12/29/2010

caved

Ok I caved...I had cheese sitting in the fridge from last nights dinner it was a really good kind. Brie with goat cheese in the centre from Quebec. It was sitting in the fridge calling me. Hubby is upstairs sick with the flu,  I am not feeling great and my period is approaching and so yes I caved. I finished the cheese, yes I finished and I don't even feel gross or horrible. So it is gone and I am officially free of cheese. Won't bring any more into my house :)

Off to relax and look after hubby.

12/28/2010

Cheese

Oh Cheese how I love you. You are delicious and comforting and yet you are my enemy. I have been eating cheese for the past 24 hours with pretty much every meal. As a celiac (severe gluten intolerance) cheese is almost as bad as gluten, my tummy is bloated and unhappy but damn it tasted good!
So with 2011 approaching I say goodbye to my friend delicious tasty cheese and welcome in a happier less bloated tummy.

12/27/2010

Ferocious

2011 is approaching fast. It is days away and I am looking forward to it. I loved 2010 it was a whirlwind of emotions and learning. I have learnt that my body is more stubborn than I thought, I have also learnt that I am much stronger and have more perseverance than I thought. So with this in mind I am approaching 2011 with ferociousness. It will be the year of ferocity. I will get what I want and I will not make apologies for my desires or needs. I will go forth and be healthy and happy and of course I will be a mother by the end of 2011!

12/24/2010

Merry Christmas

Well my friends Christmas is here and I plan to enjoy it fully. I wanted to take the time to wish you all a Merry Christmas and to thank you for all of your support over this past year. I wish you all the best for this holiday season and may love and hope shine down on you all.

many hugs.
lisa

12/22/2010

tip toe

I am tip toeing through life right now, trying to figure out where I want to be and what I want to be. So really this post is more for me than anyone to help me focus but feel free to read .

I have recently started seeing an osteopath and a naturopath/psychotherapist. They are wonderful, really wonderful. Both women specialize in working with women who deal with infertility. They both seem very hopeful and positive about the fact that my diagnosis is unexplained infertility, this gives them hope. In turn it gives me hope. Hope that with physical and psychotherapy intervention that maybe just maybe I will get pregnant sooner rather than later. The goal is to get my body back on track, to help me get as healthy as possible and to begin actively trying to get pregnant through natural means with these supports. If the time comes for us to move forward with IVF in late spring then they will help me through that to achieve pregnancy!

My homework from my naturotherapist (as I will call her) is to write on two different subjects.
1. my fears, expectations, ideas and thoughts on pregnancy and what that means to me as a woman and a wife.
2. sexuality and how it affects my well being and life. Part of this is because the second chakra is based on sexuality, creativity and if it is blocked a side effect is infertility.

I am hoping that by seeing my osteopath I will begin to have more energy and then in turn start exercising more. My vitality is low/slow so it is no wonder I always feel like I am dragging. As she said I am much to young to feel like I am dragging my butt around all the time. That is a sign that something is out of whack.

My class continues to be wonderful, they help me to love myself. They help me to feel special and I am forever grateful for that.

The holidays are here and I am excited. I love the holidays and am looking forward to five days of family fun. I love my family and the time I spend with them rejuvenates me.

Well that is it for now. I am sure there is much more where this has come from....

much love and hugs.

12/11/2010

Saturday Night

It is a Saturday night and I am home with my Hubby. Pepper my classroom rabbit lives with us now. I take him to school  with me most days in his little pet escort. The teenagers adore him he snuggles with them and gives them lots to smile about. I love this little rabbit, since the loss of my Pudding cat he has help to fill a void and I am forever grateful for this little soul in my life.

It is only one week until the holidays and I am looking forward to the two weeks off. Time with family and home with my hubby. He is so important to me and I cannot explain how much our time together means to me. I am grateful for him and his love that he has chosen to give to me.

I love you John.

12/08/2010

So funny I had to share.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary


8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

                                                     (courtesy of google images)







.

12/06/2010

i will be fine

If the day comes and I am not able to hold a baby in my arms I will be fine. I will cry and rant and beg and pray but I will be fine. I will hold my husband I will apologize to everyone close to me but I will be fine.
I will move forward with my life, I will travel and have lots of animals. Savour my time with my hubby and family and friends. I will realize this is the plan for me. The way it is meant to be. I will forever be changed.
I know I will also wonder what if, I will be sad someday and angry other days. But I will carry on, I will be fine.

12/05/2010

My Fears

I have many fears..some are fertility related some are just life related. I figure to expunge myself of them I will write them down..So get ready..a list of my fears in no particular order

  • I will not get pregnant
  • I will not get pregnant and never be able to comes to terms with it
  • I will not get pregnant and I will be one of those women is always sad and resents other women's happiness
  • I will never have enough in savings
  • I won't fulfill my dreams
  • those last 15 pounds will haunt me forever
  • I will dye alone
  • I will live a life of unimportance. I will go unnoticed.
  • I will not climb the mountains I want to climb...literally
  • I will hold my husband back from things he wants to do
  • I won't provide my family with the grandchild they so want
  • that I will live my life in fear
So there you go...I realize some of these things are silly fears but most of them are valid and very real to me.

With this list down I will continue to face the world with a brave face and smile.

11/27/2010

the fog is clearing

I have been so depressed. So horribly depressed. Losing my cat Pudding was not just a loss of my little boy who I loved with all my heart but a reminder of how empty life can be. When we lost him all of the infertility pain came back...the hurt and the pain of it all. But now slowly I am coming back. I am seeing the light.

I did see my new counselor and it was horrible. She was understanding and all that jazz that therapists are suppose to be but her experience in the world of infertility sucks. In fact she actually said my most hated phrase....'if you relax it may happen for you' WHAT SERIOUSLY! yes, she said that. It took all my will power to not say fuck you and walk out. But I didn't. I held my cool and nodded and tried to politely explain that it does not work that way. I will not be going back and am saddened by the experience as most of my experience with therapists have been positive. However it did help to realize how much infertility is a part of my depression and that I need to find someone who has experience and knowledge in this field.

So with the light shinning on me again I can feel my face lifting. I am making my way out of the fog and am looking forward to a fabulous holiday season.

11/17/2010

winning the war

The battle lines are set and I am winning. I am taking control and not getting pulled into that little monsters game. Recent strategies have been.....a day light that I bought at Costco, it is small and sits on my desk and I LOVE IT!! This is such an amazing little invention. For anyone who suffers from Seasonal depression get one, they make all the difference. The second thing I did was cut my hair. short. and dyed it dark.  It was such a release to cut it..honestly I could have shaved it all off at the time it was so freeing. here is a pic. don't 'mind the bathrobe.
So I am moving and fighting. I am going away for the weekend with my friends shopping and I have my first counselling apt. so. look on monster I am on a roll.

11/14/2010

little gray monster

There is a little gray monster that lives in me. He usually stays behind closed doors and does not come out and play but when life gets to difficult he cannot be contained.
He is responsible for pulling the sides of my mouth down so they feel like they are in a permanent frown, he is the one who tells me I am ugly when I look in the mirror. This little monster is the one who makes me feel like an empty shell.
In the past I have ingorned this little man and let myself fall deeper and deeper into his games and had a very difficult time getting back. But now I am older and wiser and recognize when he is coming around and refuse to fall back into old habits of permanent sadness. So I up my medication and I go and talk to someone. I try and be grateful for what I have and hope and pray that the little gray monster will go back into his hidey hole and not come out and play again.

11/11/2010

intentions

Intention my intentions I do not follow through with my intentions i hate it. Makes me feel like crap. I need to follow through. I need to not wallow. I hate myself tonight and that sucks.

