2011

Well 2011 has been an interesting year. I have experienced a great amount of joy and sorrow.

Fertility treatments continued with our first round of ivf. Sadly this resulted In a negative. We have since decided to take a break and are coming to terms with the fact that life without children will be ok, we will be ok. That being said we are hoping to try a second round of ivf in 2012 once we a figured out our finances.

We got our puppy paddy this year and I cannot imagine life without him he has brought us joy beyond what I have dreamed of and has opened up our social circle immensely with all of the other dog parents. Thanks paddy :)

2011 has brought a lot of guilt with it. I am trying desperately to let go of this guilt. It is from recent and long time past. Hubby thinks it is silly for me to carry it around with me and I agree. So if I feel I can't move forward on my own a therapist is in order. I will not carry this on for the next year.

As for 2012 I hope it brings peace and happiness, the blessing of being a parent. I hope throughout this year I follow my heart and instincts and continue to grow into a better person.

Happy new year everyone, many blessings for you all.

xxoo

realization

I have just made a realization....so many of the women I started out blogging with now have babies and not just newborns. But kids, real kids some who are going to be walking and talking.

Where am I, I remain here in the land between. No kids, no reasonable explanation.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for all of these families who are now brimming with baby goodness there is a tiny little piece that says. Why not us, why.

xxoo

7 days

As Christmas and New Years approach I am left to reflect on the past year.

To be honest I was positive I would be pregnant by now. Last year at this time I kept thinking next year will be better, next year we will be having a baby. Sadly this dream has not become a reality. I am left to enjoy my Christmas without a baby but with a strong foundation of family and friends.

This Christmas I am going to enjoy my time with family and friends, cherish them and the moments we have together. I am going to be grateful to sleep in whenever I want, on our ability to go grocery shopping at ten at night and that we can pick up and go whenever  and wherever we want.

My Christmas wish for all of you is that you cherish your loved ones and each other. Be grateful for what you have in your life today and continue to dream big for the future.

xxoo

Why?

There is a great guy I know (GG) , I teach with him. Him and his wife have experienced two miscarriages. They have been going through their third pregnancy, hoping and praying. I have been the only person GG has told about the pregnancy. Today they found out that the heart has stopped beating. She will require a D&C. They are shattered. I am at such a loss. I am so angry and sad about this. GG and his wife are wonderful, caring people. People who should be able to have children to raise and love. To watch them experiencee this heartbreak is horrible.

So here is the question I pose. What do I do? what can I do to help him get through this. I work with this man everyday. I just want to be able to lift his pain from him. What would you do to let him know that you care about him and his loss? What would you say?

it has been a while...

Hello all...yes it has been a while. Life has been moving along as usual. Week days run together and I am trying to get the most out of my weekends. Currently I am not happy in my job. It is not the kids or the teacher I work with it is administration. For those of you who work in education know that you can't really mess with administration so as of now I am stuck, trying to make the best of things.

Hubby and I have finally gotten away on our trip to Montreal. At this moment I am sitting on the train, which I LOVE!!!, writing this. We had a whirl wind weekend of museums, galleries, shopping and fabulous food. It was so wonderful to have time for just us. No worries, no concerns, just us. My parents looked after our puppy and the bunny stayed at the house, checked in by hubby's brother. This allowed us to not worry about our fur babies which was great! My mom and I chatted on Skype and it totally confused the dog, poor thing, he could hear his Mommy but couldn't see her.

On the fertility front we are still looking at a second round of IVF in the spring. It is tough as a few people I know are pregnant. I don't really know how to politely say..I don't fucking want to hear about your pregnancy, it should have been me. See, no easy way. So smiling and nodding is what I do at the moment.

I am doing fairly well though. I am going to take an in class writing course in the spring I think I will enjoy that more than an online class. I am also taking my pottery workshop soon. Should be good. I am mending my soul and really that is all I can ask of myself at the time.

all for now...

xxoo

weight gain - boo

Well it is official I have gained nine pounds. NINE!!!!!!! A combination of IVF medications and emotional eating have lead me here.

So, what to do. Well weight watchers has always worked for me. So I have joined up again and I am planning on getting my butt in gear. I feel good about this because right now my body feels like crap. I hate feeling like crap and believe I am worth feeling better about myself.

