saying goodbye

Last night our little hamster baby passed away. For those who know me or read me often know that Bella was ill for a long time and that we were giving her medicine twice a day and have been doing so for four months. We buried our little Bella in our front garden and will miss her so much. Love you so much little Bella. Rest in Peace.


Pent up frustration

Hello all. Yes I am frustrated, very frustrated at myself and the world. Lets start with the world.

Ok...when I mean the world I actually mean my book club. I love my book club I do, I love reading and talking about books however what I hate is this. Women talking A LOT about their kids, their kids who are in their 20's!
I know both of these women are divorced and need time to talk and vent and brag but is our book club the appropriate place. NO. Not to me. So basically these women were talking about their children and the inevitable question came up of do I have kids, do I want kids. When I respond that I do want children the response I get is...'no, no you don't' 'They are to much work' ' Don't you like your sleep' and other such horrible statements to say to a infertile woman. I reacted poorly, I must admit that I responded curtly that yes I do want children and that they have no right to say I don't. I realize these women were teasing, I realize they have no idea about my infertility but it hurt and it was rude and it pissed me off. I was so angry I was thinking about dropping out of the book club but later came to my senses. However I will never ever forget how small and inferior and angry those comments made me.

Now on to my personal frustration. Frustration with myself. I know I need to continue to lose weight, I know I need to get to the gym and that these things make me feel good YET I cannot seem to get my ass in gear. I feel like I am stuck, not moving forward and slowly drifting backward. I have a tendency to do well in the beginning of my weight lose and then just lose interest and I will be dammed if I am going to let that happen I just don't know what to do. I know it has to come from within I just wish I could find that part of me again. That passion and energy, to be honest I feel deflated.

So to encourage myself to move towards change I am cutting my hair. I am taking quite a bit off and getting bangs, I am going from long to short and I think it is a good thing. I will post pictures later.

I am also going to the gym today, that is my commitment. Wish me luck.


moving along

Well I have made it through another week. I am exhausted, this bronchitis is kicking my ass and it is making it hard to get through the days. I am happy to be back at work even with this cough. My kids are hilarious and I am so proud of some of the teens who are off to a great start when they had such a rough year last year. Oh course two are suspended already but that is how it goes, LOL.

I am re-evaluating my lifestyle choices. Meaning I am looking at how I am looking after myself, what I am doing for myself to keep me and my future baby healthy and happy.
I am going to start yoga classes again. I have no idea why I stopped, when I am going I feel better, more centered. I know this and yet I let myself get off track and stop going. I have also started seeing a holistic nutritionist. She is wonderful and has fabulous energy and is full of life and knowledge. This week I am doing a 7 week food journal and fill out some paperwork. She really is focused on the whole person and I love this. I am going to get back to the gym once I can actually walk without hacking up a lung. I don't know when that will be but hopefully soon.

I feel like I am taking back some control. My life was so wrapped up in the fertility treatments that I did not realize how much of myself I had lost. I was still seeing friends and spending time with hubby and family and not feeling depressed or sad all the time...but I lost a piece of who I was. I lost my love of nutrition and health and am so looking forward to getting it back :)


My body at war

Yes..it is true..there is a war going on in my body...who will win is yet to be determined. Will it be my horrific cramps that heat, prescription meds cannot heal or will it be the horrific bronchitis I have. I think the bronchitis will win, it will stick around longer and make my body ache a bit more. BUT in the end I will win!! I have just gotten a puffer and cough medicine from the good Doctor and am ready to be healed. A day or three of bed rest in combination with said medicine should do the trick!

