a cold day

Yes it is a cold day....it is windy, cold and snowy...for friends, family and readers who are in warm weather I am very JEALOUS!!!!!!!

So my topic is purusharthas...they are four pillars of life. Dharma (duty, ethics), artha (prosperity, wealth), kama (pleasure), moksha (pursuit of liberation)....To help me focus on me I am going to go through each one on different days....so today is Dharma

What is my role in this world?
I think I have many roles...wife, daughter, sister, friend, student. I am a caregiver for the students I work with and I am a mother...just waiting for a child.

What are my obligations, which ones feel right?
My first reaction is that I have no obligations...but I know that this is not true. I have obligations to my family to be there to support them, I am obligated to keep my house clean and working. I need to go to work and do a good job. I feel obligated to go beyond my job description to support my students..to be honest I feel all of these are right. When I am not doing these things I feel like I am not holding up my end of the bargin in life.

When am I serving the highest good, what am I doing?
The greatest good I can serve is to be a mother I believe that this is why I will get pregnant...because I am meant to help guide another little soul. Currently when I am working with my students is very important. The kids I work with are at risk and in desperate need of support and love. They require guidance it is my honour to work with them.

Am I on the path for the good?
yes, yes, yes. I am working very hard to help my little family grow and I work very hard in my job.

How can I best serve the world around me?
I believe by looking after myself and taking time to practice yoga, go to the gym and trainer and giving myself time I will be a better person for it. I think it allows me to be prepared to meet my obligations and allows me to have the energy to do my job and to prepare for my life as a mother.



Thats right I have won my first blog award!!!
I am so excited, thanks so much to 'type A' for the shout out!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
* Copy the award and place it in your blog.
* Link the person who nominated you for this award.
* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
* Nominate 7 bloggers.
* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

So here are 7 things about me
1. I have celiac disease, which means I cannot eat ANY gluten, or I will get very sick
2. I married my best friend. We had known each other all through highschool and then one day in college POW! fell in love instantly (like Chandler and Monica from friends)
3. One day I hope to be a yoga instructor speicalizing in fertility
4. I work with at risk youth and love the fact that it makes me feel like a teenager everyday
5. I wake up every morning singing a song, it never fails and it is always a different song
6. At Christmas time because I am small (4 11 1/2) and am always smiling children wave and smile at me because they think I am an elf
7. Dispite my size people never realize how small I am. My personality is very big and working with the youth I do I come across larger than I am.

Seven Bloggers I pass this on to








Unfourtunatly....I can't get the picture for the award to work but no matter :D

Power of positive thinking

Yesterday I had a session with my trainer/life coach, who by the way is AMAZING....we spent the hour working on my physical body through pilates and yoga and working on my emotional well being.
During this session we talked a lot about the power of positive thinking. I have always been a believer in fate, I believe things happen for a reason but I never have really bought into the idea that we have control over these things by putting out positive messages. However during these past few months I have found myself reading a lot of sad and negative posts on message boards and blogs and I realized these sometimes brought me down and I was then creating negative energy. I understand the need to vent and be angry but for me it is toxic and so I am now trying to put out and take in positive energy.
I am beginning to see the purpose in putting out positive thought and that it will help you get the results you want and help your soul along the way.
So I searched last night for positive affirmations around fertility and have posted them on my mirror in my bathroom, my car dashboard and my comptuer at work. My hope is that by having these around me I will begin to truley believe these affirmations and positive outcomes will come.
One of my favourite ones I have found is...
I release all my fears and concerns about infertility and I declare myself fertile
I think this is a very powerful message....so often during fertility treatments people refer to themselves as infertile...but in reality if we have eggs and they get released we are in fact fertile. Perhaps by changing our thinking we can help our body reach its full FERTILE potential.
So my goal for the rest of my two week wait is to continue with my power of positive think and repeat my new mantra over and over again. On February 11 I will get a call saying I am pregnant.
Send those positive vibes out for me!


Dr. says.......

Well I had my meeting with my fertility doctor today. All my tests came back positive. Hubby's test came back positive.....this is good news.
We discussed how things were going with all the various medications. I mentioned that the clomid/sereophene was causing lack of fluid. He said with that being an issue than IUI is the best option. It gives the little guys an opportunity to get right ino the tubes with no detours.
I was much calmer about the suggestion of IUI this time, in fact he was so calm and matter of fact that it made it seem like not a huge deal. So with that, if things don't go POSITIVE this cycle (fingers crossed that they do) than we will do up to two cycles of IUI. If....(please, please..no) things don't work out, than we will go back and meet with the Dr. to see what the next steps are.
It is funny once you get use to the fact that having a baby the easy, carefree way is not going to happen, you really get use to all of this stuff. In fact it seems fairly natural to me, having other people involved in the process does not bother me. I actually feel really supported, sort of like I know there are always people there to answer my questions and support me and hubby.
I also did my ultrasound today and yes I HAVE ovulated so now the two week wait begins. My goal is to remain calm and to remain me.


