoo

after shock

Ok...so I am experiencing some after shocks of this negative result.

What if I can never get pregnant. Will I be happy. Will I be able to come to terms with not having a child?? I don't know how my relationship will be affected...will it be fine, grown stronger or become well..a shadow of a marriage.

I don't know if I will be ok being a women who has to answer..no I never had children every time I am asked.

I do know I cannot adopt...it is just not something that is for me.

Is this it?? Me, hubby and our animals????

:(

Beta

Test showed a negative result. No pregnancy. Heartbreaking, yes. Surprising, no.

I had a feeling that this was not to be the time the closer I got to the date. In fact I think I would have been more surprised if I had gotten a positive result.

So what now??

We we are going to take a break from treatment. In the mean time there are somethings to keep me busy.

- get back to the gym while I CAN
- My knee needs to be fixed. I have torn cartilage. So I will be getting sugary done on my knee.
- We are going to take a trip, a few days for us to get away and just rejuvenate and have time for us. We are thinking Montreal
- save money for next IVF

So...there we go. Time to move forward.

xoxo

IVF-13 dpt

Ok, so I am a bad educator. I am sitting here in class and all I can think about is my test tomorrow. I really do enjoy my students but right now their issues and dilemmas seem trivial and I could care less about them.

I am so nervous, so worried. You see I have NEVER had a positive test result blood work or at home test...EVER. In five years of trying NEVER!!!!  So I have this underlying fear that my body cannot get pregnant.

Please oh please let this happen for me. Let this be it for us. Please.

Day 27 - IVF - 11 dpt

Well I am still here.

I am in much less pain which is great...it actually settled down over the weekend. I have 3 more days till my beta test to tell me if we are pregnant or not. Oddly I am not one to test at home, I don't really know why. I just seem to be able to wait until the blood work.

I am feeling ok, tired today and I had a brutal headache, for sure weather related it. It does not know if it is summer or spring here in Southern Ontario. I have officially switched over to progesterone suppositories, yes the one that go up your bum. Gross I know but they don't cause me a major irritation to my lady parts. I have had a teeny tiny bit of spotting...I don't even know if I would call it that but a little bit of old blood mixed with old progesterone. Again, I know sort of gross.

I am so scared of what the outcome of this will be....I so badly want to be pregnant and experience all of the wonderful and horrible things that come with pregnancy and motherhood. But I am terrified that this cycle will not be it. I know I need to stay positive and think good thoughts and such but the fact of the matter is that I am a realist. I know the chances for us this cycle are not great. So I continue to mentally prepare myself for the worst. Knowing we can handle it....but really hoping we wont have to and that we will get to experience joy.

There are a few ladies in the blogger world who have been doing IVF right along with me and they have had positive results. I am so hoping I get to join them in their happiness and celebration.

Day 23 - IVF - 7dpt

I was going to write a post about the ups and downs of the two week wait during IVF but something more pressing needs to be written about..Pain.

I have been having horrible stabbing pain on my right side for the past three days. It can be so bad that it makes me crumple to the ground. This morning I woke up to general cramp pain. Needless to say this pain has brought a lot of fear with it.

The fear is based on two things:

One - That this IVF cycle has not worked and I will be left with a BFN after all of the time, money and energy spent.

Two -  I have horrible cramps, I mean horrible. Like double over throwing up from the pain type of cramps. Typically when I feel cramps coming on I take Annaprox a med from my family Doctor so that I am not stuck with horrific pain. I cannot take these meds right now due to the fact that I could still possibly be pregnant. Meaning I could end up in a great deal of pain and not be able to do much for it. So the fear of pain is quite real for me.

I am suppose to be going to a family reunion for my hubby's family today. It is a two hour drive there and then obviously a two hour ride home. With the cramps coming and going and the stress it has put me under the thought of being two hours away from home is horrible. Thus, I will not being going. I feel bad knowing this is something that is important to him and his family but I just can't do it right now. Hopefully next time his family has a big get together we will be able to go with all of this in the past and with a baby in our arms.

xxoo

Day 18 - IVF - 2dpt

Good Morning,

I have decided to take Monday off of work. I just feel better about having one more day lazing around the house. I am bored but at least I know Eggbert is not being jostled around to much and maybe has a better chance of sticking.

These past few days have been pretty uneventful. A lot of sitting around watching Seinfeld and playing on the computer.