Wish me luck :)

xxoo

moving along

Fall has finally arrived here in Ontario and I am happy. It is my favourite season. I love the changing colours, the crisp breeze, I feel rejuvinated during fall like anything is possible.

With this feeling of rejuvination I plan to spend the next six months doing what I want and making no apologies for it. You see I have six months until we try our second IVF, six months until I become pregnant so I plan to live it up!!!!!

I have found some great deals on wag jag and deal find so I am now starting Zumba with my mom and then I am going to be going to pilates as well. I am going to take a pottery workshop and I am going to enjoy some culture with shows, symphonies and trips downtown.

Today my friends I am happy, I am blessed and I am grateful.

(p.s spell check is not working, my apologies)

xxoo

The fog has lifted

I am feeling much more myself. I feel as if that horrible dark fog that was our negative result has lifted and I am once again finding joy, peace and purpose in my life.

 It is so strange while I was going through IVF I did not realize how much of my life was being eaten up by the process. Small things like getting my hair done, remembering to floss, enjoying an evening with hubby and puppy were lost. Now they are found and I am so happy.

I feel like I can refocus on my job and my life outside of infertility and enjoy. One of the first things on my list is to get back to exercising. I cannot do a lot right now as I have torn cartilage in my right knee and am on a surgery list but I can walk and can lift weights and am going to zumba my butt off.

Hubby and I are planning a trip to Montreal in the next few weeks. It is a chance to get away...just be us. So if any of you have suggestions of things to see or a must do in Montreal let me know.

all for now,

xoxo

forward

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through these past few days. They have been pretty bad and to be honest I am still not great yet, but I am mending.

I have so many things going through my mind it is crazy, it can be wrapped up into a few words though. Fear, Guilt, Grief.

Hubby has been fabulous helping me work through the emotions. Lets just say a lot of tears have been shed on his shoulder.

We have made a decision that we are going to wait for awhile until we reevaluate our next move. Dr.E agrees that IVF with a short protocol will be best. So when the time comes we at least know what plan we can follow.

So for now I am looking forward to my thanksgiving weekend and planning our trip to Montreal!!!

xxoo

after shock

Ok...so I am experiencing some after shocks of this negative result.

What if I can never get pregnant. Will I be happy. Will I be able to come to terms with not having a child?? I don't know how my relationship will be affected...will it be fine, grown stronger or become well..a shadow of a marriage.

I don't know if I will be ok being a women who has to answer..no I never had children every time I am asked.

I do know I cannot adopt...it is just not something that is for me.

Is this it?? Me, hubby and our animals????

:(

Beta

Test showed a negative result. No pregnancy. Heartbreaking, yes. Surprising, no.

I had a feeling that this was not to be the time the closer I got to the date. In fact I think I would have been more surprised if I had gotten a positive result.

So what now??

We we are going to take a break from treatment. In the mean time there are somethings to keep me busy.

- get back to the gym while I CAN
- My knee needs to be fixed. I have torn cartilage. So I will be getting sugary done on my knee.
- We are going to take a trip, a few days for us to get away and just rejuvenate and have time for us. We are thinking Montreal
- save money for next IVF

So...there we go. Time to move forward.

xoxo

IVF-13 dpt

Ok, so I am a bad educator. I am sitting here in class and all I can think about is my test tomorrow. I really do enjoy my students but right now their issues and dilemmas seem trivial and I could care less about them.

I am so nervous, so worried. You see I have NEVER had a positive test result blood work or at home test...EVER. In five years of trying NEVER!!!!  So I have this underlying fear that my body cannot get pregnant.

Please oh please let this happen for me. Let this be it for us. Please.

Day 27 - IVF - 11 dpt

Well I am still here.

I am in much less pain which is great...it actually settled down over the weekend. I have 3 more days till my beta test to tell me if we are pregnant or not. Oddly I am not one to test at home, I don't really know why. I just seem to be able to wait until the blood work.

I am feeling ok, tired today and I had a brutal headache, for sure weather related it. It does not know if it is summer or spring here in Southern Ontario. I have officially switched over to progesterone suppositories, yes the one that go up your bum. Gross I know but they don't cause me a major irritation to my lady parts. I have had a teeny tiny bit of spotting...I don't even know if I would call it that but a little bit of old blood mixed with old progesterone. Again, I know sort of gross.