"F" That

So I have been doing some research, as one tends to do when they are in the world of infertility...The reason for this research is that I have noticed that I have gained a few pounds since starting this fertility treatment thing. From all my blog and message board reading it seems that I am not alone. Now the reasons for this weight gain is numerous. First is the medication, yes I can blame the medication for a little bit...the bloating and what not. Plus the hormones being pumped into me can cause crazy chocolate cravings. The second is the stress...I eat when I am stressed that is a fact and this is stressful. So, what do I have to say to this weight gain and the possibility of more weight gain...."F" that!
I refuse to look like a a doughy version of me. I have never been skinny...but I am currently healthy..could lose a little more weight but my doctors are happy and so am I. So to stop this crisis and yes for me..someone who has struggled their whole life with weight it is a ciris. I have gotten my butt back into gear and back to the gym. To go to the gym I need to feel good so I am going to invest in some new workout clothes. I don't want my fertility treatments to change who I am or what my goals are....


Friday nights

I love Friday nights....I love knowing that I have worked hard and earned two days of rest.
Today my ovaries hurt...giving me pain on both sides. That is hopefully a good thing, hopefully that means that there are lots of little follies in there doing their thing.
I start my ultrasounds tomorrow so I will find out for sure.
I am feeling pretty good right now, I went to my trainer on Wednesday and it reminded me that I like to move my body and that it is better for me. I am starting yoga on Monday nights, a gentle and relaxing yoga. This will be good for me, my mind and body.  My goal now is to get walking more, I am afraid to run..I don't want to really....it will stress me out. SO, I will walk and walk and walk. I will walk on an incline and keep moving best I can.
Alright off to more relaxation and a cup of tea :D


All Clear!

HSG was done today. The good news is, ALL CLEAR!!!!! This means that my tubes are not blocked or any other crummy things. This is very good news. It makes me happy and hopeful knowing beside time, destiny and cervical fluid there is nothing major standing in our way.
Now, for the record this whole HSG experience sucked. It is essentially an ex-ray of your uterus and tubes. It hurts and feels very strange. The only cool thing about it was that I got to watch the dye go in and spread around my healthy uterus. I have an appt. with my doctor to discuss all the outcomes of my tests and to plan what next steps will be for next cycle, that is if I don't get pregnant this cycle.
I finished my clomid yesterday so that is good. Hopefully weird dreams will stop. I also picked up my B6 vitamins and some Robitussin to help my cervical fluid :D
Tonight I am hanging out at home by myself. John is off at a class. My kitty cat Pudding is sitting very close next to me, he is my caretaker, especially when John is away. There is nothing better than an animal to give you unconditional love and to give you snuggles in the middle of the night when you need them.
cats rock.


when the going gets tough

Some days are hard....really hard. Some days I feel so down I just want to cry. Every time someone says 'relax and it will happen' or tells me tales of their pregnancy and tells me they understand I want to hit them. I am not a violent person, but trust me, catch me on the wrong day and it could happen.
I am currently taking Clomid it is making me pretty emotional and needy. Sucks.



My Stats

In the world of infertility there are stats that we all follow by. Below you will find mine.

3yrs. of trying to conceive - Naturopath intervention
1yr. of 'not trying and it will happen' no results
Fertility clinic intervention
1st. round 50 mg. clomid
2 follies
HCG shot
two weeks progesterone
normal sono
BFN (big fat negative)
2nd. round 50 mg. clomid
waiting on HSG.....

It is so strange having it written out, seeing all our trials on display. In a way I like it, it reminds me of where I came from and where I am headed. A reminder of that their are still many roads and twist and turns out their to try

Looking to the future.


day three - cycle two

Today was the official beginning of cycle two. We waited a long time today. It was very busy. We were there for about 2 1/2 hours, a long wait. In our meeting with the Doctor I let her know I was concerned about the lack of cervical fluid on the clomid....this is actually a pretty common thing. The issue is you need cervical fluid to escort those little sperms on their way to the big apple. The doctor very casually mentioned that if cervical fluid is an issue than perhaps insemination is the way to go. HOLD ON!!!! Did she say insemination! I smiled polity but in my head I was screaming! I was only suppose to need cycle monitoring and a little medication.