11/04/2010

my heart is breaking

Our little boy Pudding passed away last night. We lost him to heart failure. Hubby and I were with him at the end patting him and telling him how much we love him. My heart is breaking, shattering. We have had him for 10 years and he is our life. We have been trying to have a baby for years and Pudding has literally become our baby...it just hurts so much. To wander my house and not see him....to have to figure out what to do with his things...I have put his food bowl away, that is a start but it is going to be a long painful process. Keep us in your prayers.

On Halloween, his favourite holiday - four days before we lost him.

10/29/2010

new blog

Hey there folks! I am writing a new blog that I would love for you all to check out and follow. It is about the books that I am reading and my love for them. So if you love to read check it out and follow :)
Of course this is a new blog so there is not much there but there is more to come. www.lovelyliterature.blogspot.com

10/22/2010

mixed emotions

Today is a day of mixed emotions for me. To start I am still in the self loathing place about weight loss. I feel generally great about myself in every other aspect of my life but my darn weight is a forever issue. I am still up the two pounds still not moving forward. It is frustrating and makes me want to scream. This morning I spent a few minutes just looking at myself in the mirror trying not to say mean things. Bummer.

To get myself in gear I am trying to figure out what activity makes me happy. What do I actually LIKE to do so that I can stay active. I have discovered with absolute certainty that I like to walk. Walking on the treadmill is meh. But walking outside I love, hiking in nature I love more. So there it is I am not a runner (although I don't mind it) I am not a gym rat. I do enjoy biking but I AM a walker. So walk I will.

This afternoon we celebrated a students birthday..she is turning 16 and really wanted a cake. So I bought her a cake and we had it as a class, everyone was happy and we were smart to do it at the end of the day so the sugar high would hit them once they left. When I asked her if she was having cake at home as well she said no. Her family could not afford a cake for her. She said it so factually with no emotion. It is just a part of her life.

I am happy I am part of her life to provide her with a little something extra on days like today. Happy Birthday Keara.

10/19/2010

do you ever wonder

Remember when you were little people would ask you. What do you want to be when you grow up. I never knew the answer to that, it would change almost every time someone asked me.
Why do we stop asking that. Why do stop asking adults what they want to be? Is it because when we have found a career it is assumed or expected that it will be our path for life. Do we feel that a belief  in trying something different is juvenile, irresponsible and for dreamers. I don't know that answer to this but I do know that I keep dreaming.
 I have so many things I want to do still. Things I would love to be. I want to learn to be a yoga teacher and a trail guide (hiking guide) I want to get my wilderness first aid. I would love to be  a writer. A real writer which to me is a paid job. I want to travel and climb a mountain. I believe I can do all these things and more. But here is the thing the really big thing that people may smirk at...I want to do and learn to do all these things while being a mother. Difficult. yes. Impossible NEVER!
Dream well my friends.

10/11/2010

thankful

This weekend is thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I have much to be thankful for. I feel very blessed for my family, husband and friends. The ability to own a home and a car. To buy groceries when I need them and to enjoy things like going to the movie theatre. I am grateful for these things. I am thankful for my ability to move forward in my life. The fact that I am able to separate myself from my infertility and that I know that by this time next year I will be carrying a child. Of this I am sure.
thank you universe.

10/05/2010

no longer crushing

Sitting here in bed feeling like crap. Today I started my period and have cramps from hell that have haunted me for years. This is the first time in a long time that having my period has not crushed me..no expectations no disappointment just a natural part of a ladies life. It feels nice to not have all those emotions attached.
I don't really have much to say, I have been reading you all and am keeping up to date with all of your fertility news I just don't have any to report myself.
In my life right now it is about work, which I love and family, and I am ok with that. I look forward to the future but am satisfied with life as it stands now.
This is a good thing.

9/26/2010

saying goodbye

Last night our little hamster baby passed away. For those who know me or read me often know that Bella was ill for a long time and that we were giving her medicine twice a day and have been doing so for four months. We buried our little Bella in our front garden and will miss her so much. Love you so much little Bella. Rest in Peace.

9/25/2010

Pent up frustration

Hello all. Yes I am frustrated, very frustrated at myself and the world. Lets start with the world.

Ok...when I mean the world I actually mean my book club. I love my book club I do, I love reading and talking about books however what I hate is this. Women talking A LOT about their kids, their kids who are in their 20's!
I know both of these women are divorced and need time to talk and vent and brag but is our book club the appropriate place. NO. Not to me. So basically these women were talking about their children and the inevitable question came up of do I have kids, do I want kids. When I respond that I do want children the response I get is...'no, no you don't' 'They are to much work' ' Don't you like your sleep' and other such horrible statements to say to a infertile woman. I reacted poorly, I must admit that I responded curtly that yes I do want children and that they have no right to say I don't. I realize these women were teasing, I realize they have no idea about my infertility but it hurt and it was rude and it pissed me off. I was so angry I was thinking about dropping out of the book club but later came to my senses. However I will never ever forget how small and inferior and angry those comments made me.

Now on to my personal frustration. Frustration with myself. I know I need to continue to lose weight, I know I need to get to the gym and that these things make me feel good YET I cannot seem to get my ass in gear. I feel like I am stuck, not moving forward and slowly drifting backward. I have a tendency to do well in the beginning of my weight lose and then just lose interest and I will be dammed if I am going to let that happen I just don't know what to do. I know it has to come from within I just wish I could find that part of me again. That passion and energy, to be honest I feel deflated.

So to encourage myself to move towards change I am cutting my hair. I am taking quite a bit off and getting bangs, I am going from long to short and I think it is a good thing. I will post pictures later.

I am also going to the gym today, that is my commitment. Wish me luck.

9/17/2010

moving along

Well I have made it through another week. I am exhausted, this bronchitis is kicking my ass and it is making it hard to get through the days. I am happy to be back at work even with this cough. My kids are hilarious and I am so proud of some of the teens who are off to a great start when they had such a rough year last year. Oh course two are suspended already but that is how it goes, LOL.

I am re-evaluating my lifestyle choices. Meaning I am looking at how I am looking after myself, what I am doing for myself to keep me and my future baby healthy and happy.
I am going to start yoga classes again. I have no idea why I stopped, when I am going I feel better, more centered. I know this and yet I let myself get off track and stop going. I have also started seeing a holistic nutritionist. She is wonderful and has fabulous energy and is full of life and knowledge. This week I am doing a 7 week food journal and fill out some paperwork. She really is focused on the whole person and I love this. I am going to get back to the gym once I can actually walk without hacking up a lung. I don't know when that will be but hopefully soon.

I feel like I am taking back some control. My life was so wrapped up in the fertility treatments that I did not realize how much of myself I had lost. I was still seeing friends and spending time with hubby and family and not feeling depressed or sad all the time...but I lost a piece of who I was. I lost my love of nutrition and health and am so looking forward to getting it back :)

9/09/2010

My body at war

Yes..it is true..there is a war going on in my body...who will win is yet to be determined. Will it be my horrific cramps that heat, prescription meds cannot heal or will it be the horrific bronchitis I have. I think the bronchitis will win, it will stick around longer and make my body ache a bit more. BUT in the end I will win!! I have just gotten a puffer and cough medicine from the good Doctor and am ready to be healed. A day or three of bed rest in combination with said medicine should do the trick!