I am so scared of what the outcome of this will be....I so badly want to be pregnant and experience all of the wonderful and horrible things that come with pregnancy and motherhood. But I am terrified that this cycle will not be it. I know I need to stay positive and think good thoughts and such but the fact of the matter is that I am a realist. I know the chances for us this cycle are not great. So I continue to mentally prepare myself for the worst. Knowing we can handle it....but really hoping we wont have to and that we will get to experience joy.

There are a few ladies in the blogger world who have been doing IVF right along with me and they have had positive results. I am so hoping I get to join them in their happiness and celebration.

Day 23 - IVF - 7dpt

I was going to write a post about the ups and downs of the two week wait during IVF but something more pressing needs to be written about..Pain.

I have been having horrible stabbing pain on my right side for the past three days. It can be so bad that it makes me crumple to the ground. This morning I woke up to general cramp pain. Needless to say this pain has brought a lot of fear with it.

The fear is based on two things:

One - That this IVF cycle has not worked and I will be left with a BFN after all of the time, money and energy spent.

Two -  I have horrible cramps, I mean horrible. Like double over throwing up from the pain type of cramps. Typically when I feel cramps coming on I take Annaprox a med from my family Doctor so that I am not stuck with horrific pain. I cannot take these meds right now due to the fact that I could still possibly be pregnant. Meaning I could end up in a great deal of pain and not be able to do much for it. So the fear of pain is quite real for me.

I am suppose to be going to a family reunion for my hubby's family today. It is a two hour drive there and then obviously a two hour ride home. With the cramps coming and going and the stress it has put me under the thought of being two hours away from home is horrible. Thus, I will not being going. I feel bad knowing this is something that is important to him and his family but I just can't do it right now. Hopefully next time his family has a big get together we will be able to go with all of this in the past and with a baby in our arms.

xxoo

Day 18 - IVF - 2dpt

Good Morning,

I have decided to take Monday off of work. I just feel better about having one more day lazing around the house. I am bored but at least I know Eggbert is not being jostled around to much and maybe has a better chance of sticking.

These past few days have been pretty uneventful. A lot of sitting around watching Seinfeld and playing on the computer.

Hubby and I are trying really hard to eat healthy. I decided I might as well start eating as though I have a little being growing in me because it is more than possible!! I have also been eating pineapple, whether or not it is an old wives tale anything that may help with implantation I will do.

I am feeling pretty good physically, the bloating is gone and my energy is good. The only issue I have is the progesterone. I really do think it might be giving me an yeast infection, yuck. Put a call into my clinic today so we will see what they come up with.

I never posted the two pictures from transfer day so I will do that now...Hope everyone is having an enjoyable Monday.

xxoo


-I really had to pee-

-all ready for the transfer-

Day 16-IVF- transfer day

Well the transfer is done. Eggbert is a healthy 10 cell, grade two embryo. The transfer was fairly easy and painless, although I was pretty sure at one point I was going to lose control of my full bladder and pee all over the table.

For those who don't know how an ivf transfer works it is very basic. You arrive with a full bladder so there is a clear shot of the uterus. Then after the cervix is open and cleaned a carher is put in. The lab tech brings the embryos in a needle like contraption. This is inserted into the catheter and once it is in the right position the embryo is released in the uterus. That easy :)

So after the transfer was done and I got to pee. We headed home. I have been lying around all day on a self prescribed bed rest. Tomorrow I will take it easy again. My clinic does not recommend bed rest unless really necessary. So what are your thoughts on bed rest??? Ivfer's out there did u do bed rest???

Day 15 - IVF

Fert report showed eggbert doing well, he is growing. In fact there is a bit of a concern that he is growing to fast, he was at 8 cells this morning which is a bit big. Of course this has me worried...what does that mean?? Is there a higher risk of him not sticking?? If he does stick is there a higher risk something chormonsonally will be wrong? I don't know.

With Eggbert continuing to grow transfer is tomorrow morning at 10:00am and then a few days of bed rest. I am so nervous for so many reasons right now I am having trouble focusing at work and just want tomorrow to come so we can move forward. I feel bad for my students...to be honest I just don't care that much today. I am so wrapped up in my own head that focusing on them is next to impossible.

From a physical aspect I am doing ok, I am bloated but not as bloated so that is good. I have been taking my progesterone but am getting a bit worried....in the past vaginal progesterone has caused yeast infections for me and I think I feel one coming on. I have put a call into the IVF nurse to see what options I have. Hopefully I hear from her fairly soon.

