the fog is clearing

I have been so depressed. So horribly depressed. Losing my cat Pudding was not just a loss of my little boy who I loved with all my heart but a reminder of how empty life can be. When we lost him all of the infertility pain came back...the hurt and the pain of it all. But now slowly I am coming back. I am seeing the light.

I did see my new counselor and it was horrible. She was understanding and all that jazz that therapists are suppose to be but her experience in the world of infertility sucks. In fact she actually said my most hated phrase....'if you relax it may happen for you' WHAT SERIOUSLY! yes, she said that. It took all my will power to not say fuck you and walk out. But I didn't. I held my cool and nodded and tried to politely explain that it does not work that way. I will not be going back and am saddened by the experience as most of my experience with therapists have been positive. However it did help to realize how much infertility is a part of my depression and that I need to find someone who has experience and knowledge in this field.

So with the light shinning on me again I can feel my face lifting. I am making my way out of the fog and am looking forward to a fabulous holiday season.


winning the war

The battle lines are set and I am winning. I am taking control and not getting pulled into that little monsters game. Recent strategies have been.....a day light that I bought at Costco, it is small and sits on my desk and I LOVE IT!! This is such an amazing little invention. For anyone who suffers from Seasonal depression get one, they make all the difference. The second thing I did was cut my hair. short. and dyed it dark.  It was such a release to cut it..honestly I could have shaved it all off at the time it was so freeing. here is a pic. don't 'mind the bathrobe.
So I am moving and fighting. I am going away for the weekend with my friends shopping and I have my first counselling apt. so. look on monster I am on a roll.


little gray monster

There is a little gray monster that lives in me. He usually stays behind closed doors and does not come out and play but when life gets to difficult he cannot be contained.
He is responsible for pulling the sides of my mouth down so they feel like they are in a permanent frown, he is the one who tells me I am ugly when I look in the mirror. This little monster is the one who makes me feel like an empty shell.
In the past I have ingorned this little man and let myself fall deeper and deeper into his games and had a very difficult time getting back. But now I am older and wiser and recognize when he is coming around and refuse to fall back into old habits of permanent sadness. So I up my medication and I go and talk to someone. I try and be grateful for what I have and hope and pray that the little gray monster will go back into his hidey hole and not come out and play again.



Intention my intentions I do not follow through with my intentions i hate it. Makes me feel like crap. I need to follow through. I need to not wallow. I hate myself tonight and that sucks.


my heart is breaking

Our little boy Pudding passed away last night. We lost him to heart failure. Hubby and I were with him at the end patting him and telling him how much we love him. My heart is breaking, shattering. We have had him for 10 years and he is our life. We have been trying to have a baby for years and Pudding has literally become our baby...it just hurts so much. To wander my house and not see him....to have to figure out what to do with his things...I have put his food bowl away, that is a start but it is going to be a long painful process. Keep us in your prayers.

On Halloween, his favourite holiday - four days before we lost him.