Now onto fertility news:
Had our first official meeting with the IVF nurse today...very nice, really liked her. Lovely Lisa I will call her...well Lovely Lisa filled us in on the paperwork, procedure and cost of it all. She told me we were great candidates for IVF and that ICSI will not be needed. She seemed very positive and upbeat about how things will work out. She was wonderfully supportive when we talked about waiting a bit to save money and told us that a session with the therapist is part of the IVF fee which I think is wonderful and will take advantage of. I told her my concern about weight and the possibility of it interfering with the IVF, she told me I was fine and not to worry. Lovely Lisa let me know there was no harm in moderate exercise and healthy eating and continuing to lose a healthy amount of weight up until the IVF procedures. So that is what I will continue to do.
I am feeling good about everything...I am starting to think this is really possible. I could be one of those women who actually gets pregnant. The woman who gets to hold her beautiful baby belly and feel her child move within her. I will proudly tell people that my baby is here because of IVF and that I am grateful for the process that has allowed me to be a mother.

So even though the war continues to wage. I am happy and looking to the future.

Before I go much love and fingers crossed to Amber at Life in the last frontier

9/05/2010

sick day


Tomorrow I am taking a sick day...ok, ok. I know it is a holiday and I don't start work until Tuesday but I am taking a sick day from life. I have been battling this cold which is going from bad to worse and I have come to terms with the fact that the only way to get rid of it is to actually take a day off from life and stay in bed. Something I HATE to do. I made hubby promise to keep me settled tomorrow.
It is so bad that tonight I had to leave my sister's and BIL early tonight. They had me and hubby over for dinner for a belated birthday dinner for me and it was so nice. I love spending time with them. They are so kind and so fun I was very angry that I had to leave. By the way Rin I am using my new BLOG present right now!!!!

So now I am home in bed in my PJ's with my computer. I want all my blogger friends out there to know that I love reading your blogs. I am not the biggest commenter but I really truly love to read each and everyone one of you. When you feel joy so do I and when you feel pain I do as well. I want to thank you for being a part of my life.

Now...to rest and to try not and be to bored.

9/04/2010

reality v.s JINX

I am at the point of IVF, I know it is not a guarantee. IVF is very expensive and we do not have huge salaries so the amount of money is a pretty big deal. IF IVF does not have a positive result will we try again?? I don't know??? Will we choose to be childless? Will I be ok with that?? 

So here is the current question..... by being realistic by acknowledging that we may not get a BFP am I jinxing us? am I some how accidentally putting it out to the universe that I am ok if we don't get pregnant? But if I am not realistic if I don't think about the what if and what the next steps will be I will be crushed emotionally and unprepared.

I plan on working my ass off to get my body and mind ready for the process of IVF. I recently read a stat that women who have a BMI over 27 are 33% less likely to be successful with IVF. I currently have a BMI of 28.5 so I would love to get it a few points lower than the 27 mark.

sick with a cold and it sucks..talk later

9/01/2010

Life is passing on by

School is starting in 5 days, I am looking forward to getting back into a routine and seeing all the teenagers again. For those who don't know...or know me personally here is a quick run down of my job. I work in a self-contained alternative High school program. I work with at risk youth who have not been attending school for various reasons. These kids deal with a variety of issues but mainly poverty, alcohol/drug abuse, learning disabilities and a variety of mental health disabilities. I love my students, our class only takes 10-12 students and they are between the ages of 14-16. They are challenging and fun and I adore them. When I have a bad morning I forget about it within the first 15 minutes of my day. When I was doing IUI and having to go back and forth from work my kids were so worried something was wrong. Their concern was such a big reward.....

Life continues to move forward day by day. I am thinking about my infertility less and less and more about saving money for IVF. It is almost as if I can let the cost of IVF drive me for awhile, the quest for fertility itself can take a backseat. We are meeting with our IVF nurse a week from now. We will find out much more about the process and what our expectations should be. I am still very comfortable waiting until February/March for IVF. It just feels right.
 I am also looking forward to finding a part time job. I am hoping to get a job at Smart Set or Indigo. Of course my family is not as happy about me getting a part time job. My parents have offered to pay for as much as the IVF as needed and don't want me to put myself under the stress of two jobs but I need to feel like I am contributing as much as I can. I feel like it is my body that is not working properly, that can't get pregnant so I need to help pay for that.

Well tomorrow is a PD day so it is a day of meetings. YUCK. but it is what it is.

Later Skaters.

8/26/2010

new in the world

Hello all...well things in my world are going smoothly...School is starting soon so I am going to enjoy my last few days of freedom. I am looking forward to going back..seeing the kids and getting back into a routine.

My world of IVF continues...we are going to wait until February/March for sure and are going to save like crazy people. I am going to get a second job - part/time to help cover off some of the costs. It will make me feel like I am being proactive. I am still trying to lose weight to help me body prepare for pregnancy...I have hit a plateau and am frustrated but plan on persevering, I refuse to let myself stay in this spot or fall back. I must move forward.

As for Bella the hamster, she is good..really good. She is still on her medication and looks like she is feeling pretty good.

That's about it. Later skaters.

8/23/2010

monday, monday

Good Morning

Well I am up much earlier than I would like to be on a Monday that is my summer vacation but here I am....had to drive Hubby to the car shop to get the car looked at and then onto his work. I am back at home now but still feeling that groggy sleep feeling that comes from rolling out of bed into your car without washing your face or putting on deodorant.

I have curly hair...so what you think. Well I never had curly hair before! I have always had wavy hair, thick wavy hair but since I began fertility treatments and have had a variety of hormones pushed through my body my hair has sprung out of control!!!! I got a hair cut a few days ago to help tame it and now love it!!!!!!!

Yesterday I also realized how much I love being an aunt. Dealing with infertility has made it difficult in the past. I had trouble getting past the sadness and jealousy that she was not mine...that I did not have a child. Well I still might find myself in that dark place every now and again but I no longer wallow in it. I enjoy my time with my niece and love watching Hubby with her. She is a fab little girl who's giggle will melt your heart. No matter where my path takes me I know I will be a frickin fabulous aunt. That counts for something.

8/21/2010

change is in the air....

To begin it is clear the 30 day blog challenge was a fail for me. Although it did serve its purpose at the time...it kept me preoccupied.

Yesterday I turned 33 I had a wonderful birthday, went to Stratford with Hubby saw Evita. I also got my hair done...it was pretty long and needed to be cut so I got about 2/3 inches off some new colour in and I feel great. Overall and fab birthday.

Now for the real news. We went to see our doctor last week to see where we stand after four IUI's with great sperm and eggs. He informed us that we have unexplained infertility...my PCOS is no mild it is non existent. I respond great to meds and get results that most women need much more expensive meds to get. Hubby's sperm look great, wonderful in fact. So the explanation is that there is no real explanation. Unexplained Infertility. Shit.
With that diagnosis on the table Doctor told us that doing more IUI will continue with a negative result and that we should prepare to move onto IVF. YUP!!! The big guns.
We have our meeting with the IVF nurse in September along with a information night. At first we thought we would go right ahead with IVF in October...but then I had a major panic attack and realized I was not ready for the assault on my body that is IVF. PLUS the cost, damn, expensive. So we have made our decision. Take a break, about 6 months. In February/March we will begin the process. This will allow us time to save money and to mentally and physically prepare for what is ahead. I am looking forward to meeting with the nurse to find out all the details to give me lots to research over the next 6 months. I am also looking forward to some time where I can do things for me...to be a little selfish for a little while.

So that is all....who knows where this long road will lead us but I am looking forward to it.

8/12/2010

ok..real update

So this past cycle I have not been writing about my fertility treatments...I needed a break from everybody knowing where I was medically.  As I have said before this is an open blog to family and friends as well as all of you so I needed some space.

To start..the result of this cycle was negative. Hearbreakingly negative.