Thats it for now, more as it comes.

xxoo

Day 14-IVF

Not feeling so hot today.

Fert report was not great. Two eggs were immature and not able to fertilize. Two other eggs had not fertilized yet and they were unsure as to whether or not these were also not mature enough...However one did fertilize. So hooray!!!! I am so worried about this little egg. I am praying it multiplys and stays healthy.

I am worried about my report tomorrow morning, what if it is bad news? I am not sure how I will handle it. I will have to work all day. However I remain optimistic that eggbert is strong and will pull through and will be back with me nestling in very soon.

I do have a question for anyone who has done IVF. How did you feel the day after retrieval? I feel like crap, super bloated and sore and no energy...just wondering if it is normal.

xxoo

Day 13 -IVF

Today was retrieval day!!!! It was quite an experience. My Hubby and my Mom were with me. Hubby got to be with me every step of the way.

When we arrived I got changed and was given two ativan to keep my anxiety down, Next came the IV with a salin solution, which was not easy to put in but Nurse T, did a great job.

Next thing I knew my mom had to leave to wait outside, John had finished his sample and was getting his scrubs on and we were off to the OR.

Once in the OR things started to get fuzzy. More meds were given through the IV but I really had no clue as to what was happening, I was in a happy place. Hubby sat right beside me holding me hand telling me what was happening. He was fabulous. He got to see all the follies on the U/S screen and said it was really cool...I am a little jealous about that.

When we were done, procedure only took about 8 minutes and everyone said I did fabulous, I was whisked back to the recovery room where I slept and was given sips of water by John cause I was damn thirsty!!!!

As far a follies go, there were nine and from those nine came five eggs. Hubby said Dr. E was happy with this. So now we will wait for the call tomorrow morning to find out how our eggies are doing. I am so nervous for them. I hope they all fertilize, I want them to do well and grow nice and big a strong so please send out good vibes.

Of course as usual there was a lot of laughter and giggling during the whole morning and of course there are pictures. So here are a few from the Retrieval process.

Day 11 - IVF

What a difference a few days make. Over the past couple of days my body has been working hard. In fact it has been working so hard that I now have 8 follies and we are going ahead with IVF!!!! I just finished my trigger shot which means my retrieval will be Wednesday morning.

I cannot believe that we are finally here. After all of the back and forth my body has pulled through. Thank you so much to everyone who sent out positive vibes and prayers it is truly appreciated.

So tonight I feel good, exhausted and a little overwhelmed but good.

Below are a few pictures of the past few days.

xxoo


-Ok, a terrible picture of me, but this is me with fingers crossed for lots of follies going into the ultrasound-



 -This is Hubby holding up our Clinic's form for retrieval, he is excited-

-This is me with our last bag of meds, it was really sunny-

Day 9-IVF

My frustration is reaching its peak.

The menopur is doing it job, I know have 10 follies in total. That is up from just two in a few days. However as wonderful as that seems there is a catch. A few of my follies are way ahead of all the others. What does this mean? you may ask well it means I am in limbo.

If more than five follies can all be roughly the same good size as of tomorrow then we will go ahead with IVF if that does not happen we convert to an IUI. Since I have done four unsuccessful IUI's before that it does not give me a lot of hope for this cycle.

The good news I can gather from this is that the menopur works and so if we need to do another cycle then we are ahead of the game....

However that does not change my frustration at this point. I have taken a hell of a lot of medicine and spent a hell of a lot of money to do an IUI!! I feel bad for hubby because he really is just on the sidelines for all of this and I cannot imagine how hard that would be. I don't want to cry about this, I don't want to give in to that emotion..but my damn estrogen levels are making is pretty difficult. I just want to make it through to tomorrow and get a final verdict on what will be happening. Then I can digest it and move forward.

xxoo

Day 6 - IVF

Today is a rough day,

I went to my clinic this morning and discovered my body is not moving along the way we would like it to be. I currently have three follicles on the right ovary and none on the left. Dr. E needs to see more growth. I have had my pruegon bumped up to 300 and will be doing menepur as well, at a dosage of 150. Of course Suprefact continues each morning. I will do these meds tonight and tomorrow and go in for ultrasound on Friday to see how much growth has happened.
Dr. E will go ahead with IVF if there is 6 or more follies. If not we will convert to IUI. He told me that a long protocol with Suprefact can sometimes lead to suppression of follies but that can only be discovered through the process....If we do another round of IVF then we will do a short protocol hoping for better results.