I went home had something to eat, got in the shower and practically threw up. Was I really ready to step into that world....the world of IUI, IVF....I don't know if I am. I have done a little research and I know that IUI is not that expensive...it is not really that invasive....

IUI is a process where they take the sperm from my darling man and insert into the uterus...no petri dish....just putting the little guys in the right place and at what we would hope would be the right time.

Lets see what happens with cycle two, perhaps there is no need to even think about cycle three and IUI. Fingers crossed!



Well it is Friday, thank GOODNESS!!!!
It has been quite a week, emotionally and physically draining. I am looking forward to a week of relaxing. I actually am going to be going mattress shopping. I have been having horrible back pain, lower back pain and could not figure out what was wrong. After seeing both my massage therapist and Chiropractor, discussing the fact that I have a cheap 11 year old mattress.....we have decided it is the mattress causing me the pain and I need a new one. So we are off to shop tomorrow! Hopefully we will find something :D
Tomorrow I start my ultrasound blood work marathon again,the great thing is that I have done it once now so I know what to expect...I am not a newbie anymore. It is funny you sort of feel like you are part of a special club, everyone is there for the same reason. It is kind of a cool thing.
I am going out for coffee with a friend soon, it will be good. Always good to just have a good girls chat. Later Skater.


Cycle two comes in with a BANG!

So today is my first day of cycle two, really that means the first day of my period. Now I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I often get BAD cramps but my goodness! This morning was BAD! No spotting, no lead up just BANG! Needless to say with the pain and the medication I did not go to work today.
With the next cycle beginning I have book the appropriate appt. and I am mentally preparing my self for the next 31 days. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!


How blessed am I

Well I have changed my blog colour scheme and set up...I think I like it.
I am feeling more like myself today, it helps that I have an amazing group of people in my life. Wonderful friends who are full of kind messages and thoughts and prayers. These are the things that make me think, yes, this will happen. With so many wonderful people behind you how can you NOT think that!
This cycle I am going to try and get more exercise, I really went "off the rails" last cycle, I think it was because it was all new. So I am going to make sure I get to the gym and do lots of walking, probaly not running cause it will freak me out. I will also continue with my weight training, I don't do heavy weights but enough to make me feel strong. I will also do my yoga, I love it, why did I stop??
I know what else I want to do, eat more fruit. I have been craving pineapple like crazy so I am going to make sure that when I am feeling a craving for something healthy I am going to get it. Of course when I am craving something unhealthy I will think twice and then maybe get it. A girl has to give in sometime :D


negative news

Yes it is true....the test came back negative...no baby for us this cycle.
I got the phone call at work and found it hard to hold it together for the first 20 minutes or so....sent off an email to John, my mom and my sister, a text to my cousins to let them know the news...shed about half a tear and then got back to work.
All I have been able to think of is how do they do it? How do other women who have been going through this for years keep going? How long will I keep going? How long will it take? I mean at this point there seems to be nothing seriously wrong so it shouldn't be that bad, should it? Besides these, what I feel are very normal thoughts I am looking to the future. I will go off the progesterone let my period come and start all over...although I should really get myself some annaprox or it could be rough.
I am putting myself on a ban, no baby Internet searching of any kind. Unless it is for my cousin :D Although I won't be to hard on myself if I slip up. Tonight luckily enough I have a massage scheduled, good timing huh? Then John and I will get a bite of dinner somewhere.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Waiting game

Here I am sitting in the classroom on lunch break waiting....I was in and out this morning which was great, I wasn't even late for work :D They took my cell number down so they should call on this line....Now I am just passing the time.
It is snowing out which is nice, not enough to cause problems but enough to make you feel cozy inside....You know what is weird? I think I have a Urinary tract infection! gross, like I need that right now...oh well....waiting continues.


Monday, Monday......

Tomorrow is Monday...it is 'test day' I go in around 730 in the morning do my blood work and wait....I don't know what the results will be, I am positive and so is John but we are also very new at this and are very optimistic people...so it really is a waiting game.
I also don't know how soon I will be back to writing....I guess it will depend on the results and my mood.....I do know that I have wonderful friends and family who are incredibly supportive and the text messages mean the world to me...really. On the flip side :D


to make it even more complicated....

