2011

Well 2011 has been an interesting year. I have experienced a great amount of joy and sorrow.

Fertility treatments continued with our first round of ivf. Sadly this resulted In a negative. We have since decided to take a break and are coming to terms with the fact that life without children will be ok, we will be ok. That being said we are hoping to try a second round of ivf in 2012 once we a figured out our finances.

We got our puppy paddy this year and I cannot imagine life without him he has brought us joy beyond what I have dreamed of and has opened up our social circle immensely with all of the other dog parents. Thanks paddy :)

2011 has brought a lot of guilt with it. I am trying desperately to let go of this guilt. It is from recent and long time past. Hubby thinks it is silly for me to carry it around with me and I agree. So if I feel I can't move forward on my own a therapist is in order. I will not carry this on for the next year.

As for 2012 I hope it brings peace and happiness, the blessing of being a parent. I hope throughout this year I follow my heart and instincts and continue to grow into a better person.

Happy new year everyone, many blessings for you all.

xxoo

realization

I have just made a realization....so many of the women I started out blogging with now have babies and not just newborns. But kids, real kids some who are going to be walking and talking.

Where am I, I remain here in the land between. No kids, no reasonable explanation.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for all of these families who are now brimming with baby goodness there is a tiny little piece that says. Why not us, why.

xxoo

7 days

As Christmas and New Years approach I am left to reflect on the past year.

To be honest I was positive I would be pregnant by now. Last year at this time I kept thinking next year will be better, next year we will be having a baby. Sadly this dream has not become a reality. I am left to enjoy my Christmas without a baby but with a strong foundation of family and friends.

This Christmas I am going to enjoy my time with family and friends, cherish them and the moments we have together. I am going to be grateful to sleep in whenever I want, on our ability to go grocery shopping at ten at night and that we can pick up and go whenever  and wherever we want.

My Christmas wish for all of you is that you cherish your loved ones and each other. Be grateful for what you have in your life today and continue to dream big for the future.

xxoo

Why?

There is a great guy I know (GG) , I teach with him. Him and his wife have experienced two miscarriages. They have been going through their third pregnancy, hoping and praying. I have been the only person GG has told about the pregnancy. Today they found out that the heart has stopped beating. She will require a D&C. They are shattered. I am at such a loss. I am so angry and sad about this. GG and his wife are wonderful, caring people. People who should be able to have children to raise and love. To watch them experiencee this heartbreak is horrible.

So here is the question I pose. What do I do? what can I do to help him get through this. I work with this man everyday. I just want to be able to lift his pain from him. What would you do to let him know that you care about him and his loss? What would you say?

it has been a while...

Hello all...yes it has been a while. Life has been moving along as usual. Week days run together and I am trying to get the most out of my weekends. Currently I am not happy in my job. It is not the kids or the teacher I work with it is administration. For those of you who work in education know that you can't really mess with administration so as of now I am stuck, trying to make the best of things.

Hubby and I have finally gotten away on our trip to Montreal. At this moment I am sitting on the train, which I LOVE!!!, writing this. We had a whirl wind weekend of museums, galleries, shopping and fabulous food. It was so wonderful to have time for just us. No worries, no concerns, just us. My parents looked after our puppy and the bunny stayed at the house, checked in by hubby's brother. This allowed us to not worry about our fur babies which was great! My mom and I chatted on Skype and it totally confused the dog, poor thing, he could hear his Mommy but couldn't see her.

On the fertility front we are still looking at a second round of IVF in the spring. It is tough as a few people I know are pregnant. I don't really know how to politely say..I don't fucking want to hear about your pregnancy, it should have been me. See, no easy way. So smiling and nodding is what I do at the moment.

I am doing fairly well though. I am going to take an in class writing course in the spring I think I will enjoy that more than an online class. I am also taking my pottery workshop soon. Should be good. I am mending my soul and really that is all I can ask of myself at the time.

all for now...

xxoo