So, how do I feel about this. Shitty, crumby, angry, sad, and disappointed along with a variety of other feelings....When you are using your body as a pin cushion you expect it to respond. When it doesn't well...you end up feeling how I feel (see above).

I am really hoping that over the next two days my body kicks into gear and gets some follies going. If any of you IVFers out there have tips pass them along!!!!!

xxoo

day 4-IVF

Three days ago I started Pruegon, I am now doing two shots a day. My Suprefact in the morning and Pruegon in the evening. I feel like a giant pin cushion but all in all it is not that bad. The Pruegon is not terrible, it hurts like a bitch when I first give it to myself but beside that the side effects so far are pretty minimal...I am a bit bitchy but hubby can handle that :)

Today I went for ultrasound and blood work and the nurse is pleased with how things are coming along, I already have two eggs so that is good. She actually gave the day off tomorrow so I don't have to go back until Wednesday which is great because tomorrow is the first day of school!!!!!

I love the first day of school, even though I am now a staff it is such a fun feeling going back. Wearing a new back to school outfit, seeing people you have not seen for months. It is fun. I love to see how the teenagers have changed, what is new in their lives. They bring me a lot of joy and I swear keep my young.

The one thing I do need to comment on with all of these meds is that my hair is still changing colour. Seriously my eye brows are still going blond and now my hair is changing!! What the what!!!!!

So here is a picture of my eye brow, hard to see I know but it use to be brown! I swear!

33

Today I have cramps, exhaustion and a pep in my step because my period has finally arrived!

This means Friday I will go in for my day zero ultrasound and blood work appt. and start what I call stage two of IVF. This means I continue suprefact and will also start taking pruegon. Two shots a day, what a lucky lady.

With everything being pushed ahead I have now realized that I will be doing my shots at school. I do them between 8:00am and 9:00am....school starts at 8:00am. We have a single private bathroom for teachers in the school so I can just use that. I am not worried about this....the teacher I work with is really easy going and won't ask to many questions, plus his wife is a doctor who specializes in infertility. The students will be oblivious, really at 8:00am in the morning what teenager isn't.

In other life news things are good. One week until I am back to work and I plan on enjoying my days off. Spend some quality time with friends, sister, brother- in -law, mom, dad and hubby :)

xxoo.

Here is a recent pic of my little Paddy. Love him so much.

31

Today I am sad. Just sad. It sucks.

I still don't have my period and it feels like my body is playing a really bad joke on me. Also my eyebrows which have always been dark brown are turning a blond, ginger colour. Weird, is it the meds...I don`t know....

I have just heard Beyonce is expecting.....I am happy for her but today was not the day I wanted to hear that a beautiful, rich, talented celebrity was expecting. Nonetheless I wish her the best.

tomorrow will be better day,

xxoo.

Day 30

Frustration is setting in. Today was suppose to be my day zero. First day of ultrasound and blood work regimen and beginning of Pruegon.

For all of this to happen I need my period to have started.... However my body that usually runs like clock work is not. I still have yet to get my period although I have cramps, sore chest, exhaustion and mood swings. Lucky me.

I understand my body functions are not something I can control but I like order and schedules so now that my schedule is screwed up I am pissed. The one good thing that comes with this delay is that I will not be doing my retrieval on the first day of school. I will be able to be there to welcome back all of the teenagers and hear about their summers :)

I continue to do well with my suprefact shots, I am actually a rock star at it.

In other life news I have just had my 34 birthday. I spent my birthday weekend up north at my parents cottage with my family. I had a great weekend surrounded by love. There really is nothing better.

Here are a few of my favourite photos from my birthday weekend. Staring brother-in-law, sister, hubby, Paddy the dog and myself.


xxoo.

Day 24

Things are moving along tickity-boo, no real complaints regarding the medication. I am pretty good at jabbing myself with a needle. Side effects of the meds seem to be getting tired really randomly and sometimes feeling nauseous, and crazy sensitive skin bruising really easily.