We did IUI again this cycle it was our fourth round, we had five eggs and over one million sperm...good odds :)
No result though. This is so freakin frustrating!!!!! I am starting to get really worried..what happens if this doesn't work, what happens if this really is not in the cards for us!!!! To help calm my worries we are going to see my specialist on Tuesday to see if there is more testing that we can do and what our next steps will be. Change in medication perhaps?? I am not really sure. Hopefully after Tuesday it will be clearer.

It is strange I know I should feel like my heart is ripped out and don't get me wrong I feel pretty crappy but not as horrible as I think others might. I don't know if this is my minds way of protecting its self or perhaps it is my confidence that no matter what..no matter how many times it takes we will have our baby.

It feels good letting you all know where I am with this and to be honest and open as usual. I am taking a break...a real break this cycle. I need space from all the hormones and have roughly 27 days just for me and hubby. 

Who knows...maybe we will rock it naturally!

8/11/2010

hobby

Before I begin with the 30 day blog post. I want to give an update on Bella...she is well the same. She seems happy she is sleeping a lot but is still loving her snuggles and so we are at a stand still. My goal is to let her live her natural life...I hope we can. Thank you for those who left comments they brought me to tears, literally. The support from this community is amazing.

As for my hobby.

Well I have many hobbies...many things I like to do. So I will choose two.

1. Reading..I LOVE to read...crazy for reading. In fact I am joining a book club this September!!!  So exciting.

2. Scrap booking...love it. Simply love it.

As for fertility. I am doing pretty good...I promise and 'real' update is to come soon...I am still needing some time.....

hugs.

8/10/2010

confusion of an animal lover...

For all of you animal lovers and pet owners out there I think you will understand this post...

As you know my hamster Bella has been quite sick. She has an infection somewhere that they could maybe find through surgery but there is no guarantee...so she is on medicine. One of the things that comes along with this infection is abscesses and an increase in difficulty in her sinuses...so her breathing can be a bit funky. So here is the question every pet owner has to answer. When is it time...when is it time to say goodbye....how do you make that choice for another living being that cannot tell you what they want.
It is hard on me...I am way to empathetic on a good day but this week I have been a wreck, balling at the drop of a hat. I have told hubby the final call will be his. I will not resent him for his choice. Bella seems fine when you look at her besides the big gross scab the last abscess has left on her head but she is really only sleeping now and is not nearly as active. I wonder if she is not in pain do we let her live the natural course of her life, what is left????? I know many of you out there are thinking...goodness it is just a hamster. But hamster or not I love her and she has stolen my heart and I know she will break it when she passes.

Here is hoping to another good few days with my darling girl.

8/09/2010

Wedding - talent

My Wedding...well my anniversary is September 13 so this September we will be married for seven years. We have had a wonderful marriage and fall more in love every year. Below is a wedding photo :)



Talent I have...well...I find it difficult to think of  talent that I have so...I will go with the piano. I play the piano and love it. Not the best in the world  but I am good at it. :)

8/07/2010

song and art

Ok....so a song that makes me cry.....EASY!!!! Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes...I could be anywhere and hear that and ball!!!!!! It is beautifully haunting....the Scot in me reacts to this song strongly.

As for an art piece....well..I don't really know.I enjoy art, I like to have it in my house but to think of an art piece I love. Well I come up blank. So sadly I don't have anything for this post.

Had a wonderful time with my mom, it was really nice just to spend some time with her. Ate GREAT food and relaxed. Of course the spa was great, mani and pedi, done wonderfully. For those in the GTA area go to Hockley Valley for the food and spa, well worth it.

As for fertility...I am still keeping things to myself right now but I want you to know I am happy with where I am and with this choice for now.

happy Saturday

8/06/2010

to dream...

Todays topic of this 30 day blog challange is dream house. What would be my dream house. I actually think I have two.

1. A beautiful farm house built on a hobby farm. This is not about the house but about the farm. The idea of having most of my food come from my own large garden, fruit from my own trees and eggs from my own chickens...well....it would be amazing!!!!! Hubby and I try and eat and live fairly clean lives with our food and the way we run our household...so to live off the land would be beautiful.

On the other hand......

2. A condo or small home in Quebec City...Old Quebec. Surrounding by history, culture and beautiful kind people and immersed in the french language and culture. To never have to drive anywhere. To walk and ride my bike safely down old cobbles streets. This too is a dream....

Sigh.

8/05/2010

Non-fiction

Ok so today is a Non-Fiction book. Again I have no idea what they are really asking for here so I give you the name of the most recent Non-fiction book I have read.....Women, Food and God. Pretty good....worth a read especially if you have any issues with food.
later skaters.

looking forward to some relaxation...

Today I am leaving for a few days to go to a resort/spa with my Mom. I am SO looking forward to it. I need some time to recharge and unwind. Plus it will be so nice to spend some time with just my Mom.
However leaving means I need to leave my Bella (sick hamster) I know many people out there scoff at the idea of taking a hamster to a vet and giving it medicine. But to me and hubby she is part of our family and we look after family to the best of our ability. She has an infection that wont go away and gets medicine 3 times a day. It is very difficult when something is so small and fragile and you are so helpless to do more. The reality is that we wont have her for much longer. So the goal is to keep her quality of life high and to keep her happy. My hubby will look after her well I will just worry about her.
Off to pack and then off to the be pampered!!

8/04/2010

back in action

Alright I am back! I have been away at my parents cottage up north and am feeling really good and relaxed. I am however behind in my blog list so here it goes.

8. Photo that makes me angry or sad - This is Hope she was a wonderful little cat. We lost her recently to Kidney disease. I love her.

9. This is suppose to be a photo I took...I have taken many photos but I think this is a great shot..... It is of a Trillium, Ontario's official flower. You are not allowed to pick this flower. 
10. A photo of me ten years ago. Ok, I couldn't find one of me 10 years ago so I went with the oldest I could find Christmas 2004.              
11. A recent photo of me. this was taken this weekend at the Canadian Whitewater Kayaking Championships.                                                                  
Almost done........

12. Something I am OCD about....well there are actually lots of things. I have an anxiety disorder so that sort of goes hand in hand with OCD behaviours..Most recent though it is making sure my hamster cage is shut proper.

last one.....

13. Fictional book...huh??? I have no idea what that means so...I will go with the last fictional book I read . It is called Frostbitten from the Women of the Otherworld Series. If you love Vampires, Werewolf's and such you must read this series!

Ok...so that looks like it is about it...back on track. Later Skaters.                                   

7/29/2010

happy photo

Well today is choosing a photo that makes me happy. There are many photos that do this but one came to mind right away so here it is
This is us in Quebec city.. we went there for our sixth year wedding anniversary and not only did I fall in love with the city...I fell in love EVEN MORE with my husband. Love you baby!!!!!

7/28/2010

These are a few of my favourite things!

Yes favourite things...20 to be exact. Here they are.

1. My cat
2. My bunny
3. My hamster
4. yoga
5. blogging/writing
6. A great book
7. a good cup of tea
8. A massage
9. sleeping in
10. getting my hair done
11. baking
12. scrap booking
13. a really good belly laugh
14. sitting at a campfire
15. boxing day - not the shopping just the day with my family
16. shopping with my mom
17. Coffee with friends
18. Walt Disney World
19. Quebec city - I want to retire there!
20. Sharing a bag of smokey bacon potato chips with my hubby

7/27/2010

Book List

I am an avid reader, have been all of my life. As requested I have put together a list of my top 10 reads. Some are books and some are book series. Here is the list in no paticular order.

1. Red Tent
2. Lullabies for little criminals
3. No.1 Lady dectective Series
4. Mary called Magdelene
5. The secret life of bees
6. Shopoholic book series
7. The Mists of Avalon
8. Women of the otherworld Series - Kelly Armstrong
9. Eat, Pray, love
10. Poisonwood Bible
and one more.......
Kiterunner.