Well I have been doing some research....not on pregnancy symptoms, I have kept that promise. But on progesterone and the possible delay of your period. What I have learnt is this...typically progesterone supplements delay your period and only when you stop taking them do you, 3-5 days later, get your little friend. This makes it even more impossible to know....Which means I really do have to wait for the blood test and that phone call means A LOT!!!!!!!!
Gosh it really is a mind game this infertility thing.



I suck at waiting, I am very patient when it comes to people but for things happening directly to me.....I am no good at waiting.
I am in the two week waiting period, waiting to see if every little twinge or cramp that comes along means period or pregnancy...waiting to see if we will be disappointed or excited. I am on day 28, a day my period often comes...but I also can go as long as day 32...so I wait.
I have made a promise to myself that I will no longer use Dr. Google to look up pregnancy symptoms and signs...because Dr. Google will always make you think you are pregnant and that is just unhealthy. On Monday, day 31, I go for a blood test...that will determine whether or not our dreams have come true this cycle...so really I just have to get through the weekend trying not to obsess like crazy, good thing John is good at distracting me :D
I am very grateful to have Johnboy in my life...he is my rock and my best Friend. He will hold me when I need it and can make me laugh like no other. He will make a wonderful father.
So I am off to wait, think good thoughts for me!


first day back at work

To start, I found my camera, it is at my cousins house. Thanks goodness I thought all my Christmas memories were lost.
Today was the first day back to work....working in a school you can really see the reflection of your mood in the students. Pretty much everyone, staff and students were happy to be back but were tired and were having a hard time convincing themselves it was a good thing that they were back to school
I continue to have on and off again cramps and am feeling overall downtrodden.....I am starting to prepare myself for what I will feel when and if I have to start cycle two of this process. I imagine I will feel guilt, that is a common emotion for me in this world of infertility. I feel so bad that my body just does not like to do the right thing at the right time....I just want to be able to tell John that yes we are going to have a baby and make that phone call to my mom. Of course the other standout emotion would be sadness. The good thing is I am a pretty resilient lady and will just get back on track. If cycle two does come around it will be interesting trying to balance all the meds and ultrasounds around school...I will have to make sure I look after myself and not rush around like a crazy woman.
A close friend of me told me that she felt I was very brave going public with my blog...I had never though about it...I find this process very cathartic, it allows me to vent and just ramble and know that those I care about and however else can read this and know how I am feeling and where I am at day by day or week by week. Braveness is a big compliment in my book so thank you.


better days

Today watching Lord of the Rings, sitting in my family room with John and Pudding and watching the snow fall I am grateful. I look around my home and see all of the wonderful things that are ours and I remember how lucky I am. From the good food I can bring to my table to the clothes in my closet....

With all this I think of my life with a child, I hope that I will some day soon be able to bring a child into this home. to raise them to as grateful as I am and to see all the wonders this world has to offer. Even with cramps I am hopeful and try to focus on the positive. Today I will enjoy my home, my small family and the snow.



Yup, am feeling crummy today....I have these infrequent pains that are sort of like cramps and could be cramps but of course they could be cramps from possible pregnancy or possible period...With that I am feeling really low energy and weepy. Yuck.
I am going to try and focus on the positive and not the crumminess. My 'little' cat Pudding is wonderful he just sits with me and expects nothing...John is great too but he can get a little confused by my moods but hey so can I! Tonight I am going grocery shopping and plan to eat well this week....we are also going to watch Lord of the Rings Two Towers I can be sacred and have a good cry all at the same time. I enjoy that.
Oh I also lost my camera...I think it is at my cousins house...I hope it is there if not all my holiday pictures are going :( John to me not to worry, but hey, worrying is one of the things I do best ;)


New Year!

Well it is 2010! Happy New Year to you all! This year of course like everyone else I have dreams, hopes and goals for myself....Some of the more important ones are these
1.Get pregnant
2.Have a healthy pregnancy and enjoy being pregnant
3. Have a healthy and wonderful child
Now I am sure these first three are not a surprise..here are a few more
4.Have more dinner parties....I actually really like doing them
5. Paint rooms in my house, I hate how everything is the same colour.
6.Watch my talented brother in law get a great job in education!
7.Practice good etiquette

As for today I plan on starting my New Year by cleaning up a bit around the house and just enjoying the day with John. I was out at my cousins house last night to ring in the New Year and had a great time, got home a little late so I plan on just enjoying a lazy day.

As for the adventure things are going...I am in a waiting phase...just keep taking progesterone and see....although I am having the craziest dreams! So real and very strange.....Amazing what hormones can do to a body :D