I am a bit worried about my upcoming period as I usually get really bad cramps and take Anaprox for them...I don't know if I can take that with this cycle...so I am going to head out to my fertility clinic later on to ask. I am lucky as it is only 15 minutes away.

I have to say there is nothing better than some sister time. A few days ago my sister and I went shopping and had a hilarious good time. Really nothing better than trying on crazy clothes and having a good laugh. Love my sister to bits and am so grateful that we can spend time together. Love you Rin.

xxoo

-Shopping pics-

Day 21

So it Begins.....

Today is the first day of medication. Superfact is the name of the game!!! The first needle went well, husband was there to lend moral support even though needles are one of his least favourite things.

We have completed all of our mandatory meetings with IVF nurse and Social Worker who told us that she thought we were very settled and well prepared to start this journey.

I am ready for this! I am positive and looking forward to the outcome of this process!!!

In other news I have been diagnoised with Restless leg syndrome. OMG brutal. Am not sleeping well at night....so, if anyone out there has any ideas or stratagies to help send them my way!!!!

Here are some photos-enjoy-xxoo

-Feeling good after our meeting with the Social Worker- A Starbucks reward for getting closer to the start!-



-John ready to go-he is holding the needle, meds and sharps box-yes we are now proud owners of a sharp box!-

-Ok, I look a bit crazy and tired, to be fair I had only been up about 3 minutes-

-Drawing out the superfact with the needle- Do you love my Mini-mouse nightie!!-

-SUCCESS!!! we did it, one down and many more to go!-

Day 11

Well yesterday sucked. I mean really sucked.

Kathy's funeral was overflowing with people, in fact it was standing room only. Of course I expected this, she was a remarkable person and deserved to have such a large amount of people come to honour her. Due to the amount of people in the room the emotion over powering. It was impossible to not feel the pain and loss each and everyone of us were experiencing. It was heartbreaking to watch and listen as students said good bye to someone they cared so deeply for. Her daughters spoke with grace and maturity and when they walked by me as pallbearers for their mothers casket it did me in. This loss has left me numb, I know it will ease but for now a real smile is hard to come by.

I had to leave the funeral immediately for my Salin-Sono and pap. Joy (sarcasm), I have had this test done before but because I am proceeding with IVF I had to do it again to ensure everything was clear. So I lay their in my funeral blouse and had my body poked and prodded. Everything is fine. I can go forward with IVF. I am happy about this, I really am. I just can't smile yet.

-Hating the Sono-



Day 8

Day 8 already, time is moving quickly...Day 21 and the start of meds will be coming soon!!!

 Day 3 went well. Ultrasound looked good and blood work got done. Hubby survived the horror of the blood work he even was able to stay seated and didn't have to lie down. Here are a few photos of our day at the clinic. Hubby showing off his boo boo and me with my Gatorade so I was ready for my full bladder ultrasound and ready to give 15 vials of blood. YUCK.



Friday is my salin-sonogram and it falls on a terrible day. A close friend of mine passed away on Monday, it was very sudden and unexpected and her funeral is also on Friday. The staff at my clinic have been wonderful and have been desperately trying to get me another appt. but have not been successful. So I will have to basically rush out of the funeral to the salin-sono appt. Not ideal...

My friend Kathy was an incredible woman, she was the social worker at my school and was an amazing mentor to me and a support to so many students. The visitation and funeral will be incredibly hard for me  personally and to so many students who will be attending. I will be going with a few former students who were close to her, hoping to lend them some support.

good night my dear Kathy

xxoo

Day 2

Today was a rainy day here...sort of one of those low key don't feel like doing much days.

So guess what I did...no much. Wandered the mall didn't buy anything and went to physio.

For those who don't know within the last six months I have developed a torn meniscus in my right knee, broken my ring finger on my right hand and most recently just got a cast off of my left foot after having broken it. So I am currently in physio for my foot. A necessary part of my life, without it I don't think I would be walking very far.

Tomorrow I am doing my day three ultrasound and blood work and then we head up north. I have not had an ultrasound in over six month so I have to do the usual transvag. and then the full bladder ultrasound. I hate the full bladder especially if you have to wait!!! yikes!

Hubby is also doing blood work tomorrow and bless him he hates having his blood taken, seriously hates it. So I know how rough tomorrow morning is going to be for him.

The pay off for the crummy morning is that we will have four days up north with my family and our puppy dog. YAY!!!!