These are all wonderful books. Pretty much all of them have Heroines and are told from the female perspective. All worth a read.

Quote.

'why are you the size of a teenager' - said by a fat kid grade 4 child in a yellow track suit

Yes this is my favourite quote it was said to my husband during a presention he was doing at a school. Hilarious. Since most of you don't know my hubby he is small like me. I am 5' and he is 5'3. We are small and get mistaken for younger people all the time...just usually not so loudly!

7/26/2010

Love to read!

Today is favourite book day. Now I LOVE to read. I have read hundreds and hundreds of books in my life. I can lose myself in a book and not hear the world around me, I can't tell you the amount of times I have missed my subway stop because I have been reading. There are many books I love but one book that stands out in 'The Red Tent' This is a beautiful book written from the female perspective during the biblical time of Joseph. This book captures women's relationships with each other, themselves and their children. Read it, if you have not read it. READ IT!!!!!

7/25/2010

Favourite Show

This is an easy one. My very favourite show is Seinfeld. I am can watch it anytime, anywhere. It does not matter how angry or upset I am the show always perks me up. I can tell you whole episodes and laugh as I tell you them. I like it that much!!!!

I have realized that at the end of this week I am heading up north for about 5 days so I will do a blitz of those items on the day that I leave to not fall behind.

Currently sitting outside on our big front porch sipping a tea and typing on my netbook. Hubby is chillaxing and reading his book and our kitty is in his little house on the from porch with us. A wonderful Sunday night. It reminds me that I am grateful for what I already have and hopeful for what is to come.

7/24/2010

The list continues...

Today is number 2 on the list. My favourite movie. Again...I don't have one. That's right I don't have a favourite movie...I enjoy watching movies..love comedies and Disney movies but am not a movie lover. I went to an arts high school and majored in theatre. With that came a large group of friends who were crazy for movies. They loved actors and directors and the intense scenes that happen in movies like The Godfather and American Beauty. Me...not so much.

In the world of me things are going well...I am remaining quiet about what my choices will be this cycle because I am not sure what I plan on doing....however I am very excited because today I made a big purchase for myself.  I bought myself a netbook!!!! That is right I am writing this blog on it right now, my very own computer. I have been saving money for myself for awhile now..I didn't really know what I was saving for until this little thought came to mind. NETBOOK, my very own to write on when I please and to call my own. I finally feel like an adult!!!

7/23/2010

30 day blog..a good distraction

I have been looking for a distraction away from the world of infertility and what my body is up to at each moment. The goal is to write everyday for 30 days about the assigned subject..today will be my favorite song. I want to thank  My Lovely Lady Bump for this great idea and the perfect distraction at the perfect time.

Here is the list...Find number one below :)

Day 1-your favorite song


Day 2-your favorite movie

Day 3-your favorite television program

Day 4- your favorite book

Day 5-your favorite quote

Day 6- 20 of my favorite things

Day 7-a photo that makes you happy

Day 8-a photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9-a photo you took

Day 10-a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Day 11-a photo of you recently

Day 12-something you are OCD about

Day 13-a fictional book

Day 14-a non-fictional book

Day 15-your dream house

Day 16-a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17-an art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting, etc)

Day 18-my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

Day 19-a talent of yours

Day 20-a hobby of yours

Day 21-a recipe

Day 22-a website

Day 23-a youtube video

Day 24-where I live

Day 25-your day, in great detail

Day 26-your week, in great detail

Day 27-my worst habit

Day 28-whats in my handbag/purse

Day 29-hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30- a dream for the future
 
My Favourite Song
 
Ok so of course the first one is the hardest...isn't it always. The thing is I love music, adore it. Listening to it or playing it myself  I am never happier. Music has the ability to open my heart and make me weep or dance with joy. That being said I don't have a favorite song. WEIRD! I know...I have never been one to have favorite things like songs, t.v shows or movies.
So sadly I can only tell you that I daily listen to the top 40...love to listen to classical music with my cat and really love anything that makes me dance!

7/20/2010

feeling the love

I want to take the time to thank everyone in my life who supports and loves me. I have an incredible family who is AMAZING and is truly behind me in all my choices it is amazing and I know I am lucky to have it. My mom and Dad are so wonderful and have been with John and I every step of the way so far and will continue on this journey with us. I have the best friends..their kind words have gotten me through a lot of difficult days. Whether these words were through a coffee chat, text message or facebook. They make me feel worthwhile when I feel like nothing. To my blogger friends...well you understand this world better than anyone. I can always count on you for a laugh, piece of advice and supportive words. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

To my husband. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have always been open to hearing me and my thoughts and have been supportive about every choice I have made regarding my body. You have held my hand through IUI and have held me when I cry because our dream has not come true yet. Your positive energy and belief that this will happen for us is what keeps me going sometimes. I love you.
To my furbabies you mean the world to me...


PUDDING







PEPPER












BELLA





7/18/2010

sad day? No. Sad weekend.

To begin I have decided that I am taking a break from the world of infertility this cycle..I may or may not do the IUI but I will not be writing about any of it...I need a break from the world..I am feeling really down with this last BFN and it hurts so much right now that I am doing what is best for me. I will still be reading and commenting and I will still be writing  but it will be about my life..not my fertility.

My weekend continued with sadness with the passing of my family cat. Our little girl Hope is at peace...as I write this I cry...she was beautiful and sweet and we all loved her so much.

Hope was a rescued cat, she was found outside and she was on the verge of death..having been beaten and left to die to the elements. She weighed barely four pounds and was over a year old. They named her Hope in  hopes that she would live. She did...then my sister and I found her at and adoption centre and begged our parents...we had recently lost our other cat Jingles (handsome boy). Hope lived to be an old girl with us and was so spoiled and loved...we worked very hard to take away all the bad dreams she would have and try and have her forget the horror of the first year of her life. She has been to Florida twice and has spent endless summers at the cottage. She lived a good life and was loved deeply. Bless you little Hope...I will always miss you.

7/17/2010

not this time..

Negative test result. Moving on to IUI #4....pray for me please.

7/15/2010

jumping the gun?? ahhh who cares!

Yes I jumped the gun I went out and bought a pregnancy journal/planner. You see I am a planner and organizer and am always on a need to know basis, I also love to research things. When we were getting married I had a planner and could not have lived without it. Now I know I have not gotten a BFP and I know I may have to put this book away but I don't care. I am enjoying going through it and since pregnancy is just around the corner no matter what. Why the hell not!!!

As for Hope..she is giving my parents a run for their money...she goes from bad to worse and then not so bad...The wonderful news is that she has eaten today!!!!! this is big and we are hoping for a little more time with her because of this. Please keep our little kitty in your thoughts as she is so sweet.

Later skaters.

7/14/2010

waiting sucks

Yes, waiting really does stink. I am three days away from doing my blood test and I am really trying to hold it together. I continue to have minimal cramping..breast are getting a little sore and I am tired!!! I am such an impatient person so this really sucks. I am trying to hard to imagine what it will be like to get a phone call that tells me it is positive, that I am, pregnant...I am finding that hard. So, please continue to send good vibes my way..

In other aspects of my life things are a little sad. My family cat Hope is not well, she is having kidney issues and might be heading towards chronic renal failure...she is a beautiful little girl who is so sweet. We all love her very much and hate having to watch her go through this. She is on medication now and we are hoping for the best. Again with the waiting.....Here is a picture of the darling girl.

So that is pretty much everything...waiting and waiting and trying to stay busy. Will report back soon.