Hubby and I are trying really hard to eat healthy. I decided I might as well start eating as though I have a little being growing in me because it is more than possible!! I have also been eating pineapple, whether or not it is an old wives tale anything that may help with implantation I will do.

I am feeling pretty good physically, the bloating is gone and my energy is good. The only issue I have is the progesterone. I really do think it might be giving me an yeast infection, yuck. Put a call into my clinic today so we will see what they come up with.

I never posted the two pictures from transfer day so I will do that now...Hope everyone is having an enjoyable Monday.

xxoo


-I really had to pee-

-all ready for the transfer-

Day 16-IVF- transfer day

Well the transfer is done. Eggbert is a healthy 10 cell, grade two embryo. The transfer was fairly easy and painless, although I was pretty sure at one point I was going to lose control of my full bladder and pee all over the table.

For those who don't know how an ivf transfer works it is very basic. You arrive with a full bladder so there is a clear shot of the uterus. Then after the cervix is open and cleaned a carher is put in. The lab tech brings the embryos in a needle like contraption. This is inserted into the catheter and once it is in the right position the embryo is released in the uterus. That easy :)

So after the transfer was done and I got to pee. We headed home. I have been lying around all day on a self prescribed bed rest. Tomorrow I will take it easy again. My clinic does not recommend bed rest unless really necessary. So what are your thoughts on bed rest??? Ivfer's out there did u do bed rest???

Day 15 - IVF

Fert report showed eggbert doing well, he is growing. In fact there is a bit of a concern that he is growing to fast, he was at 8 cells this morning which is a bit big. Of course this has me worried...what does that mean?? Is there a higher risk of him not sticking?? If he does stick is there a higher risk something chormonsonally will be wrong? I don't know.

With Eggbert continuing to grow transfer is tomorrow morning at 10:00am and then a few days of bed rest. I am so nervous for so many reasons right now I am having trouble focusing at work and just want tomorrow to come so we can move forward. I feel bad for my students...to be honest I just don't care that much today. I am so wrapped up in my own head that focusing on them is next to impossible.

From a physical aspect I am doing ok, I am bloated but not as bloated so that is good. I have been taking my progesterone but am getting a bit worried....in the past vaginal progesterone has caused yeast infections for me and I think I feel one coming on. I have put a call into the IVF nurse to see what options I have. Hopefully I hear from her fairly soon.

Thats it for now, more as it comes.

xxoo

Day 14-IVF

Not feeling so hot today.

Fert report was not great. Two eggs were immature and not able to fertilize. Two other eggs had not fertilized yet and they were unsure as to whether or not these were also not mature enough...However one did fertilize. So hooray!!!! I am so worried about this little egg. I am praying it multiplys and stays healthy.

I am worried about my report tomorrow morning, what if it is bad news? I am not sure how I will handle it. I will have to work all day. However I remain optimistic that eggbert is strong and will pull through and will be back with me nestling in very soon.

I do have a question for anyone who has done IVF. How did you feel the day after retrieval? I feel like crap, super bloated and sore and no energy...just wondering if it is normal.

xxoo

Day 13 -IVF

Today was retrieval day!!!! It was quite an experience. My Hubby and my Mom were with me. Hubby got to be with me every step of the way.

When we arrived I got changed and was given two ativan to keep my anxiety down, Next came the IV with a salin solution, which was not easy to put in but Nurse T, did a great job.

Next thing I knew my mom had to leave to wait outside, John had finished his sample and was getting his scrubs on and we were off to the OR.

Once in the OR things started to get fuzzy. More meds were given through the IV but I really had no clue as to what was happening, I was in a happy place. Hubby sat right beside me holding me hand telling me what was happening. He was fabulous. He got to see all the follies on the U/S screen and said it was really cool...I am a little jealous about that.

When we were done, procedure only took about 8 minutes and everyone said I did fabulous, I was whisked back to the recovery room where I slept and was given sips of water by John cause I was damn thirsty!!!!

As far a follies go, there were nine and from those nine came five eggs. Hubby said Dr. E was happy with this. So now we will wait for the call tomorrow morning to find out how our eggies are doing. I am so nervous for them. I hope they all fertilize, I want them to do well and grow nice and big a strong so please send out good vibes.

Of course as usual there was a lot of laughter and giggling during the whole morning and of course there are pictures. So here are a few from the Retrieval process.