Enjoy your weekend friends,

xxoo

Day 1

Well today is day 1. So IVF begins....

I have all of my beginning dates booked..

Meeting with Doc, initial ultrasounds and such and then starting Superfact on day 21 of the cycle. I am excited and nervous. Excited because this could finally be our chance at having a baby...this is something we have been looking towards for a long time and now it is here.

I am nervous for MANY reasons. I am nervous of the whole procedure and I am terrified of the retrieval, really terrified. I won't go into all of the reasons I am terrified but as we move along in this process you will hear all about every little fear...all for now.

xxoo

Back to the world of Blogging

That's right I am back.

The last ten months have been wonderful. No appts., no stress about ovulation or that horrible waiting that comes after every ovulation.

I have spent time with my family, enjoyed time with my husband and have spent more time with my friends. I have been happy. I have been living life and loving it!!!

I have learnt that I don't need children to full fill my life.  I now know that if I don't have a child I will be ok, I will not fall apart. I will be happy. This is huge, this is what I needed to know. With this knowledge I can now look to the future and that future is back to the uphill battle of infertility and the world of IVF. Yup the big guns are coming out.

About a week or so ago I looked at my day planner (yes I still use a day planner, how very 1990's of me) and I realized I was not far away from day one of a new cycle (old habits die hard, I still count my cycle days).  The first thought that came to mind was 'now is a good time to start IVF' so there it was after months and months of not being sure I was ready!

With this new confidence I called my IVF nurse and booked an appt. and am now ready to begin the IVF treatment cycle on my upcoming day one, which to be honest is just a few days away.

I have organized myself with a nice binder filled with all the important forms and information and such and know that this will give me at least a little bit of control when my body is being overloaded with hormones and I am otherwise feeling out of control.

Tonight hubby and I were looking through and signing consent forms, all fairly easy choices. One question I do have is regarding assisted hatching for those of you in the IVF world you will know what I mean...I am not well versed in it enough to describe it here but Dr. Google has some good information. Anyways I am not sure it is something we should consent to...so if you have information or an opinion share with me.

Right now hubby is asleep and I am writing this, I tried to sleep but just ended up sitting in bed thinking about what to write here...so here I am. Back and ready to go through this process. I am hoping for the love and support I remember from all of you bloggers out there and look forward to sharing this journey with all of you.

xxoo

Gross

I figured out why I was so exhausted. FOOD POISONING!!! the worst I have ever had. I was not able to sleep at all last night and was really hot...This morning I woke up to go to work and realized my body was rebelling. I went to go the bathroom got so dizzy I fainted smacked my head on my counter and some how injured my shoulder. I some how made it to the toilet...I don't really remeber very well. I have not subsequently spent the next two hours feeling like I was dying. I am not feeling a bit better but still horrible if that can actually make sense.

I feel gross and awful and I am NOT HAPPY

exhausted

I am exhausted. I do not know what is wrong with me...whether it is weather, work or if I am in just need of a day off but OH MY GOD!! I am tired!!!!

This weekend is a busy one..I am getting my puppy which I am so excited about! It is my father in laws 65th birthday and we are going out for dinner and then back to our house to open gifts.

The most difficult thing this weekend will be a baby shower. One of my former students is almost 8 months pregnant, she is 17 and an amazing girl. I adored working with her and can wait to hug her to pieces when I see her. BUT it is a baby shower, I have not been to one of these in a long time. I think I am up for it, I think I can handle it but the idea of being around a teenage girl who is not really prepared to have a baby while I have been struggling for years is not at the top of my to do list.

At least when I come home from the shower I can hug and squeeze my new furbaby. That is something....

Calling all dog lovers

Hi everyone...anyone who is a dog lover or has dogs please follow my new puppy blog. It will be full of stories about Paddy and lots of other stories and tidbits of info!

http://crazydoggydays.blogspot.com/

fur babies

Well the time has arrived we are welcoming a new fur baby to our family! It has been almost four months since we lost our little baby cat Pudding. It has been a long road, we have grieved and have tried to heal and are moving forward.
Next Friday we welcome Paddy to our family. Paddy is a black mini Goldendoodle, he will be 8 weeks old when we welcome him into our home. We are so excited, this is our first puppy! We have been getting our house ready for Puppy. We have a bed, crate, toys and treats. But as we know you can never be ready for a new puppy so we are ready for an adventure. Any of you dog owners out there send me your suggestions, ideas and tips for a new puppy. Below are some pictures of when we went to visit our Paddy.