7/11/2010

when fear rears its ugly head

I am now 7 days away from my blood test which would tell me if I am preggers...and I am scared....I try and keep positive and tell myself this is it, there is no reason why it cant be, but the little anxiety monster in me says..maybe not.
I am not feeling great today...I have a back ache and a hint of cramping and I am blah feeling.

I am so worried that this means this cycle did not work..I wonder then what next??

Please send  positive vibes my way...I know that at this point I am either pregnant or not but the positive thoughts cant hurt.

7/08/2010

10 days to go

10 days! YIKES!!!!! How am I going to keep myself busy for 10 days!!! I test on July 17.....
Now here is the thing about July 17...it is my sisters birthday, that's right my sister is turning 30 this July 17 and what a wonderfully cool thing if we get a positive result on that day! I am thinking this is it, thinking positive, lots of green light.

In other parts of my world it is hot, holy cow it is hot. 43 with the humidity everyday, I am so grateful I have air conditioning.  I remember when I didn't have air and how brutal it was and my heart goes out to all those without a/c.
I have officially hit a plateau with my weight loss so am amping everything up a little. My lofty goal is to lose two pounds this week and next...possible...so we shall see.

Nothing else to report. To all of you hating the heat like me...stay cool.

7/05/2010

Waiting Game

IUI is complete - 3 eggs ovulated, 29.9 million sperm first round and 35.5 million second round. Hubby came with me for both IUI and held my hand...it was really nice for him to feel a part of it. Seeing the process gave him a real idea of what I go through during the IUI, made him appreciate me and what I am doing just a little bit more. I am feeling hopeful, I am able to relax since I don't have to go to work so I am thinking this could help.
I was up at the cottage for the past few days and it was glorious, friends, family and up north..nothing is better. It was way to hot to do some hill walking so I wasn't able balance out the cottage food as much as |I would like, so Back on track tomorrow. I have hit a plateau with my weight loss I need to switch things up get more exercise and such. Looking forward to this week, organize the house, go to the gym and well just relax.
off for now.

6/30/2010

freedom!

FREEDOM!!!

Well that is two things..one of my Dad's favourite lines from Braveheart and how I feel today. I am officially on vacation. I have two months off and plan on enjoying them by relaxing, living life and getting pregnant.
Went in for my day 10 ultrasound today and things look good...4 follies, three look like they will be keepers. Had my HCG shot today, tomorrow and Friday are IUI days.
When I was waiting to get my HCG shot there were two women ahead of me..both were prepping for IVF...I began to wonder if they had tried IUI previous and how many times did they try, I also wondered how they were affording IVF...I have begun to think about IVF...at what point do we stop trying IUI and move forward...how would we even afford it...
Like most of you Hubby and I have had the what if conversation...what if IUI doesn't work do we move forward with IVF, do we adopt...do we remain childless??? I have done a lot of flip flopping on adoption, I am fairly sure that I do not want to adopt....I just don't think it is the right choice for me for multiple reasons...so then IVF??? If we are not going to spend the money on adoption then perhaps IVF makes the most sense. Then the big WHAT IF that doesn't work..will we remain childless..maybe.
All of that aside..I am thinking we may never have to actually work through these choices because I believe IUI will work for us. We are healthy, I ovulate well, Hubby  is spermtastic so there is nothing to stand in our way but time...and my time is coming soon.
To all my educator friends out there...HAPPY SUMMER!!!!!

6/25/2010

TGIF

THANK GOD IT IS FRIDAY!!!
This has been the longest week of the entire school year. For those who don't know..I work in an alternative High school setting with at risk youth. They finished their exams on Monday so it has been just myself and the other teacher I work with in our portable...day after day...He comes and goes much more frequently than I do which is fine but damn I am bored. I have organized, cleaned, prepped and I still have Monday and Tuesday to go!! BUT this is my last Friday of work for two months!
I seem to be feeling fine with the Serophene not a lot of side effects so far which is great. I was feeling down yesterday..sad and lonely feeling. I think it was a combination of my day, my Serophene and the fact that I decided to lower my dosage of my depression/anxiety medication. BAD IDEA. So I am back to my regular dosage and think I will be feeling better in no time.
I am hoping the best for this cycle. I am really wishing that with being able to slow down and move at my own pace my body will want to have a little baby inside. Hopefully....

6/23/2010

Good to Go

Good news...cysts are gone and things are a go for IUI number 3. I start my Serophene 100mg everyday day for 5 days, I am hoping the side effects are minimal just like last time. With the heat here in Ontario the hormone sweats will be brutal!!!
It is almost the end of the school year. I have four more days to work and then I am done for the summer. This is really good because I REALLY need a break. I love the kids I work with but with all the stuff going on in my personal life...school is draining right now.
In terms of my everyday life things are good. 12 pounds down...Have not been paying attention to what I have been doing this week so I will have to get back on track. Don't want to sabotage all my hard work. This is a bad habit of mine..start strong with something  but  I don't always follow through. I need to follow through with this. It is important for me and my hubby and my future baby. Summer is approaching at the perfect time...as I am finding it harder to focus on what I need to do the summer will give me lots of  free time to get back on track...establish a healthy routine everyday that can revolve around they gym, yoga and being outside. My goal is to not drive as many places as possible when I am doing things around town. I will ride my bike or walk. Good for me and the environment :D
I would like to put it out there to everyone who has experienced loss recently. My mother has just lost a dear friend to cancer, my friend Ricky has lost his father..and to all of you out there who are grieving the loss of their babies who they never got to hold. hugs to you all.

6/11/2010

nothing new

Really I guess that title is not completely true...In the world of fertility there is nothing new..still waiting out this cycle..hoping the cysts are gone come the next cycle.
In terms of life...well a young friends father has passed away recently and the funeral was this week. His father was a wonderful man who has been fighting cancer for many years..still a family can never be ready for the passing of a loved one and this 20 year old young man is struggling. I only hope to be able to support him over the next weeks and months and help him move forward from the anger he feels.
Weight loss is going well. 11 pounds down and feeling good. Still have not gotten to the gym, yikes, I will get there and get back on track but I do feel a bit guilty..like I have been ignoring myself.
This weekend I plan to relax and hang out with hubby. I took a nap this afternoon when I got home from work but I am still sleepy.
Well that is pretty much it...happy Friday and GO ENGLAND!!!

5/31/2010

just an update

Life is moving along...I am happy with the fact that I did not go forward with the Serophene as I am still getting cyst pain and my face is still breaking out....so the estrogen is pumping...yuck.
I had a wonderful weekend with hubby...it felt like such a long weekend but it wasn't..it was just us enjoying the sun and each other. We went hiking and spent a lot of time outside and loved the sun!!!! I also got  my hair done so I am much blonder and feeling ready for the summer. I can't wait for the summer to begin, I plan on enjoying it to the fullest. I know I will get pregnant eventually and I refuse to let life pass me by while I am waiting...I will not do that. I will live life to the fullest.
In terms of weight loss I am doing well. I have now lost 10.5 pounds and I feel good. I plan on pushing my exercise up a notch to keep things going.
Looking to the future!

5/27/2010

not happy, not at all.

Today was my day three ultrasound...during this they check to see how things are going..whether or not there is anything new or unusual.
Well there was...two cysts. You see I have 6 follies and only 4 ovulated so the other two stuck around. I was told it would most likely not be an issue but that I may get a phone call.
I got a phone call, I was told that the two cysts were estrogen producing meaning there is no medication or IUI this cycle...no nothing really. Just good old natural trying. The reason for this is that if I was to take my Serophene it would increase the estrogen in my body dramatically making the cysts painful and most likely they would rupture. yuck. So here I am ready for round three and my body has put on the breaks.
I am pretty upset only because I felt like I was in a good head space for trying this next cycle and now it feels all turned around....sort of topsy turvy....so I will be angry for a little and then I will move on. Tomorrow I am getting my hair done and I had been contemplating a pedicure...I am getting the pedicure for SURE now.