Now onto fertility news:
Had our first official meeting with the IVF nurse today...very nice, really liked her. Lovely Lisa I will call her...well Lovely Lisa filled us in on the paperwork, procedure and cost of it all. She told me we were great candidates for IVF and that ICSI will not be needed. She seemed very positive and upbeat about how things will work out. She was wonderfully supportive when we talked about waiting a bit to save money and told us that a session with the therapist is part of the IVF fee which I think is wonderful and will take advantage of. I told her my concern about weight and the possibility of it interfering with the IVF, she told me I was fine and not to worry. Lovely Lisa let me know there was no harm in moderate exercise and healthy eating and continuing to lose a healthy amount of weight up until the IVF procedures. So that is what I will continue to do.
I am feeling good about everything...I am starting to think this is really possible. I could be one of those women who actually gets pregnant. The woman who gets to hold her beautiful baby belly and feel her child move within her. I will proudly tell people that my baby is here because of IVF and that I am grateful for the process that has allowed me to be a mother.

So even though the war continues to wage. I am happy and looking to the future.

Before I go much love and fingers crossed to Amber at Life in the last frontier


sick day

Tomorrow I am taking a sick day...ok, ok. I know it is a holiday and I don't start work until Tuesday but I am taking a sick day from life. I have been battling this cold which is going from bad to worse and I have come to terms with the fact that the only way to get rid of it is to actually take a day off from life and stay in bed. Something I HATE to do. I made hubby promise to keep me settled tomorrow.
It is so bad that tonight I had to leave my sister's and BIL early tonight. They had me and hubby over for dinner for a belated birthday dinner for me and it was so nice. I love spending time with them. They are so kind and so fun I was very angry that I had to leave. By the way Rin I am using my new BLOG present right now!!!!

So now I am home in bed in my PJ's with my computer. I want all my blogger friends out there to know that I love reading your blogs. I am not the biggest commenter but I really truly love to read each and everyone one of you. When you feel joy so do I and when you feel pain I do as well. I want to thank you for being a part of my life.

Now...to rest and to try not and be to bored.


reality v.s JINX

I am at the point of IVF, I know it is not a guarantee. IVF is very expensive and we do not have huge salaries so the amount of money is a pretty big deal. IF IVF does not have a positive result will we try again?? I don't know??? Will we choose to be childless? Will I be ok with that?? 

So here is the current question..... by being realistic by acknowledging that we may not get a BFP am I jinxing us? am I some how accidentally putting it out to the universe that I am ok if we don't get pregnant? But if I am not realistic if I don't think about the what if and what the next steps will be I will be crushed emotionally and unprepared.

I plan on working my ass off to get my body and mind ready for the process of IVF. I recently read a stat that women who have a BMI over 27 are 33% less likely to be successful with IVF. I currently have a BMI of 28.5 so I would love to get it a few points lower than the 27 mark.

sick with a cold and it sucks..talk later


Life is passing on by

School is starting in 5 days, I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and seeing all the teenagers again. For those who don't know...or know me personally here is a quick run down of my job. I work in a self-contained alternative High school program. I work with at risk youth who have not been attending school for various reasons. These kids deal with a variety of issues but mainly poverty, alcohol/drug abuse, learning disabilities and a variety of mental health disabilities. I love my students, our class only takes 10-12 students and they are between the ages of 14-16. They are challenging and fun and I adore them. When I have a bad morning I forget about it within the first 15 minutes of my day. When I was doing IUI and having to go back and forth from work my kids were so worried something was wrong. Their concern was such a big reward.....

Life continues to move forward day by day. I am thinking about my infertility less and less and more about saving money for IVF. It is almost as if I can let the cost of IVF drive me for awhile, the quest for fertility itself can take a backseat. We are meeting with our IVF nurse a week from now. We will find out much more about the process and what our expectations should be. I am still very comfortable waiting until February/March for IVF. It just feels right.
 I am also looking forward to finding a part time job. I am hoping to get a job at Smart Set or Indigo. Of course my family is not as happy about me getting a part time job. My parents have offered to pay for as much as the IVF as needed and don't want me to put myself under the stress of two jobs but I need to feel like I am contributing as much as I can. I feel like it is my body that is not working properly, that can't get pregnant so I need to help pay for that.

Well tomorrow is a PD day so it is a day of meetings. YUCK. but it is what it is.

Later Skaters.