anxiety

Oh Anxiety...
For whatever reason things are not great, well not really horrible but I am having a rough go of things with my anxiety.
I went to a really interesting seminar this afternoon regarding mood disorders, ADHD and alike. Since I personally have been dealt a hand of anxiety, ADD and a learning disability it was professionally and personally interesting. So with the information fresh in my head and knowing how I have been struggling I went out and got myself a workbook. A cognitive behavioural work book for anxiety. One of my old therapists use to use pages from the same book so I know I am on the right track.
Since I am basically three months away from the start of my first IVF procedure I am going to work hard to get myself emotionally on track just as much as I am working to get myself physically one track.
I know there is no magic formula and I know these mental health issues are things I will always be working on but I feel better knowing I am taking some control.

the month of May

Hello all

Well the month of May it is...I have been doing a lot of thinking and planning and I have decided that the month of May will be the month we start our first IVF treatment. We have looked at money and feel that we should be in a decent position at that time. My parents are willing to help us out so that does take the pressure off. Really the most important thing is that I feel ready for this. I have moved past the fear and am ready to embrace the adventure. I am seeing my IVF specialist on Wednesday and will set up appt. for pap test, blood work and any other tests that need to be done. I am happy and ready to move forward!

feeling fine

I have been taking action. Do things when I want to do them and making no apologies for it. Going to the gym is the biggest thing for me...going and really beginning to enjoy my time there. I actually asked hubby to not come with me when I went since he goes in the morning too...that way it gives me all the time I need for me. When I am done at the gym I reward myself with a Timmies Tea or a steamed milk, I feel so good about myself. Tonight I had Swiss Chalet, yes with fries and because I have been so active surprise, surprise I am not beating myself up.

So with the days approaching I will continue to feel good and do good for me and everyone else.

To much?

So I am sitting here in my bathtub with my iPhone, strange I don't know do other people do this????
My therapist and I have been talking about being true to me letting go of what I think other peoples desires or expectations if me and be true to myself. Harder said than done....my role with family, friends and work has always been the caregiver the listner the person to take the burden from others. It was pointed out to me that this can a bit of an arrogance thinking I need to take the pain from someone else because they are not equipped to handle it, this us true. Until it was said to me I would not have believed it but now I see it is true. so with this new information one of the things I am focusing on. Is my athentic self who am I when I am not looking after others, what are my needs and wNts. Let me tell u not an easy thing to do after 33 years.... So here I sit in the bathtub thinking about this while testing and surfing Facebook.....perhaps it is time to put technology aside for a bit and really ficus on me..

to much

I feel like I have so much I need to say and want to say and am not able to get it down...I am not sure what to say. I have been working hard with my Osteopath and Naturopath and I am pleased with my personal commitment to them and their procedures. However I have so much junk building its self up in me regarding pregnancy and infertility. I want to say so much but am not ready to write I guess. But I am here. I am present in my life and I am working towards my goal.

its a new year

2011 has arrived and with it is talk of resolutions and goals and dreams for each of us.

This year I have decided to not do resolutions and stick with attainable goals.

I plan on continuing down the path of good health and complete the goals I set out for me. This is important since I often start something and then do not follow through to the end.

Over the next year there are many things I want to do.

Things around the home - paint rooms, buy blinds, get a fence, buy a couch to name a few

Things for the family - get a dog, get pregnant, be happy

Things for me - get outside, exercise, go to osteopathy and naturopath apt., eat well, look after myself and be true to who I am and what I want.

A lot of these things cost money and so one of my greatest goals is to be smart with money.
 To not go beyond my means so that our saving will continue to grow.

 We were doing pretty well having most of our debt paid down and a percent of money in savings. Unfortunately when we lost our pudding we lost our money as well because we did everything we could to save him and make his quality of life as good as possible. This has been the toughest blow for me, I lost my cat, my darling fur baby and lost my house and IVF money. I am starting to move forward from this loss. But it sucks.

So yes being smart with my money is a number one goal.

I hope everyone had a good new years I spent mine at home with hubby not feeling well. But it was such a nice night with just us and pepper the rabbit I did not care that I was sick.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!