5/25/2010

take 3???

Well it is the true deal, not just spotting anymore...full on crampy period. Yuck. So. That means I am onto my third IUI cycle. 3rd times a charm?? Lets hope....
On the positive side of this I am now able to get my hair done..it really needs it and I love being lighter in the summer time. Also I am still continuing to lose weight and get healthier so I can continue this journey...and I am going to buy myself a new bathing suit as a reward :D. One other thing I am realizing is that if this is the cycle...which fingers crossed it is I won't have to worry about coming to work with morning sickness...since I am off in the summer (no school) it will give me time to just relax and do whatever I need to do.
Yes I cried last night and yes I hate it but I do know it will happen, I have to recognize I only have so much control and put my faith in the universe.

5/24/2010

seeing spots

Yes it is true, I am spotting and crampy and it sucks. more later.

5/21/2010

Hello all just checking in to say all is well. I am still in the middle of the dreaded wait so preoccupie myself I am focusing on gardening. I have started a second blog to focus on my gardening. If you want to follow it as well check it out.

http://horticulturalhottie.blogspot.com/

Talk soon.

5/18/2010

feeling a bit anxious

To start thanks for the responses through the blog and emails about my dilemia I posted...very helpful :D
I am on cycle 20 and I am 8 days past ovulation...for the past few days I have been crampy :(
not bad cramps but some that come and go. It worries me, of course it does, I know..I know...but it really does. For those of you who have not experienced this path of infertility...well it is really hard to explain  to you how horrible it feels to not know. To go between is that implantation cramps or early period cramps. There really is no way to tell and it sucks. Like a makes me feel sick and want to puke suck.Other body things that suck right now are break out on my chin and damn I am feisty!!!! don't get on my bad side.
So I wait and wait. Since I started this process with the fertility clinic I have not done a home test once. Crazy huh!!! Well this cycle I am thinking about it...If I make it to 14 DPO I think I might test.....maybe......maybe not....maybe.....

5/15/2010

waiting and thinking

Well I am five days past ovulation...and I am feeling good. I fully believe this is it....I have a feeling it is possible it is even twins!!! Can you imagine...I find myself talking to my tummy, telling my little eggs to multiple and cozy in. Plently of eggs and little guys to make it all happen...so this is it. The prospect of that has had me thinking.....How and when will I tell all, when will I blog the good news. You see unlike most of you I have been very open with my friends and family about my blog. Friends and loved ones read all  my updates. They know where I am in my journey at all times. This has been a wonderful way to keep everyone in the loop, to let them know how I am. It allows people to not ask me a million questions when they see me...and for me to NOT have to answer them. SO...If I get pregnant when do I blog about it. If I blog it right away not only will you my bleeps know but so will everyone else I know and love. Do I want that?? The time period of keeping it between hubby and I will not exist for very long....If I decide not to post my family and friends will go crazy with wondering, they have been with me on this journey the whole time..is it fair to take them out of the loop.
I am leaning towards complete honesty and openness...everyone knows about my cycles and counts and what not so perhaps it is the next logical step.  In fact all of you (friends and family included) are reading this now....I think you will want to know straight from the beginning to be with me on the full journey, this was my intention.
Any thoughts on this...family and friends and bleeps...what would you do???

5/12/2010

now we wait

It begins...
We did our two iui and are feeling good. I had six eggs and ovulated multiple eggs and hubby had GREAT! counts. Doctors said hubby can hold his chest high and be proud of himself.  LOL, boys to to hear that. We are feeling very positive and looking forward to our positive results.
In terms of my arm I am doing well, my arm is healing and the bruises are pretty much gone. It is good. Although I am sick of wearing the sling and am regusing to wear it at home.
Weight loss is going well, with all the hormones and the horse incident I have not been getting to the gym, am exhausted and bloating. But I did lose .5 pounds...still a loss and I feel good about that.
I need to get back to the gym, I really need to get back there though, it always makes me feel so much better about myself.
later skaters.

5/09/2010

Mothers day

Today is mothers day. So first happy mothers day to all of you moms out there and happy mothers day to all of us moms to be. This is a hard day for many....some because they have lost their mothers or never known their mothers others because they have yet to be a mom. This is a hard day for me.
I was wondering how I would react to today...would I ignore it, be angry or sad. It turns out just a little down...in need of space. I will be seeing my own mommy today and that will help for sure. A hug from her can solve the worlds problems in my opinion.
I went in for my day 11 ultrasound today. There are four follies!!!! They are all a good size so we went ahead with the HCG shot today,  that means IUI Monday and Tuesday. That means next week I will be pregnant, thats right I really beleive it. This is my cycle.
My arm is still very sore and I have a huge bruise on my chest, ouch, I am still generallly in pain but I do have more movement then I did yesterday so that is good. I will spend today relaxing and prepare myself for a week of IUI and work with a busted up body.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

5/07/2010

falling of the horse...

Well not actually falling. THROWN!! Yes that is right I was thrown of a horse. My class and I went horse back riding and as I was getting on my horse he got scared or somthing and threw me off....the horse master could barley control the horse and could not even get on him. He said he has very rarley seen anything like that before. Of course I am hurt...bruising, pain a badly cut up right arm. No breaks but a possible fracture that could not be deteced...having to wear am arm in my sling. 
As horrible as this is I have to be grateful for the fact that this happened before my IUIs and before the 2 week wait. I cannot imagine the stress I would be going through. Of course I did have to get exrays done and will have to let them know..hopefully it wont matter. I will find out tomorrow when i go in for my first ovulation ultrasound....
I am anxious to get this cycle going with the iui and such :D
Hoping things are good to go tomorrow.

5/03/2010

My weekly update

Things are good. I am two more pounds down. A total of seven...I am starting to see some changes in me so that makes me smile.
I am back on with the fertility treatment. I got a passing grade on my day three ultrasound. I am now on 100mg of Sherophene and there are not a lot of side effects except for being tired and my internal body temperature has gone up a bunch and I am hot and my hands are swollen all the time!
I am feeling positive about things. I know I will get pregnant and I know it will be soon..until then I will focus on my weight loss and healthy lifestyle :D By having two goals it allows me to not get obsessed with just one.
I am also starting to plan my garden,we are waiting on grading so we will no be able to put our fence up this summer so it is pots for me. I will be planting a variety of veggies and am looking forward to eating them :D
Talk soon.

4/27/2010

days away..

Well it has been a bit since my last post. Life is going along well. I am contiuing weight watchers and have now lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks. I feel great! I still have a way to go but I feel it is possible. This week I am going to be very strict on my points. I am going to try and avoid using any flex or earned exercise points as much as possible. I think it is important to give your body a variety of things so I am trying to add lots of fruit and what not this week as well. Of course exercises too. I did my yoga class tonight and cannot tell you how much I am in love with it. The positive vibe I get from it is worth its weight in gold. It is really funny... because I don't eat red meat, do yoga and seem happy all the time my students (highschool) swear I must smoke week. I DONT!!! I just am happy all the time and yoga is my natural buzz. so funny.
As for the fertility adventure well....The appt. with my doctor went well. He is bumping up my clomid to 100mg..we will see and hope that this combined with IUI will make a difference. Day one is fast approaching and I look forward to this upcoming cycle. The nice part of this cycle is that my Mommy is no longer in Florida and can be with me through the ride. Love you MOM!!!!!

4/19/2010

keep on going

Second week of weight watchers I am now down four pounds. YAY me!!!! I am going to try and stay really on track this week because the following week will probably be the week prior to my period and I want to make sure I can eat a few snacks to help resolve cravings. I don't see any physical change but I feel much more in control and healthlier, yesterday I ran for half and hour..have not done that in a while so I feel good.
Tommorow I see the sepcialist my mommy is coming with me..she has never been to our fertility clinic. It will be nice for her to see where I spend so much of my time. I will wait to see what her says.

4/14/2010

getting back in the groove

Well I have been a bad blogger...I have been reading but not writing. But I am missing the writing and so I am back on track.
I am in my second cycle of no fertility treatments and am feeling great, my stress level has gone WAY down, so that is good. I am on Weight Watchers and lost 3 pounds my first week and am hoping for two this coming week. I feel very empowered when I am on weight watchers, I am being accountable to me. I do the on line program and love it, very user friendly. I am combining this with going to the gym and am feeling healthier already and it is not even a full two weeks yet.
I am concerned about starting fertility treatment and W.W I plan to continue to follow the plan even with the ups and down treatment brings. I hope the yoga will help keep my stress level down so it wont be horrible. It will take a bit of courage and luck.
I have an appt. with my speicalist next Tuesday just to discuss how my first IUI went and what to expect for the second one...if any increase in meds is needed. I am looking forward to starting treatment again, I feel very positive.
There are babies every where in my life. My niece, my cousins little girl, my other cousin is due VERY soon with her little girl and a friend from work is four months. At other times in my life this would be hard...right now...not so bad. I feel good that I am in a happy place.

4/05/2010

Goals

Hello all

Well I am offically on my second cycle of  no fertility treatment. Feeling positive about it.

I am setting goals for myself, I really work better if I know I am accountable. Signed up for Weight Watchers online..this will help me in my day to day battle with food. I have never been good at counting calories and figure this is a great way to give myself the boost I need in terms of food responsibility to self. It is great because I can access it from any computer and hubbys blackberry so I wont be lost. Today is my offical start day and I have 23 points to work with a day, not bad.
I am also signing up for the Healing cycle. A charitable ride that raises money for our local hospital. The same hospital my sister in law works at, that my mother in law was on the board for, where my cousin is soon to have her baby AND where I will have my baby. So it is a good cause. I am doing the 25 km ride. I did the 10 km last year and am preparing for the longer ride. I have to get in some good hours on the bike before June.
Yoga starts in two weeks so that will be a regular thing for me, that always makes me happy :D
Off to enjoy this extra day off I have, hubby had to work...sad for him.
love to all\

3/29/2010

How time flies

Well I am nearing the end of my cycle...it is funny for as long as I can remeber I have known what cycle day I was on...today however I realized I had no idea. I had to check my day planner. I have figured out I am on day 25, one or two days before my period usually begins. With not doing any type of fertility treatment I am not over thinking how I am feeling....are my breasts sore, am I nauseaus..why am I so tired...all that stuff. I am just me. Me with a bit of a sinus cold who is looking forward to her Easter break.
Now I must be honest, I have lost no weight this month..none. crap. I have been doing more yoga and getting outside more, walking and biking. But obviously my body needs the real deal, in the gym OFTEN and sweating it out. So I will begin again this week. Hubby will be happy to have his gym buddy back. So I need to balance yoga, outside time and the gym. That is my goal. My eating is actually not that bad...I know that because I have not gained weight and we really don't eat out a lot at all. So one more cycle off, see what I can accomplish, let this spring weather fill me up with good vibes emotionally and physically and move ahead.

3/20/2010

Almost over

The break is almost over, I have been very busy enjoying time with friends and family. The break has gone very fast which is kind of nice. Today and Sunday are going to be time to rest which is great and what I need.
Went to the bank today to get things sorted, we are feeling pretty good about where we are going financially. We will be paying debt aggressivly but also have daily money and money to set aside into savings. I tell you there is nothing better than knowing you are in better situation with your money than you were a few weeks ago.
I am heading towards the time that would usually be the dreaded two week wait, this time there is no fear or anticipation. It is great actually to not be thinking about it. I am going to take the next cycle off as well we both think it is best and my family is very supportive. So it will be awhile until I have to experience that feeling of fear. For everyone going through the two week wait and treatments right now. Hold on and keep your fingers crossed. It will happen.

3/16/2010

As the beat goes on.....

I am sitting here in my house on the day of our one year evaluation, I can't believe it has been a year since we moved into this home. This is our second home we have owned and it is a 'real adult' house, as I call it, becuase it is detached...yup no wall neighbours for us. Virgil our warrenty person seems to be doing a very good job of fixing things up and is very nice. The only problem is that it is beautiful outside and I have to be inside.
I am doing well. Desperatly trying to get myself in a mind set where I can stay active and healthy. 10 pounds, right now I would be happy to lose 10 pounds. I could lose more but 10 is good. I am doing yoga daily, minimal yoga but my body is happy, it loves yoga. Today has actually given me some time to do some research. For a very long time I have wanted to be a yoga teacher...I love it, it calms and energizes me all at the same time. I tried the Sheridan College yoga program but it was a lot of evening committment that on top of a job it was very hard to balance. The Burlington Yoga centre offers training on weekends only, it is an Iyngar based approach. I will do this. I will take this course and be a yoga teacher. I am going to start back at my local yoga studio in April and will do extra classes and courses at the Burlington yoga centre as well. This will give me a variety of teaching styles and allow me to get to know the people at the centre before I enroll in their program. I am very excited about the prospect of this.
Hmmmm it seems to be Virgil is almost done! That means I can get outside.
Later skater.

3/12/2010

When life gets in the way

I have been doing some thinking...actually a lot of thinking. I have just recently shared my thoughts with hubby and now it is time to share them here.
We are taking a break, yup not just a single cycle break but a period of time break. The reasons for this are multiple. Actually there are two.
1. My weight, I think it will be very helpful to get my weight down for baby making and for my health and mental health.
2. Money, yup the big M word. All of you who undergo fertility treatment understand the stress that money plays in infertility. We are trying to get things in order and part of that is paying down debt. I would like to be able to bring my baby into a family where money is NOT a stress. Plus trying to pay down debt and doing fertility treatments at the same time are not very compatible. SO....that is where we are.
I feel pretty good about this choice, we will continue to try naturally. Good news on that front is that I am ovulating and Hubby is good so there is no 'real' reason it couldn't happen. I will do accupuncture to help me out, which is much cheaper. Yoga for relaxation and keep my fingers crossed. All the while we will be paying off our debt aggressivly as possible.
So there we go. The blog will continue, maybe not all about fertility but this is certainly a part of my adventure so it will still be a part of me.
March break is here so YAY!!!! I am looking forward to it!!!!!

Lisa

3/09/2010

Finding my way

I am finding my way through this cycle...this non-trying cycle.
It is actually better than I thought...I am trying to get exercise everyday, move everyday...do yoga and meditation everyday.
I am wanting to lose some weight, I think it will help my chances. I want to lose as much as I can in a healthy way this cycle and see where I get. The weather is beautiful and it makes it easier to get outside, that is a good thing.
off for now.

3/06/2010

looking to the future

I am having a better day...not great to be honest but better. I am looking forward to this cycle now, I am planning on using it as time to get a little healthier. I have let things slide, not getting to the gym as much as I would like, the yoga has slipped to. So I would like to get back into a routine. I think it is a good time...March break will also be this cycle so I will be off work for a week. Hubby will be at work so it will be me and my cat. I am hoping it will be sunny so I am able to be  walking outside and cycling in the nice weather.
That is about all now for now....more to come.
Thanks for all the support everyone...it means a lot. Helps me get through the bad days.